Selina Meyer: There is no place for Jonah Ryan in my administration. Or anywhere in the universe where the building blocks of life are present.
Selina Meyer: You and your gay pals can make me the Grand Marshal of the next parade that you have that messes up all the traffic.
Marjorie Palmiotti: Actually, ma'am, it's a myth that lesbians and gay men have any natural affinity. Gertrude Stein was physically disgusted by male homosexuals.
Gary Walsh: Excuse me?
Selina Meyer: How'd she feel about tedious lesbians?
Marjorie Palmiotti: Big fan, ma'am.
Ben Cafferty: Your offer is as appealing as a Sriracha enema. So fuck your offer, and fuck you. It's always good to see ya.
Amy Brookheimer: You too. I miss you guys.
Ben Cafferty: There's a simple solution for this, OK? Just ask Kemi to be your veep.
Selina Meyer: I cannot stand her! And I don't say that about a lot of people.
[Gary doesn't really agree with this statement]
Selina Meyer: Plus, she called me a criminal last night.
Ben Cafferty: Kent and I were up all night doing the numbers...
Selina Meyer: In the words of the great Eleanor Roosevelt, I would rather cheese-grater my clit.
Ben Cafferty: So we'll put a pin in that.
Selina Meyer: That too.
Selina Meyer: Pretend to talk to me about numbers.
Kent Davison: The most compelling number to me is not a number at all, it's a concept.
Selina Meyer: I said pretend, OK?
Kent Davison: I was pretending. My favorite number is Euler's number.
Buddy Calhoun: [about the transgender bathrooms] God created men's rooms and women's rooms, not everyone rooms. I don't want to go into a bathroom and be next to a woman who is looking at my genitals. I want that person that I'm next to to be a man, or, better yet, lots of men.
Selina Meyer: Glory, glory, hole-ellelujah.
Jonah Ryan: This is a horrific country that is falling apart because it is full of people who are different than me.
Jeff Kane: Jonie, my boy! We did it! Ever since you were little, I've been telling your mom, "Someday that beautiful, brilliant boy of yours is gonna do great things!"
Jonah Ryan: I thought you told my mom to sell me to a child molester and use the money to get her tubes tied.
Jeff Kane: Eh, we're family. Come here, you!
[He hugs him]
Jeff Kane: You know, the Jews have a word for this feeling I'm having right now. I can't remember it... sounds like three Germans cumming real hard inside something that doesn't want them to.
Jeff Kane: Get me Vermont. I think I can sweet-talk them.
[On the phone]
Jeff Kane: Yeah, Jeff Kane. Who am I speaking with? Ah. How's your dad? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. OK, shut the fuck up! Listen, you Subaru-driving bull dykes! You better back Jonah on the next ballot or you will be leaf-peeping from inside your own maple syrup-soaked assholes!
Jeff Kane: I'll give 'em five minutes, then I'll hit 'em with Bad Cop.
Selina Meyer: I have been to Buffalo six times, and I'm not even a serial killer.
Selina Meyer: Listen, Ben, you gotta go back to Texas right now, OK? And just tell 'em they can violate me with their assault rifles and a full slab of ribs on top of a stack of slavery-free history textbooks.
Mike McLintock: Oh, yes! Politico's reporting that Jonah's talking to you about the Secretary of Commerce.
Jeff Kane: I wish. Sounds much better than the conversation we were having about why his urine is pink. We ruled out beets because he doesn't know what those are. Then had to rule it right back in for the same reason.
Amy Brookheimer: [to Jonah] She is offering you vice president, you monument to vaginal dryness.
Catherine Meyer: Tell me that you did not just trade away same-sex marriage...
Selina Meyer: [to Gary] Can you believe I'm having to deal with this right now?
Catherine Meyer: ...to get Buddy Calhoun's endorsement!
Selina Meyer: It is just the party platform. It's like a to-do list of things we're not gonna do. "Restore faith in democracy"? We couldn't do that even if we wanted to.
Amy Brookheimer: Sue, the Vice President would like a minute with the President.
Sue Wilson: The President told me to pencil you in to half-past. Go fuck yourself.
Jonah Ryan: Sue, when I am President...
Sue Wilson: You won't be.
Jonah Ryan: If you want to work for me...
Sue Wilson: I don't.
Jonah Ryan: Then I would start treating me with the respect that I deserve.
Sue Wilson: I am.