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Two and a Half Cheesesteaks for this Little Vamp Indie... ;=8)
Awlright, let's begin with the obvious: the lighting in this film is bad. Very bad. Distractingly and damagingly bad. But the MooCow can tell you, from his very brief experience with filming, lighting can be VERY tricky business, especially if you have a tight budget, or are an inexperienced DP. Of all the production elements needed to make a successful film, lighting and sound rank as arguably the moost important (aside from editing).
This ain't a Hollywood film, people. It ain't even close. But the MooCow has to clap his hooves in approval for this valiant effort.
The story (set in Philadelphia!!!) cowcerns a damaged man out to avenge the death of his wife by a cabal of vampires. He doesn't care for their politics, or their preening leader Wraithwood, or even their efforts to resurrect their slain sire: all he wants is to get even with Demetrius. A film about revenge, which just happens to include vampires.
This is a fairly simple story, conventionally told and earnestly acted, hamstrung primarily by lesser production values. But there is moore heart in this perky little indie than in moost of the pap that Hollybore craps out on a regular basis.
There are juicy bits of dialog; there is a pretty rockin' alt-rock score (including MySpace's Torsion from Philly!); and there are charismatic, believable performances from moost of the cast. Pacing is fairly smooth, and the film mooves along at a nice clip without bogging down anywhere in particular. The direction is focused, minimal, and neither shows off nor gets in the way. There are many good things to be said for this effort, clearly the best film on the bundled vampire DVD which the MooCow viewed "Lifeblood".
Some of the fight scenes were not very cowvincing. Nor were some of the FX. And the wigger-guy, MD: pretty lame. And some of the special effects are, well...special. But no matter. This cow was willing to suspend belief and forgive some of these minor flaws to enjoy the overall film, and the MooCow hopes you will too.
Its a new day out there, people. Advances in technology have leveled the playing field for a lot of people out there who would rather make their own films than wait for Hollybore to maybe make something not completely ralfable. Independent film should be encouraged and supported whenever possible. And while this may not be on the level of, say, "The Lost Skeleton of Cadavera", or "Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter", nonetheless the MooCow can tell you there are far, far worse vampire vehicles out there, ready to sop up your hard-earned weregeld.
So grab a Philly blunt, a cheese steak (chicken, of course!), a couple of soft pretzels, and enjoy the film! :=8D
Hard Rock Zombies (1985)
Worst Rock n Roll Zombie Moovie Ever?? Prob'ly!! ;=8)
The tepid, dreadful zombie flick scrapes the bottom of the barrel, in a way that is truly insulting to barrels. Every possible cliché is driven home with all the subtlety of a steam hammer; every aspect of professional production is gleefully shredded by the intense non-talent in this film. BUT... You simply have to see it. A mess beyond all messes.
Oh, and stink-fans, your boy Sam Mann, from the equally-wretched "Roller Blade", is in this too (as the 'drummer'). In fact, our boy Mann was in several Donald G. Jaclson stinkers, moostly of the Roller Blade variety. Now he's in this pile of cow pooo too - isn't life sweet???
Lang nu bai mo (1982)
Where oh where can I get my hooves on a copy??? :
It has been many, many moons since the MooCow laid his astounded eyes upon the opus known as "Wolfen Ninja", but it is an experience not likely to be forgotten. :=8)
Like many of us who grew up in the 60's and 70's, I can remember seeing this amazing film during one of the many Kung Fu Double Features that played on our local tv station(before cable was all the rage) - Channel 48, out of Moo Jersey, I believe. This one had a girl who was abandoned at birth, only to be brought up by a pack of dogs/wolves, who developes her own "special" brand of kung fu. She barked, lapped up water, dressed in furs, and (god as my witness) had a stuffed dog tied around her head, no doubt to remind us of her wolven-cownection. I distinctly remember laughing uproariously throughout the entire film. I would be one happy MooCow if I cud only get my hooves on a copy. It is probably udder some secondary title, but it has proven harder to find than the Holy Grail. Suffice to say, anyone who loves silly kung fu moovies, or stinkers in general, need to see this flick. It's right up there with "Drunken Wu Tang", "Flying Guiletine", and "For Your Height Only".
Tepid T&A Turkey is Tacky... :=8P
Lucky, lucky you. You don't have to face real evil every day, the sort of hair-raising, bile-churning, hell-on-earth foulness that the MooCow faces every day of his unimaginably heroic life. But that's why the MooCow is here: to watch terrible, awful, horribly stinky moovies, so you don't have to.
And you definitely don't have to watch this dead turkey. In which several nerds, nekkid chicks, and sorority bimbos release a rubber midget from a bowling trophy in a deserted bowling alley. The rubber midget talks like Superfly Pimpdaddy, grants a couple of mild wishes, which promptly turn sour, and then turns the sorority bimbos into killer demons with lots of eye shadow. Not exactly Shakespeare, but who cares, it should be a lot of fun, right?? Wrong-o, boy wonder! :=8P The simple fact is that this cheeser is a major snore. I know, I know, it's gotta great title that makes it sound like one of those classic cheesers that the wacky guys at Troma like to throw our way every now and then. The MooCow is also aware of, and appreciates, the fact that this stinker employs the ample talents of a troika of classic T&A jigglers, including Linnea Quigley("Graduation Day", "Creepozoids", "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers"), Brinke Stevens("Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity", "Slumber Party Massacre", "Bad Girls from Mars"), and Michelle Bauer("Roller Blade", "Night of the Living Babes", "Beverly Hills Vamps"). Believe the MooCow when he says there should have been a LOT MOORE udder action here... In fact, the acting is drab(particularly by the nerds), the sound is lousy, the lighting is dim(a strobe would have been moore illuminating), the fx are total cheese wiz(did they steal that rubber midget from "Roller Blade"??), the editing choppy and headache-inducing, the direction stale and lifeless. There is sooo mooch negative energy from the non-action in this film that you cud conceivably power several titanic black holes, and still have enough to run yer quasinart on puree. Director David DeCoteau has producer/directed far moore palatable cheese before("Assault of the Killer Bimbos", "Trancers II", and "Beach Babes from Beyond"), and he makes the inexcusable error of turning a spicy teen-exploitation T&A jigglefest into boring, watery treacle. Very little happens between scenes of the jigglers and the "demons" - this is one moovie that cud have sorely used Eddie Deezen, and that about says it all! Don't say you weren't warned! The MooCow says definitely don't judge this video by it's title, and the chance of some nekkid flesh, 'cause this one is a gutterball. :=8P
Heh??? I'm really cowfused... :=8/
Ok, just what heck in the dingdongheckamadoodle is going on in this flick??? :=8/ Well, a loser is convinced by his shrink, who happens to be a psychopath, that HE is the psychopath responsible for killing families, so he runs off to a mystical place from his dreams and falls in with a group of vague, ugly mootants. Then the hicks come and it's a turkey-shoot, then everything goes boom. This moovie is totally incoherent. I have no idea what's taking place on screen, and I sure as heck can't figure out why. First off: The Nightbreed - what exactly are they? Are they lycanthropes(shape-changers, like werewolves)? Are they undead(like vampires)?? Are they undead lycanthropes??? If they are undead, why do guns "kill" them? If they're not, WHY DEW YEW HAVE TO DIE TO BECOME ONE???? DOH!! DOH!! DOH!!
Why are they all living in a cemetary?? Why does it have a name(Midian)??? In the beginning of the film they talk about Midian as if it were in some kind of dream, yet Boon(Graig Schaffer, "Hellraiser V", "Death Wore a Skirt", "Voyage of the Rock Aliens") finds it after about 5 seconds of driving. Why does everyone(ie: useless support characters) seem to know who/what they are, but not the audience? If they are monsters, why can't they defend themselves? Why dew they let a bunch of Canadian hicks shoot them?? The whole herd just about tore the spots off their backs trying to figure out this one. :=8/ Talk about bland: Craig Schaffer(Boon), Anne Bobby(Lori, "Mad About You" tv series), and the venerable David Cronenberg(sickie Canadian director, "Crash", Videodrome", "Naked Lunch") are 3 of the blandest actors I've seen trying to carry a horror film. Bobby has about as much charisma as a burst yam. Cronenberg, in front of the camera for once, has the only interesting character, but acts as if he phoned in the lines - back to the director's chair fer you, David, and stay there! :=8/ Too many stupid things happen in this film to recount, but the worst may be the Everything Blows Up finale(a la Jerry Bruckheimer); I guess the graveyard moost have been built on some kind of underground petrolium processing station because EVERYTHING blows up - I mean, dirt, stone, mouldering coffins, and ugly mootants usually don't explode for no reason. Blame everything on Clive Barker, the British horror writer who gave us the Hellraiser and Candyman flicks. Actually, the novella from which this film was ripped, kicking and screaming, is pretty good("Cabal"), and makes a lot moore sense than this monstrosity. But Barker wrote the script & directed this catastrophe all by himself, so all the cow pies can be directed at him. Ridiculous, stupid, and terrible. The MooCow says read the book, bury the moovie. :=8P
L'uomo puma (1980)
The Amazing Adventures of "Silly-Costumed Hopping Guy"!!! :=8P
R u old enough to remember an incredibly stupid, cheap, and silly tv show from the early 80's called "Greatest American Hero"? Well...THIS IS WORSE!!! :=8P Geeky, spindly dork in a cheap costume flies about a rear-projection sound stage, to home-made casio-disco moosic, defeating a leathery-looking Donald Pleasance("Halloween", "You Only Live Twice", "THX 1138") who has stolen a cheap gold foil mask to brainwash the world through plastic heads with wires. That about covers it. :=8P Words simply cannot convey the jaw-dropping cheapness and absurd stupidity of this awful Italian import that's cheesier than a cat covered in parmesan. Walter George Alton(who???) plays Puma Man, easily the worst, lamest, saddest "super-hero" ever filmed. These are his "super powers": He floats awkwardly through a rear-projection set at around 3 miles an hour via a string tied to his narrow butt; with the aforementioned string, he hops about like some demented, fur-less rabbit; his fingers are claws that can rend aluminum and paper-mache bricks; he can sort of "walk" off the scene(off camera) and appear magically someplace else(somewhere else on-camera again); his awesome "puma vision" allows him to see everything in bright red. The MooCow dares you not to laugh yer fool head off upon viewing any one of these so-called "powers", especially the oh-so-realistic flight. But our hero is not alone. Square-headed Vidinio, an "Aztec" high priest who cowmoonicates with the gods(space aliens), and tosses people out of windows & demands they try on belts just for kicks, is our would-be hero's ally/side-kick/teacher. It is he who teaches Puma Man the powerful super secret Puma Man mantra which harnesses the powers of the cosmos for Puma Man: "Every man is a god, every man is free". Sydne Rome plays Jane Dobson, a useless blonde twit of a love-interest. Poor Donald Pleasance has to try and act menacing while hiding behind an aluminum foil mask painted gold. All of these cosmic forces collide in "Puma Man", resulting in easily the feeblest fantasy flick this cow has seen since "Jack Frost"(Mazorko). Dew watch the MST3K version of this fiasco; dew tie strong ropes around your sides to assist them from splitting open with laughter, you will need them. Basically, the MooCow says if yer looking for easy laughs, then this is the flick fer you, 'cause this Puma is a PHEW-ma, man! ;=8)
The Headless Eyes (1971)
Egad! Where the Heck Did This Come From?? :=8/
Dreadful, awful, terrible, and horrible - one simply runs out of adjectives when describing this cheap, excretable, incredibly bad 70's horror flick. Shot in the Frank Henenlotter("Basket Case")school of nasty, sleazy, ugly horror-wanna-be flicks, believe the MooCow when he says yer gonna need at least 37 showers after viewing this one - "The Headless Eyes" doesn't just stink, it REEKS! Yep, you can really smell the back-ally urine stains coming off this one. It opens like some kind of pathetic snuff film, where this moron starving artist(Bo Brundin)steals a couple of coins from the empty purse of some ditz. She screams, they struggle, and she puts his eye out with a spoon - or so they would us believe. A Laughably cheap and pathetic plastic eye is glued to his closed eyelid, in the dimmest possible hope of suggesting gore and violence. Mooore fake blood and plastic eyes are to follow, as the film(and that's being charitable, folks...)descends quickly into a weary, dreary catalogue of incredibly stupid victims getting "murdered", while Brundin cackles hopelessly & fondles moore plastic eyes in red paint. You think Shatner over-acts?? You ain't seen nuthin' yet, friends! Brundin is so incredibly over-the-top and stupid that his performance goes beyond comprehension. So, what did "Director" Kent Bateman tell him, "go out there and act like the stupidest possible moron you can"??? Mission accomplished!! And let's face it, this film had no director, or editor, or crew. I think random bits of mouldering film stock were left in a closet, like some old, slimey, bacterial cheese spread, and then mootated into this laughable disaster. By the way, Kent Bateman is the father of Justine Bateman, prooving once and for all that the "no possible talent whatsoever" gene can be passed from generation to generation. One of this film's producers(yeah, right...) is Henri Pachard(here as Ronald Sullivan), known moore for his sweet, sentimental porno flicks(like "Jane Bond Meets Thunderthighs", and "Obey Me B**ch, I-IV"). Yes, folks, this is "Manos" for the 70's, they don't come mooch worse than this(except "Guru The Mad Monk"!!). The MooCow says if you reaaalllly wanna erase someone's brain beyond the hope of any cure, this is the flick to do it. Good luck! :=8/
The Clonus Horror (1979)
Not a Horror Story...Unless They Cloned Cows... ;=8)
SLOOOOOOOW, tepid, poorly produced 70's schlocker made moore cowvincing because of today's headlines; nonetheless, this film is worthy stink-fodder because of uncowvincing acting, absent direction, and silly 70's clothing(sadly, the MooCow remembers when Adidas clothing was all the rage...). This has the same sort of feel to it that some better 70's sci-fi moovies accowmplished, namely "WestWorld" and "Logan's Run". While the premise interesting(rich people clone themselves to keep a ready supply of body parts to keep them alive theoretically forever), the film makes the mistake of saddling us with Richard(Tim Donnelly), a clone who is at once both boring and irritating. Hollow acting by Donnelly doesn't help, but fits right in with the rest of the cast. Even such B-illuminaries as Dick Sargent("Bewitched" tv series, "Ghost with 1,000,000 Eyes), Keenan Wynn("Dr. Strangelove", "The Dark", "Laserblast"), and Peter Graves("Beginning of the End", "Killers from Space", "It Conquered the World")provide only the moost tepid performances. Produced, directed, and edited by a bunch of nobodies, it's no surprise that "Clonus" fails to horrify anyone in the least, much less keep anyone's attention! Truth be told, there's nothing in the feeble flick that even schlock-fans would love - wanna see some realllly bad, funny 70's films, put on anything by Greydon Clark. "Clonus" is no bonus; the MooCow says even the MST3K-version is a yawner, so proceed at yer own risk! :=8P
Robot Monster (1953)
Before "Manos", Before "Plan 9", There was This... :=8P
Woohoo!! To say the "Robot Monster" is the grand-daddy of all stinky moovies does not give it justice enough. For it is with Phil Tucker's("Cape Canaveral Monsters)epic failure that the true genre of stinky films come to fruition. And what smell fruit it is!! The MooCow can cowtribute little to the reams of writing which already discusses Tucker's monstrosity, but some details are worth noting again and again. The inexcusably cheap and laughable props and fx include a bubble machine, stock-footage "giant" lizards, and a guy in an ape suit with a diving helmet on(George Barrows, "Mesa of Lost Women, "Ghost in the Invisible Bikini", "Hillbillies in a Haunted House"). Yes, Ro-Man is quite the terrifying monster; few scenes can match the intense, overall hilarity of watching his pudgy, fuzzy form amble to and fro amongst the rocks, or watching him flap his furry arms menacingly. And what the heck is going on with these stock-footage "giant" reptiles that show up every now and then, whether the plot calls for them or not? For stinky moovie buffs, these are the same fake critters that show up in "The Mole People", "The Lost World", and about a thousand udder cheap stinkers. Cowever, NO ONE else has that bubble machine - what a terrifying device of horror!! LOL :
In addition to the poorest possible production values, "Robot Monster" is also blessed with wretched performances, scatter-brained direction, and jaw-dropping dialogue("You look like a pooped-out pinwheel"/ "Now I will kill you", "Is there a choice between a painless surrender-death, or the horror of resistance-death?"). When the critics lambasted his pitiful attempt at film-making, Director/Producer Tucker tried to cowmit suicide. Not even Ed Wood made a film as poor as "Robot Monster"(although "Glen or Glenda" comes purty darn close!). Stinky trivia fans should note that Writer Wyott Ordung also wrote "Target Earth", and acted in "Monster from the Ocean Floor". No kidding, guys, this film absolutely MOOST be seen to be believed, and the MooCow heartily recowmends that all stinky moovie fans have a copy of "Robot Monster" in their stinky cowlections. Try to avoid the 3D version, which interrupts the flow of stink with headache-inducing, poor 3D effects. The MooCow's favorite scene shows Ro-Man clumsily discovering that he's in love with "Ahh-lice", and spouting out his moost famous lines: "Yes, to be like the Hu-man, to laugh and feel and want! Why are these things not in The Plan?" The MooCow also loves worthless Claudia Barrett(as "Ahh-lice"), who gets picked up and carried around by everyone so often she should have handles grafted onto her hips. They don't make 'em like this anymoore!! The MooCow says get yer hooves on a copy of "Robot Monster" now, and watch out for those bubbles!!! ;=8)
Mean Brit Bikers Bump Grocers, Worship Frogs! :=8/
Uhmm, yes, "Psychomania" is a kind-of biker moovie about a sort-of motorcycle gang which gives the impression of being mean, uncivilized, and anti-social by...umm...killing themselves and worshipping frogs. Oooookay...What an odd, bizarre moovie! Horror has never been the Brit's strongest hand at moovie-making(watch "Lifeforce" sometime, and you'll see what I mean!). :=8P But this odd little flick has an uneasy antidisestablishmentaristic feel to it, like several udder good Brit flicks of the times, including "If..." and Kubrick's masterful "Clockwork Orange". Unfortunately, this film is wrapped around an absurd scooter-gang plot, and has that darned frog-thing going. It mooost be said that these Brit bikers are not the mad soccer-holligans we've come to expect from our daft cousins from across the puddle. They sort of race about on their little bikes, bumping into grocers and shoppers, knocking over cans of food, whizzing in and out of traffic, and even (I say!) driving their bikes inside buildings. Pretty tame stuff even for 1971. Mommy(Beryl Reid, "No Sex Please - We're British") has made a pact with Satan/a demon/a frog-thing so that delinquent son Tom(Nicky Henson, "There's a Girl in My Soup")& his group of politely mean bikers called "The Living Dead" can come back from the grave. But Tom's squeeze Abby(Mary Larkin) refuses to join the undead duds, and they all get turned into rock, or salt, or piles of frog-poo, it's never quite clear. George Sanders("All About Eve", "From the Earth to the Moon", "The Picture of Dorian Grey") plays starchy butler Shadwell, who knows all the evil angles - it was one of the last films Sanders made before kiling himself out of boredom. The sharp-eyed will spot Robert Hardy(Inspector Hesseltine) from "Night of the Lepus"! There are some amoosing scenes, to be sure - the famous "motorcycle blasting out of the grave" scene is kind of kewl, and so is the opening scene showing the bikers circling a small henge in slow-motion. But if yer looking for horror, or even just some mindless ultra-violence, yer in the wrong pond. Precious little action, silly dialogue("I've always fancied crashing through a brick wall, what about you?"), and unconvincing death scenes undermine what cud have been a far moore imaginative, alternative flick. The film is sooo 1971, calling the police "the fuzz", etc, that it positively reeks of incense and peppermint, if yer into that sort of thing. Director Sharp made many tv moovies, but also a few major films, including "Kiss of the Vampire", "Rocket to the Moon", and several Fu Manchu films. The MooCow says, if you find mildly impolite bikers menacing, frogs horrifying, or have nightmares about the early 70's in general, this may be the film for you! Udderwise, this frog is a croaker. :=8P
The Projected Man (1966)
Oh, um excuse me, sorry, fell asleep there for a mooment. Now where was I? Oh yes, "The Projected Man", yes... ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........... <=8.
Ooops, sorry. Yes, "The Projected Man". Well, it's a British sci-fi yawnfest about nothing. Some orange-headed guy projects himself on a laser, gets the touch of death. At last he vanishes, the end. Actually, the film's not even that interesting. Dull, droning, starchy, stiff, and back-breakingly boring, "The Projected Man" is 77 solid minutes of nothing, starring nobody. Dull as dishwater. Dull as doorknob dust. Dull as Ethan Hawke - we're talking really DULL here, people! But wait, in respect to our dull cousins from across the puddle, the MooCow will now do a proper review for "The Projected Man":
Later, Gator... ;=8)
Ahhh, one of the classic 80's Guilty Pleasure flicks, right up there with "Humanoids From the Deep", and "C.H.U.D.". Ramon, the cute little baby gator who gets flushed into the sewers of Chi-town eats some dead dogs on super-steroids, and becomes a giant, ravenous walking handbag with teeth. Chicago is terrorized, and only a handful of veteran B-moovie actors can save the day! Robert Forster("The Black Hole", "Delta Force", "Satan's Princess") is our balding, square-jawed hero; Robin Riker("Buffy the Vampire Slayer" tv series, "Dead Badge")plays the snuggly herpatologist; Henry Silva("Chained Heat", "Megaforce", "Amazon Women on the Moon") plays a surly big-game hunter; Michael Gazzo("The Godfather II", "Sudden Impact") is the over-worked police chief; Dean Jagger("Twelve O'Clock High", "X: The Unknown", "Game of Death")is the evil corporate bigwig who gets smooshed in his own limo; Sydney Lassick("One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest", "Shakes the Clown", "Fast Walking")is a twisted pooch purveyor who gets pulverized. In fact, LOTS of people get chomped, stomped, and crushed by the mad gator, but it's all done with wit and enough sense not to take its self too seriously. Udders cowplain that "Alligator" is merely anudder "Jaws" rip-off, but fail to appreciate the film's tongue-in-cheek humor & fun. Penultimate scene of the hungry gator running amok at a garden party is an all-time classic! Cud have been really stupid, but the film benefits from a smart script by John Sayles(w. "The Howling", "Matewan", "Eight Men Out"), and solid direction by Lewis Teague(d."The Lady in Red", "Cujo", "Navy SEALS"). Pretty good fx further cowplimant the moovie. Not a perfect film, by any means, but a great choice to pop in on a dull Saturday night with a greasy pizza & some moo juice! Stop flushing those baby gators down the john!! The MooCow says rent "Alligator" today! ;=8)
Jack Frost (1997)
A Lump of Coal... :=8P
Umm, well, it appears that someone made a moovie about a demented, wise-cracking, killer styrofoam...snowman. Yes, yes, yes, I know those wacky kids that made "Jack Frost" went out of their way to make the film silly, self-indulgent, and goofy, but fer cryin' out loud somebody give these guys two nickels to rub together!! I mean, we're talking poverty row here, folks. "Jack Frost", while amoosing in its twisted way, sports some of the feeblest production values this cow has ever seen. For example, in the beginning, we're supposed to buy that the "State Executional Transportation Vehicle" crashes into the tanker of genetic acid (heh??) in some kind of cowllision?? They just rolled the camera around fer god's sake! And that styrofoam snowman's suit...and the confetti snow...and the water sprayers behind the door, etc, etc, etc. Every gaff is very cheap and very obvious. Mooch of the intended humor and wackiness is lost because of this total lack of fundage, not the udder whey around. And the acting...are these people supposed to be that stupid?? I mean, why in the world would anyone purposely wanna dew the dirty cow boogie in someone else's house, listening to someone else's moosic, using someone else's hair dryer, etc?? That kind of sicko belongs in Cronenberg's "Crash". Truth is, every character in the flick is an idiot beyond belief, beyond cartoons, beyond even Barney. And I'm sorry guys, the wisecracks get very old very quickly. This cud have been a great flick, like "Killer Klowns From Outer Space" if these guys had just gotten a decent writer and begged their backers for 5 mooore bucks. You've seen everyone in this film in bit parts in udder films before: Chris Allport(Sam) was on "The X-Files" tv show, and was in "To Live and Die in L.A."; Stephen Mendel(Agent Manners) showed up in "Scanner Cop II"; F. William Parker(Paul) popped up in tons of 80's & 90's tv, including "NYPD Blue", "The X-Files", and Seinfeld". Snuggly Shannon Elizabeth(Jill, the gal who gets, ummm...snowballed) was in "American Pie". It's doubtful that this little entry pops up on any of their resumes. The MooCow says that, while not without some charm & humor, this "Jack Frost" is little moore than a frozen turkey. They actually made a sequal!! Hope they got that extra 5 spot to help with the props this time... :=8/
Nosferatu: Phantom der Nacht (1979)
Rats, Rats, and Mooore Rats... :=8/
Yes, Director Werner Herzog's "Nosferatu" has mooore rats than this cow has ever seen, possibly even mooore rats than "Willard". Herzog("Fitzcaraldo", "Aguirre: the Wrath of God"), is known for making pretty, artsy Euro-flicks, mainly with his long-time pal Klaus Kinski, the John Carradine of German film. Kinski("Fitzcaraldo", "The Blue Hand", "Crawlspace") enjoyed a career which saw him grace no only Herzog's artsy Euro-flicks, but also many stinky American schlockers. Like Carradine, he was a fine actor who cud not turn down a role, any role. This time, he plays Count Dracula - yep the Big Toothy Guy himself. But Herzog's film is mooore a remake of the Max Schrenk silent 20's masterpiece "Nosferatu", than of the traditional Hollywood Dracula films(ie: Bela Lugosi). And, Kinski plays the Count as moore of a tragic figure, someone who longs for the chance to live and love and snuggle next to the serenely beautiful Isabelle Adjani("Camille Claudel", "Diabolique", "Queen Margot"). This is all very well for those touchy-feely Anne Rice weepy-hero vampire-lovers out there, but moost true horror fans have found "Nosferatu" to be a rather weak entry into the genre. Like many Herzog films, "Nosferatu" is nice to look at, with scenes set in lovely cobblestoned streets and regal castles. But as a horror film, "Nosferatu" simply cannot bring about enough suspense to deliver any true thrills. Like Coppola's disappointing 1992 "Dracula", this film is moore about setting, mood, and visual splendor than actual horror. Those with little patience will get bored quickly, as "Nosferatu" has neither gore, nudity, nor violence to get their cowbells shaking. Which is not a bad thing, of course. Anyone who finds rats creepy will get mooore than their share of the wiggins, as viewers get to watch thousands of their furry friends crawl all over the sets. But even the rats seem curiously antiseptic, and seem of the clean, cute laboratory-variety. It should be noted that Roland Topor(writer of "Fantastic Planet") plays a particularly giggly & hiccuppy Renfield. The MooCow says in the right circumstances, "Nosferatu" makes for an interesting diversion into anudder view of the vampire-genre, but if yer looking for real horror, the kind to curdle the milk in yer udders, then you gotta take the herd someplace else. :=8)
The Astounding She-Monster (1957)
Astoundingly Awful.... :=8P
Whew! What a stinker!! :=8P Blurry beauty from an-udder world lands & creates havok with a group of dopey kidnappers, a screaming socialite, and a VERY lonely geologist who talks to his dog. In addition to the bad acting, poor production values, stinky lighting, and ham-handed direction, "Astounding She-Monster" also sports the worst over-eager narration this side of "Mesa of Lost Women". The sharp-eyed will spot Kenne Duncan("Night of the Ghouls", "The Sinister Urge") as idiot kidnapper #1; Robert Clarke("Hideous Sun Demon", "Beyond the Time Barrier") plays the lonely geologist, Dick Cutler. And Marilyn Harvey plays the craven socialite, Margaret Chaffee, who'se job it is to shriek like a little girl & run whenever Space Gal pops in. Speaking of Space Gal, in addition to being very blurry and silvery, her slightest touch is able to instantly kill snakes, dogs, and, ultimately, idiot kidnappers. She's "made of radium", and gives off gamma rays, or some such nonsense, but wears a skin-tight silver space suit. But the moovie is so astoundingly cheap and poor, its hard to find even the tiniest ray of hope. The MooCow says that if yer looking for a cheesy howler to share with your friends, "Astounding She-Monster" is a stinker for the record books. :=8P
Dead Girls (1990)
Beware Talentless Amateurs With Camcorders... :=8P
Heh heh heh. Good news my fellow stinky moovie fans. You, yes, you too can make a cheeeeeeap, easy horror film of yer very, very own! Dew yew have your own camcorder? Got a few jiggly female friends?? Got at least 2 brain cells to rub together??? Cowgradulations!! You too can make a lame, dull, infantile stinker just like Dennis Devine("Things", "Amazon Warrior", "Vampires of Sorority Row")! "Dead Girls", indeed! Starring a bunch of nameless, faceless, brainless jiggly bimbos, this straight-to-video piffle is definitely dead on arrival. The jigglers try to pass themselves off as a death rock band by wearing dark, revealing clothing, big hair, & lots of make-up. Someone finds their mindless droning offensive & decides to kill them off one at a time in a cabin someplace cheap to film. But it's moore of a Whocares than a Whodunnit, because the characters are all thinner than Celine Dion's wrist. They are tacky, unattractive, gum-chomping bimbos that you wouldn't bother peeing on if they went up in flames before you. Poverty level production values, rank amateur acting, non-existant direction, and a wretched soundtrack are all waiting for you in "Dead Girls". This is the sort of feeble flick that makes an ultra-cheapie like "Cannibal Hookers" look professional. Needless to say, the MooCow does not recommend that you spend dime one on this disaster. In fact, if you were to pick it up off the shelf merely to glance at it, you've wasted moore time, energy, and thought than this flick deserves. But that's why the MooCow is here, folks: watching wretched, stinky films so you don't have to. Give this one a wide berth in the horror isle. :=8P
A Bloated, Barbaric Sequel... :=8P
Wretched, excremental ABSM(Abominable Snowman)piffle from Charles B. Pierce, the man who brought us the original "Legend of Boggy Creek". At least the original, though cheap and choppy, had a great pseudo-documentary feel to it, sort of like "Blair Witch". This shameful sequel has "straight-to-video" written all over it. Pierce himself plays the lead, an anthropology professor from Arkansas, who shows up in the swamps around Texarkana with a heroin-thin geek(Pierce's son), 2 brainless bimbos, and lots of gadgets. For a little while there, Pierce had some slight success with a string of minor drive-in hits, including "Legend of Boggy Creek", "The Town that Dreaded Sundown", and "Sacred Ground". In fact, the rest of the actors are all veterans of Pierce's udder flicks, but none of them were quite as bad this before! And the monsters...incredibly stupid-looking suits evoke moore sighs than laughs because they are far moore pathetic than funny. One of the reasons the original film worked is because you don't see the creature very well or very long. Unfortunate long shots of the hairy guys show just how crude, fake, and stupid they really are. Many mooments of hilarity in this one - one of the MooCow's favorite shows our favorite hairy manbeast acting like Bruce the Shark from "Jaws", as he kills a stock footage deer, and then forces fake blood out of it's obviously fake mouth. And the mad dog scene is just too stupid for this cow to put into words. The MooCow's favorite line, from dumb bimbo #2: "I don't like it here; what if that's a madgoat??". Stilted, poorly shot flashbacks only serve to add moore pain to the viewer. It moost be said that Jimmy Clem's obnoxiously fat, hairy redneck swamp hick is the best part of the moovie, which is a real shame because he is simply vile. And the Big Hairy Guy? Well, when not out ripping the heads off critters in the river, he's usually throttling the bejesus out of some local hayseed, or forcing them to step into outhouse doo-doo(which, metaphorically, is what Pierce is making us do here...). For those who care, this Big Hairy Guy is nothing like the elusive, enigmatic shadow in "Legend of Boggy Creek", and that's a shame. The baby bigfoot here is nothing moore than a obvious, gag-inducing plot device. The MooCow can think of a thousand moore interesting/funny flicks to waste yer time on that this feeble folly, but if you simply MUST watch such rank failure, at least do yerself the favor of checking out the MST3K version. Udderwise, the horrible stench of this brainless, boggy breakdown won't come off yer carpets for weeks. :=8P
The Screaming Skull (1958)
Silly Plastic Skulls Attack!! :=8o
"The Screaming Skull" is an absurd little sudser about guy who tries to frighten his new, "highly impressionable" wife to death with a few plastic skulls. The skulls hide in her closet, come rap-tap-tapping at her chamber door at night, and come rolling at her feet(well, actually sort of tossed into the camera by someone off-stage). The producers of this feeble flick(AIP, who else?) actually had the gall to provide "death insurance" for anyone who dies of fright while viewing the film. Not much worry there. Poor production values, scene-chewing over-acting, and an obvious premise sink any possible hope of even the tiniest inkling of suspense, let alone terror. None of the cast ever rose above B-level film, although John Hudson, who plays the duplicitous husband Eric, did play a role in the classic western "Gunfight at the O.K. Corral". Director Alex Nicol, who also plays Mickey the Gardener with all the subtly of a ball peen hammer, worked on a bunch of stinky films in the 50's, 60's, & 70's(including "APE", "Bloody Mama", and "Tomahawk"), also directed such tv classics as "Daniel Boone" and "The Wild, Wild West". But this film is as lame as a 3-legged Holstein. It is mildly fun to watch the plastic skulls evoke such improbable terror from the cast, especially when they bounce around like little plastic toys(which they were!!), or seeing them float about, ocassionally emitting the odd half-hearted shriek or two. Such mooments are fleeting, cowever, as most of the film is choaked by so much melodramatic piffle. The MooCow says "The Screaming Skull" is a classic stinker that takes several viewings to truly appreciate the depths of its stinkiness. The MST3K version is a whole lot of fun, though, and is the preferred version for the non-professional schlock-viewer out there who may not be insured against untimely death brought on by the sheer brutal terror of "The Screaming Skull". ;=8)
House on Haunted Hill (1959)
Plastic Skeletons and Things That Go Boo!! :=8o
Stinky, campy classic from William Castle, gimmick/producer of such schlock classics as "The Tingler", "13 Ghosts", and "Bug!" Not as stinky as udder flicks in the vein, the original "House" does make use of some pretty feeble special effects,and some tawdry over-acting. Moore of a who-dunnit than a true horror moovie (all the fake effects were actually meant to be fake), the film does nonetheless showcase the wonderful creepy acting talents of Vincent Price. Severed heads, murder by acid, dancing skeletons, and suicide by hanging are all on the evening's agenda when eccentric millionaire Frederick Loren(Price) invites 5 udder people to spend the night in his haunted mansion. All they have to to is survive to the next morning to cowlect $10,000, but everyone seems to have a hidden agenda, and then the plot become confuddled and cowfusing. Part of the problem of the film is that only about 1/2 the characters are really used to do anything; the rest seem moore like incidental fodder. And no one does anything that normal, intelligent folk would do in the same circumstances - like stay together, keep the lights on, keep your hand revolver ready, etc. Still, as a showpiece for Price, such incowsistancies are forgivable. With the right attitude, the original "House on Haunted Hill" can even be enjoyable, say, as part of a campy moovie festival on Halloween night. This is the flick that made use of Castle's "Emergo" effect - which was to have the moovie theater drag a dummy ghost over the audience, while the actors on screen react to it as if it were on the film. I suppose in the 50's, this moost have been horribly frightening, but I'm sure modern audiences would simply howl with laughter, much as the MooCow did. Not scary enough to be a classic, not stinky enough to be true cow flop, the MooCow says this "House" is worth checking out at the right time & with the right audience. And if a fake dummy ghost flies over your head while you watch it...well, don't say you weren't warned by the MooCow. ;=8)
The Door with Seven Locks (1940)
Don't Lock Up the Cows for This One... ;=8)
"The Door with 7 Locks", aka "The Chamber of Horrors", is a mildly entertaining, quaint little English mystery from the early 40's. An eccentric old coot passes away, leaving his deformed son as heir to an estate, but locks up the family jewels in his tomb, cowplete with a door with 7 locks. Various family members/servants/gawkers try to embezzle the loot and get away with murder. Lovely snugglebunny Lilli Palmer, fresh from Canada, comes to make her claim on the loot, along with buddy Romilly Lunge from Scotland Yard. The evil Dr. Manetta, his pet monkey, and his mute Spanish servant almoost rule the day! Manetta has ancestors from the Spanish Inquisition(Nooooobody expects...), and he cowlects grisly little torture devices and poisoned chalices. This is a fun little flick, despite the cliches - Manetta dresses like Fu Manchu on downers, the plot twists are obvious, and the characters seldom rise above 2 dimentional. Still, the film is brisk, the cinematography excellent, and the setting and mood are cowvincing enough to forgive these udder oversights. Snuggly Lilli Palmer only worked in 6 decades-worth of moovie making, had her own tv show in the 50's, twice, and even married Rex Harrison. The MooCow says this dusty old flick deserves moore attention; find it and rent it soon! ;=8)
Wobbling Shrubs from Hell!!! :=8o
Ick, what a dreary little slug of a film "Navy VS the Night Monsters" is. :=8P Even for 87 minutes, its over-long, boring, and about as fascinating as watching cardboard boxes mate. Mamie Van Doren("Sex Kittens Go to College", Naked Youth", "High School Confidential!"), and her two best talents, star in this wretched waste of celluloid about a bunch of stumps that terrorize a group of dull servicemen on some island somewhere. The stumps look pathetic; even the Tabonga from "From Hell It Came" seemed moore realistic. Mamie is surrounded by a bunch of no-name grade-z actors, including Anthony Eisley("The Monster", "Dracula VS Frankenstein", "The Doll Squad") and Bill Grey("Werewolves on Wheels", "The Day the Earth Stood Still", "Father Knows Best" tv series). The cheesy incidental moosic, the gaudy mid-60's color saturation, and the obvious fake sets all cowtribute to a film which is truly a punishing ordeal. Pretty bad all around, and not very fun to sit through. The MooCow says stick this stinker in the composte heap where it belongs. :=8P
Night Tide (1961)
Dennis Hopper Makes a "Splash"... ;=8)
Odd, cowpelling little film, very mooch in the vein of moovies like "Carnival of Souls", about a lonely, fresh-faced sailor(Dennis Hopper) who falls madly in love with a mysterious, siren-like woman(Linda Lawson) who may be a mermaid - and a monster. Pre-psycho Hopper("Blue Velvet", "Easy Rider", "Apocalypse Now")actually plays a straight, all-American nice guy (for a change!), who happens to fall for the wrong beautiful girl. Lawson("Lets Kill Uncle", "Apache Rifles") makes for one sexy sea nymph, although she does dance like Elaine Bettis with rickets. Rounding out the cast nicely is the always-snuggly Luana Anders("Dementia 13", "Reform School Girls('57)", "Easy Rider") as the sweetie next-door who has the hots for Hopper's peach-faced sailor. Shot on a low budget, to be sure, but capably acted & directed, with a pretty neat story. Editing problems abound, and the climax is a little hokey, but the MooCow says this is one forgotten flick that should be dug up from the rubbish pile of stinky 60's monster flicks. "Night Tide" was written and directed by Curtis Harrington, whose stinky directing resume includes such bombs as "Killer Bees", "Voyage to the Pre-Historic Planet", and "Devil Dog: Hound of Hell", as well as stinky 80's tv series "Dynasty" and "The Colbys". "Night Tide" is one of those few moovies that you actually want to thank American International Pictures for making, since they would have been the ONLY production company to touch a film like this. The MooCow says dive right into "Night Tide" - the water is fine!! ;=8)
The Snow Creature (1954)
Shambling Shag Rug Attacks!! :=8O
Silly, preposterous cheapie from Billy Wilder's incowpetant kid brother, W. Lee Wilder("Killers from Space", "Phantom from Space", "Manfish"). A churlish failed botanist & a drunk photographer lead a group of Japanese actors trying to pass as Tibetans into some poorly designed fake Himalayan sets; a tall shaggy fellow steals one of the "Sherpas" wives, and a merry chase ensues with the "legendary Yeti" to retrieve the wife & bring the Big Hairy Guy back to the States. Once in Los Angeles a debate brews over wether the walking rug is a human monster or mutant DuPont Stainmaster, and therefore cargo. The carpet then escapes, haunts the sewers of L.A., and is given the Final Treatment by the cops. Slow, stodgy, and dumb as a box of Himalayan rocks, this early ABSM(Abominable Snowman)stinker features the single worst snowman costume ever - it's obviously a huge shaggy rug, with a square hole cut out of the face so the "actor" stuffed inside can see/breathe. The poor unfortunate inside can barely moove around, and we even get to see him/her slip on the icy rocks that are supposed to pass for the Himalayans. Wilder's threadbare technique of using the same shots and scenes over and over again to shave moolah off the the film's production costs serve as further hilarity - one shot, of the "snowman" stepping out of the shadows, is shown and reversed over and over and over, some 20 or 30 times. Like a brief glimpse into future Coleman Francis moovies, actors spend much of the non-Himalayan time smoking and/or drinking coffee. You will remember Paul Langton, who plays Botanist Frank Parrish, from such stinkers as "IT:The Terror from Beyond Space", "The Cosmic Man", and "Invisible Invaders", although he may best be remembered for 1957's "The Incredible Shrinking Man", which was actually a pretty good flick. Lock Martin("Invaders from Mars", "The Day the Earth Stood Still", "The Incredible Shrinking Man") reportedly was the poor soul stuffed inside the shaggy rug, a very tall actor known as 50's tv host "The Gentle Giant" and for playing Gort, the robot in "The Day the Earth Stood Still" - kind of a Richard Kiel of the 50's. As for "Snow Creature", well its typical W. Lee Wilder, and that means slow, cheap, and dumb. The MooCow suggests viewing the W. Lee Wilder trilogy ("Snow Beast", "Killers from Space", "Phantom from Space")with yer stinky moovie buddies, and let the silliness ensue. ;=8)
The MooCow That Challenged the World!!! :
Ahh, another classic monster moovie that played every Saturday on Dr. Shock, Creature Feature, and every udder monster moovie show in the 70's and 80's(where have they all gone??), only now to be replaced by re-runs of "Xena: Warrior Princess". This is the type of little film that gets forgotten; oh, you might get lucky and find it on AMC, or perhaps a Turner station, but fact is "The Monster That Challenged the World" is not good enough to be a real classic, in the vein of, say, "It Came from Beneath the Sea", but is also not nearly schlocky enough to acquire fans from the stinky moovie genre. Actually, "TMTCTW" is a pretty good little moovie, with solid performances, very good production values, and some pretty good monster fx. It is a tad slow at times, especially when the film is padded out with endless dining scenes. Basically, an earthquake releases a group of radioactive eggs, cowtaining huge, slimey bugs. The bugs start munching on the local population, including a few sailors, sending workaholic Naval Intelligence Commander Twilinger into a tizzy. The cast is cowposed mainly of B-moovie vets, including Tim Holt("My Darling Clementine") as Twilinger, Audrey Daulton("Kitten with a Whip") as the snuggly Gail, Hans Conried(many, many voice-overs, including "The Rocky & Bullwinkle Show")as Dr. Rogers, and Max Showalter("The Naked and the Dead")as Dr. Tad. Director Arnold Laven is better known for directing tons of tv shows in the 50's, 60's, 70's, and 80's, including "The Rifleman", "Mannix","The Six Million Dollar Man", and "Hill Street Blues". "TMTCTW" was a rare feature film for Laven, and he does a capable job, although pacing is problematic throughout. The MooCow was pretty scared of the giant bug/slugs when he was just a calf, especially of the grotesque and disgusting stock footage of slugs and snails devouring everything they get their slimey pseudopods on. The MooCow says check this flick just to relive those glory days of monster cinema - just watch that escargot! :=8)
Curse of Bigfoot (1975)
The Curse of No-Talent.... :=8P
Dull, hopeless mishmash of a moovie, cowbining pseudo-documentary, stock footage, and fake teenage archaeologists, resulting in a low, throbbing headache of a film. When the MooCow was just a calf in the sickening 70's, this film played practically every Saturday on the Creature Double Features of years past. That makes it good for nostalgia, but wretchedly poor for entertainment. The moovie stars and was produced by no one who ever worked in the industry again, thankfully. Even for such an obvious amateur production, the shocking lack of talent around this clumsy little project constitutes a gaping hole the size of Jupiter. Ham-handedly shot, poorly edited, horribly acted, this feeble flick offers almoost nothing of value, even for the schlock-moovie fan. There are some pretty cheap, laughable "special effects", including a "monster suit" that's the worst bigfoot wanna-be the MooCow has seen since "Snowbeast". Basically, the story boils down to 3 boring seperate entities, all vying woefully for our attention, in the vain hopes that something even remotely dramatic might take place. Part one is a scene in a typical 70's high school(where they teach courses on monsters in mythology??), where a group of pasty-faced, greasy-haired teens are treated to stern, melodramatic lecture on "real monsters" by a little bald dork with glasses. Part two is a horrendous cowbination of fake-documentory on Bigfoot(a la "The Legend of Boggy Creek"), and some of the moost boring stock footage of the logging industry you're ever likely to witness. The final part shows a group of teenage archaeologists, and their dopey teachers, who "excavate" a mummified (Indian?? Bigfoot?? Film Producer??) thingy, who runs amuck & kills the local deputy dawg. The quick-thinking teens(who all apparently end up catatonic, or worse, according to the dork at the beginning) douse the hairy whatsit with gasoline & set it on fire. Every possible chance for even a minutia of tension in "Curse of Bigfoot" is gleefully wasted by the director. But then, you may be into this sort of thing. If not fascinated by the dreary stock footage, or tickled by the laughable, low budget monster masks, you may be delighted at the hollow, grade school-level performances by the wanna-be actors. But the MooCow is here to tell you that udder moovies in the schlock vein are far moore interesting and fun. Watching "Curse of Bigfoot", on the udder hoof, is like watching 84 minutes of film strips on root canals - if your really into that sort of thing, you may be impressed, but you ought to seek professional help, and soon! The MooCow says, if pure, abject failure is what you're after, look no farther than "Curse of Bigfoot". Now, let me tell you all the story of the curse of Large Hoof... ;=8)