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El sonido de la muerte (1966)
The sound of Stupid
First all, they aren't archeologists they're treasure hunters and a slab of cement blocking their path to the treasure, CEMENT! Not much cement in Ancient Greece! Lastly, not only is an invisible monster one of the cheapest laziest monsters ever in a monster movie but they can't even do that right. Just because your monster is invisible doesn't mean you just point a camera in an empty room pretty saying, "here it is, take our word for it!" Another reviewer compared this positively to Forbidden Planet. Yes Forbidden Planet had an invisible monster but they did what do with invisible monsters to indicate where the monster is, footprints in the dirt, and at least the monster in Forbidden Planet appeared twice, and because so many Dinosaurs were invisible. This is all kinds of dumb in a time period that loved dumb.
Dawn of the Dragonslayer (2011)
Too much medevil melodrama, not enough dragonslaying.
First, I don't want to sound sexiest but this dragon slaying movie isn't much of a dragon slaying movie. The world is very inconsistent. One minute dragons are unkillable, then the lord of the so called castle says dragons don't exist, then dragons are killable but only by Paladins, then they're only animals who we can kill by standing in an open area looking like idiots. But to the movie's credit the dragon is impressive, the CG is cool, the blending is excellent and the design is pretty scary but the main villain is sidelined and gets VERY little screentime compared to the stupid secondary characters like the other farm hands even though we see no farm and see 1 goat and 1 chicken through the whole movie in the land where Sterling lives, earlier we saw 3 goats to the farmland where our hero comes from. Also, our hero is always getting his butt kicked, he pouts , he broods but does he train to kill a dragon, no. Besides that the characters are so flat unlikable jerks with no redeeming qualities that you don't care. This movie has so much promise but is ruined by daytime drama nonsense which is stereotypical of a woman director who knows nothing of fantasy or fantasy realms.
Light! In a movie! Who needs that?
Here is a rare thing, the critics love this horror movie from A24 and all I have to say is... WHY?! For a movie called "The Witch" or the "VVitch", the witches get little to know screentime and no dialog. We never find out why the family was banished and was it part of the coven's plot? The pacing is terrible, there are long stretches of nothing happening. The cinematography is horrible. It's so dark, even during the day. There is a scene where we see the coven dancing naked but the camera is like a football field away and the only light is a bloody campfire. It's boring, having a black goat the devil was so obvious they didn't even bother trying to hide it. He's on the cover. I've seen several movies from A24 and so far they have Brain Damage failure record. But somehow A24 gets praised when they're the same crap as Brain Damage. Lastly: SPOILER ALERT! FOR THOSE WHO DON'T WANT IT SPOILED, THEN STOP READING.: Everyone is dead and Thomasin, the eldest daughter joins the coven. Which makes no sense, that came out of nowhere and they butchered her family, so why?
Beautiful People (2014)
Movie is stupid for stupid sake
We see a scene where one of the goons say that the dead house has weak security which is the reason they pick it and that is the most unbelievable part of the house. Not the zombies but that an illegal government paid research project on reanimating corpses most likely as bioweapons wasn't guarded to the hilt. Plus, who are we to root for? The murderous home invaders or the mad scientist feeding innocents to zombies? Neither, so a fail on characters. Also, motive. These three risk death to break into a place which people who might have weak security systems but might have guns, knives, swords to what? Force them to have sex? What profit is in that? Grant you insanity has no logic but three having the same insane fetish is astronomical. Also, rich homes like this normally have tight neighbors, it is unlikely that gun shots would not get the police coming considering how much time they took at the crime scene. Also, how about all the fingerprints and DNA, I somehow doubt these three haven't been arrested or put in a mental institution at least once. The acting is hammy at best but the least of this turd's problems. Lastly, SPOILER WARNING!!!! IF YOU DON'T WANT IT SPOILED STOP READING: Random killers and bad security equals... SURPRISE a zombie apocalypse. The child of the survives without being bit but the government takes him off camera and shoots him anyway. WHY? It's the end of the world? No covering it up and if there is time to investigate they'll find where it starts and learn it was the government, but again. IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD! NO BODY WILL BE INVESTIGATING! THEY'LL BE TOO BUSY TRYING NOT BE EATEN OR TURN INTO A ZOMBIE! God, this movie is just stupid for stupid sake.
I, Tonya (2017)
The Motion Picture Academy got it right for once.
For once the Motion Picture Academy got it right, this deserve the best picture win but it didn't actually win which means the people picking has more brains over the people voting. Is it perfect, no. It has pacing issues, mild pacing issues. It's funny, heart breaking and interesting.
I'm not surprised this movie is from Switzerland, it's cheesy and full of holes.
Let's start with what this movies does right, the CG is amazing. Next, this movie came out in 2017 but says robotics will have this kind of leap in what 3 years? I don't think so, movie should have been like 2145 or something. Second, movie pretty much rips off way better sci-fi stories from Terminator, Cleopatra 2525 to the Matrix. Let's talk about Van Dorne's plan. Because one man used his robots to murder innocents making him take the blame for unknown reasons. So the answer is killing all people, so the spilling of some innocent blood is so bad the answer is spilling more innocent blood? That makes perfectly no sense, but any excuse for humans to fight robots I guess. Thirdly, if Elias Van Dorne was determined to wipe out mankind because we don't deserve to live, logically speaking he should have stuck his main computer to automatic before blowing his brains out. Instead, he turns himself and his best friends into cyborgs, the problem is humans killing not being made of flesh. So that makes no sense other the filmmakers paid star John Cusack too much money to kill him off early even though that would make sense. Fourth, why Singularity? There is nothing about space, black holes or time travel, title makes no sense, like everything in this movie. Lastly, speaking of John Cusack. What a waste of a good actor. All he does is look either pissed off or bored through the whole movie, I'm guessing he was to lose human emotion now being some kind of cyborg but it doesn't explain him pretty much doing nothing except saying bad stilted dialog to Carmen Argenziano which has nothing to do with the other part of the movie. Switzerland should stick to cheese and clocks, the film industry is trash. I don't know how much this movie cost but since it got back less then five grand I'm guess there won't be a sequel and this spell the end of Swiss film. Because like Swiss cheese, it was cheesy and full of holes.
Beyond the Gates (2016)
The only thing that lies "Beyond this gate" is failure and a painfully bad movie
Strong premise because in the not to distant past near the end of VHS reign, VHS games were the rage. But with a micro budget of 300,000 gives this movie very poor pacing. The video rental store looks like it's mostly home made tapes which equals bootlegging, Gordon's dad would have been in jail long before he was sucked into the game ala "Jumanji: welcome to the Jungle" style. Maybe if they got product placement from other studios for the video rental segment they might have had a passing budget to make a decent. Hell, even 300,000 and the right friends they could have used a green screen and make a better movie. I don't know what they spent the money on but it clearly wasn't on trying to make a watchable movie.
Post Human: An Event (2017)
Movie trailer is bait and switch, fraud is the name of the trailer
First of all the score doesn't work for the movie, it has scary music when the scene doesn't call for it. The premise of a dying woman, who could die any day going into the woods but the actors read their lines with the passion and emotion of ordering from a dollar menu. Lastly, when it comes to low budget no nothing movies like this I like to check out the trailer to see what kind of a pain fest I'm in for. Will it be okay or will it be horrible. You watch the trailer for this and they talk of an old asylum ran by her father, there's a massive fire and a demon looking thing. None of which is in the movie. The house is way too small to ever be an asylum, the line is never uttered, the fire, the final confrontation nor the demon is ever seen. It's like they say the finished product, say what a boring turd they made and said screw it, let's fake a trailer to get people in seats. We'll use two snippets from the real movie and fake the rest. Someone should sue to the blatant fraud that trailer is. I'm not even kidding, the trailer is an entirely different movie,and what is up with the nuclear attack thing in the beginning and the end which has nothing to do with anything? I mean with the poster and that trailer, you'd think it's some exciting horror movie but it's bad even by the worst weepy drama standards.
Red Christmas (2016)
horror with an anti-abortion message
Twenty year ago an abortion clinic is attacked and a fetus that was freshly aborted somehow was still alive. Twenty years later the child finds the mother that aborted him with nothing but the power of plot convenience. And he's arrives just in time to crash a Christmas party. Seriously, considering how brain-damaged this guy is and I assume Diane had this abortion in another state maybe even under a fake name or her maiden name, how the hell did he find her, that is the biggest plot hole and why not sooner? I wish that the only problem. I mean, why can't the family in this type of home invasion horror movie be likable. Not dysfunctional assholes? These dicks can the BUNDY family from MARRIED WITH CHILDREN a run for their money. What is worse it the bible thumping, the anti-abortion message hits the audience so hard it can cause blunt for trauma. Lastly,
SPOILER ALERT!!!! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW IT ENDS THEN STOP READING: The family is dead and the only two left is the newborn baby who was born during the tragic events and the grandmother who had the abortion twenty years ago. She stabs Cletus with a pick axe with a chair around her neck jumping out the window committing suicide. I guess to pay for her abortion "crime". But it's not the police was coming, so Diane is condemning another child do die. There is nothing redeeming about this crap factory.
Thelma & Louise (1991)
Movie says it's a crime to defense against rape.
Now there is a thousand different directions this movie could have gone, having the rapist arrested, out on bail going after them for revenge. Louise killing the attempted rapist, not being hunted but being the son of a mob boss who wanted revenge. It was clearly self defense and making them criminals for killing a creep in self defense is wrong on so many levels. Ridley Scott has a hit or miss record in my opinion and Feminist regard this a movie of women empowerment, but in what way is this women empowerment? They flee the law for protecting themselves and considering the climax of the film, the message of the movie that women can't defend themselves against sexual assault or be considered criminals and speaking of the climax, SPOILER WARNING: IF YOU DON'T WANT IT SPOILED THEN STOP READING: When the entire state police force starts chasing them. First of all, they killed one asshole, and robbed a couple of place. I don't remember, was the president's son or something? The Boston Marathon bomber didn't get that many police after them. But I digress, they end up at the Grand Canyon where they chose death over prison, which makes no sense for if incarcerated they ha the whole self defense from rape defense. This movie is terrible and makes no sense.
Cabin Fever (2016)
A remake worse than a bad original
Director Travis Z did sometime I thought wasn't possible. He remade the WORST movie of 2002 and somehow made it WORSE. I know characters in horror movies aren't rocket scientist but how did these incredibly idiotic people get into college? I think Berkley must have lowered standards recently. Again, disrespecting a real serious and deadly medical condition like a cheap horror movie If someone wants to remake a turd like this, here is some advice. Characters are the core of any good movie. At least one or two must be likable or relatable. Not complete assholes you're glad to see die. Being almost shot per shot remake except adding scenes with Bert, a video game nerd. But makes him the biggest jerk of them all. Second, the gender swap the Sheriff from male Stoner moron to evil woman. You can tell she's evil, she has a scar by her eye. That's the true mark of evil, you know. The most unbelievable thing of all is they had a mid credit scene, like this crap storm was going to get a sequel.
Assassin's Creed (2016)
Don't Hold your breath on Assassin's Creed 2
First, let's start with the elephant, the story of Eden NEVER called it an apple. It was the forbidden fruit, only modern tellings turned it into a frick'n apple. Second, that thing looks fake as sh**! Nothing remotely like fruit, like something from a factory. I never played the video games but what I know of the games, the Knights Templar an the Church was never the main antagonists. The Di Vinci Code never got to this level of God bashing. Too much time was devoted to the modern parts of the story, the fact that Cal didn't totally refuse to do they're little experiment. Besides, if the fruit gave us free will, then how did we have the free will to defy god to eat to begin with. So, story makes sense, the bad editing in the fight scenes. Lastly, dumbing a game rated M for violence and blood to a PG-13 with a lack of blood for a wider audience to make money only cost them to lose money in the long run. This is a post Deadpool world, what moron can't see staying R would still make money. I was hoping this video game movie would break the streak of bad video game movies. They had built in stories they could have adapted to no gamers but they f***ed it up badly. There is a page saying "Assassin's Creed 2" is in development. But this first movie lost so much money, I can't believe the studio has canceled it.
The Carrier (2015)
Total waste of time.
This movie starts out with this so called horrible virus pandemic spreading all over Europe but England is the only quarantined. And the virus is so horribly deadly that people with the virus are shot on sight. Yet who ever wrote this mess of a movies knows nothing of viral containment. The army searching people for infection before getting on board a plane only had their uniforms, gloves and a gas mask. For a touch based virus, that was stupid. There was several ways they could have been touched and infected. The character were all horrible people. The pace went to dead slow to complete stop. And let's talk about the horrible virus that makes them get the infected shot on sight of the slightest infection. The cover implies some kind of zombie virus, which is a lie. All the virus does is call massive amounts of swelling of the face. That's it. I'm not kidding, that's it. They're not undead, they're not going insane or cannibalistic, just face swelling. That's it, the world's afraid of super mumps. The only monster here is that the uninfected are killing sick people for looking slightly unpleasant. There was no indication that virus even kills on it's own. The effects are horrible, the make up effects would get someone kicked off of "Face-Off". The CG was all kinds of amateur. They used the same cockpit for a jet as well as a so called prop job. Those two types of planes would have totally different looking windows and controls. Not to mention, they added props to a private jet in one bad CG scene. This is all kinds of wrong and the UK should be embarrassed to have made this dog-pile in an age when adverts have quality CG.
Los inocentes (2013)
Don't we make enough crap without importing it?
The story is basic, prank gone bad. But the realism is a complete unseen in this movie. The killer had a nail gun with way too big of nail to fit in the gun and no compressor to fire it. So, this woman was able to get a hold of a futuristic nail gun that doesn't require a compressor, a bone saw, a Black Mamba who she was able to train, somehow get killer bees to swarm on cue to sting making a certain blood pattern on the window, laughing gas.
The premise is that her son was killed by being lured to the area of the hot waters and the water was hot, the metal of the room became lethal. But the cutout burned up due to the excessive heat, how would she know. Not to to mention no court in any country would fail to to convict them of manslaughter. The deaths are unrealistic, the fact they ripped off the first Friday THE 13TH movie, then half way through it turns into BLAIR WITCH PROJECT.
Lastly, the last survivor gets a nail in her arm but was able to get the nail gun away from her only to be shot by Police who never announced himself or ordered her to drop the weapon, I don't know how things are done in Spain, but I know that's not how we do it in American.
The Blair Witch Project (1999)
Blair CRAP project
Here's the truth about the "Blair Witch", it's not real! All the hype had me believing that it was a real documentary they found in the woods. That's the only reason why anyone went to see this pile of steaming crap is they convinced us all it was real. This is a good example on how good marketing can make a bad movie a hit even when it doesn't deserve to be. I mean no wonder all those Blair Witch parodies came out so soon after the original, it deserved to be ridiculed, it was that bad. Nothing happens, 90 minutes or whatever the length is of nothing. By the half way point I was almost asleep. By the way, lame twist at the end also. There is no Blair Witch ghost, it's an escaped mental patient who murders them all. That's it. It's not scary, I've read scarier fairy tales then this way. Don't waste your time on the BLAIR CRAP PROJECT! I give it the Turkey!
House of Wax (2005)
Not as good as Vincent Price's classic, but still good
Okay, here's the low down on HOUSE OF WAX. I am a big fan of the classic HOUSE OF WAX as some of you may already know. But I am not that disappointed with this remake. I got to admit I was stunned when the house of wax was a house of wax, literally. I feel that was the most unique aspect of this otherwise formula slasher movie. There was some aspects I saw coming a mile away and other aspects that surprised me. This pales to the VINCENT PRICE classic, but it is unique enough in story and character develop to stand out on it's own. The new house of wax is a scary and gore masterpiece of modern story telling and I am happy for once to say I'm not sorry they made this movie. 8 STARS.
The Langoliers (1995)
What? I'm sorry what?
I really did enjoy the movie, the acting, the characters and the monsters were all cool, but what the Hell was King thinking when he wrote this? You can't go back in time because monsters eat the past, how insane is that. I'm not an expert on Einstein's theory of relativity but I'm pretty sure there's nothing about monsters eating the past. Plus could the Bronson Pinchot be any more of a jerk? Tell me, I don't think he could have. But the story makes a nice fairy tale but it has no basses in fact and it's not crazy it's not possible to time travel but his theory just doesn't add up. But it does make a fun watch and earned 7 STARS.
Dark Crap 3 - When will the pain stop!
As you may remember I have seem all three of the trilogy of trash and the first movie is the only one even remotely close to be watchable. Part two was low grade sewage and this installment is slightly better then two, but still one steaming pile of something I removed from my backyard last Monday. The premise doesn't make sense, why did the moonshiners murder that poor old lady and even in 1921 I think someone would notice a bunch of oily guys where a sweet little old lady once lived. Second, that scarecrow is pathetic compared to how cool they looked in the first movie. It's just old clothes and a burlap sack. Let's face it, the series is garbage and should be forgotten about. THE NOOSE!
Fist of the North Star (1995)
Powerful adaptation that stays fateful to the original
Now this is a good adaptation of the original manga and anime, the Producers of Daredevil and Super Mario Bros. can learn something by watching it. It stays fateful to the story without changing any major plot points or characters. I do wish they had the scene where Ken powers up which destroys his shirt and the seven scars glow. But that is really minor compared to the whole movie. They also didn't have the guy that had the energy strings that sliced people like ham. That was cool. Again a minor complaint. This is an exciting and entertaining live action American version and I think fans of the anime will enjoy this.
Could have been better
Now I am not the biggest fan of the first Amityville Horror movie, even though it was based on a true story I felt it dragged on. But this prequel really drags on and the Sonny character must have had pudding for brains to allow himself to be used like that. He must have had issues to begin with not to fight the evil impulses and to commit the crime without even flinching. But since they did mention this in the first movie I guess it had to happen and the events had to transpire the way they did. But the crime is only the beginning as they try to save Sonny's soul from damnation. Which means another forty or so minutes. I guess it could have been better but I can tell you it could have been allot better as well. SO my verdict on the second Amityville movie is 7 STARS.
The Gingerdead Man (2005)
Clever Cookie Caper
First of all I'd like to say that I am happy to see Charles Band back where he belongs in the director's chair. Now if he can salvage his other children like Puppet Master and Demonic Toys. But getting back to this, I got to admit this is one strange and unique concepts, in fact one of the most unique concepts that's come out in a long time. The cast does a great job with the material given to them, now the dialog was kind of cheesy at time and some of the effects could have been a lot better. But as a whole the Gingerdead Man is a fun if short romp and I hope they find a way to bring the Gingerdead Man back for a sequel, that is something I'd look forward to. 9 out of 10 STARS
Ice Cream Man (1995)
Taste the flavor of terror
A new twist on the serial killer genre, which shows that anyone can be a serial killer. Why didn't the ending credits mention his name which was Gregory not just Ice Cream Man? There was a scene when the cops were asking Greg a couple of questions and he gave one a scoop of Rocky Road with a human eye ball and he eats it. Besides a moment of ewww! You'd never see the cops on CSI taking anything from a suspect, they would have said "No thank you." Either the cops in Pasadena are complete morons or they didn't write it correctly. That and the fact Greg was just a normal guy with no mask or anything, stimulating yes, perfect, no. 7 STARS.
The Ice Pirates (1984)
Help! Ice Pirates have stolen my heart!
I saw this movie when I was a kid and fell in love with way back when and still love this movie. The humor, the effects, the story, the action are all just perfect. Now don't get me wrong, it's not a perfect movie. There are some minor taste issues that must be addressed like the gross space herpe monster. Really gross and the ooze trail let behind is also gross. But the story works, the cast is perfect and the effects are wonderful. Mel Brooks might have created Spaceballs, but it wasn't the first parody on the space opera, that honor will always go to The Ice Pirates! So to conclude this review glowing with positive raves I must give the movie 9 STARS.
Pretty darn scary and cool!
As you may already be aware of that I am a fan of the first movie, but I got to admit that this second installment is even better then the first in several ways. First, the demon punks are even cooler then the zombie punks. Alexis Arquette who plays Tony Reno knows how to have fun while being evil, that's always cool. The demonic effects are cool. Now my complaint, they talk about how Jon kills the three punks electrocuting them, they even show it in the trailer, but why did they cut it out of the movie? I for a party of one think that is kind of important to the plot, that would be like cutting the train wreck from the first movie. Maybe they can put it back in some anniversary edition DVD or something. If you're reading this and own a DVD company, you might want to consider it. But other then that, I give Sometimes they come back again 9 STARS.
Werewolf equivalent of "The Lost Boys".
As you may or may not be aware of is the fact how much I loved the movie The Lost Boys and this movie has many of the same good elements as The Lost Boys. It has great characters, it has a great story, great effects. Funny and scary, it's just a great movie. Christina Ricci has been in many of my favorite movies in her career, the live action Casper, the remake of the ADDAMS' FAMILY, and more recently BLACK SNAKE MOAN. Now, the identity of the werewolf will keep you guessing and it gets dark in places and there are some minor character issues in the minor characters. But on the whole this is a masterpiece in horror and Wes Craven has done it again. So to me this is the werewolf equivalent to the Lost Boys and well worth watching, over and over again. 9 STARS.