Chunks: Making a movie, right?
Chunks: You're Kane Hodder. The horror king. I was at the convention, you weren't at your table. Figured you must be making a movie here. Are they filming you know? Us... now?
Kane: Yeah, and you're fucking up the shot, Nurse Ratchet.
Kane: Damn it, Agness. Is he dead?
Agness: Shit no. All he is, is wet. Missed and he's pissed himself.
Randy: That's Agness? Dude. That chick would boil your rabbit.
Agness: Aww, don't get your panties in a wad. How in the hell can ya'll be scary, scary people in your movies and you're just pussies in person.
Randy: You have, ah, tattoos. I like tattoos.
Dee Dee: Well, I have three, Randy. Got one here... and one here.
Don: Where's lucky number three?
Dee Dee: Well Don, if you saw that one, I'd have to kill you.
Mountain Man: Look out there, Freddie. Freddie!
Soggy Christian: It's Teddy. Freddie was the first one. I'm... number two.
Mountain Man: I'm talking to the dog... Teddy.
Kid: [to R.A] Which one are you?
Kane: That's R.A. Mihailoff. He's the shit. The real deal. He can't talk because his mother burned his tongue out with a curling iron when he was... Wait, how old are you?
Kid: Eleven. I like the fourth quiltface better. The fourth quiltface was cool.
Kane: The fourth quiltface was CGI.
R.A.: I was eleven.
Kid: If your mother burned your tongue out when you were eleven, how come you can talk now?
R.A.: You're eleven now. How come you can talk?
Kid: Because I'm alive, you moron.
R.A.: I can fix that.
[brings out a circular saw]
R.A.: You weren't in number three. Richard was number three.
Kane: I know that. But he'd do the same for me. May God rest his soul.
Don: You gonna talk over him?
Kane: We didn't bury him.
Don: Well, it looked like you were gonna say something. So either say it or cover him the fuck up.
Trixie: Poor R.A.
Don: Why are we wasting our time with Thelma? There's a great RV just down the road.
Randy: What the hell are you talking about?
Don: Well... the old fucker's dead. He died of a heart attack or AIDS or some damn thing. And I had to shoot mini Cujo. So let's take his RV.
Kane: So because he's dead, we can just take his RV?
Don: He sure as fuck isn't gonna use it.
Soggy Christian: Hey, where's Malcolm?
Randy: Found a boat, his hat, spare tire but no Malcolm.
Trixie: The hell did you get us into anyway, Kane?
Kane: Got you into a thousand bucks, that's what.
Trixie: Got us into a cluster fuck.
Kane: Take needle dick here down to the old fucker's RV and bring it up here. At least all of us can sleep inside tonight.
Don: Come on, bounce-boy.
Randy: You old fuckers are funny.
Kane: Today is Friday the thirteenth. We are the biggest stars in the biggest horror films in the history of horror films, and we can't give our pictures away! It's a shit day, R.A.! If Friday the 13th is shit then Saturday the 14th will be even shittier! Wake up and small the AARP card!
Kane: It was you, you crazy bitch. You killed 'em all.
Dee Dee: Don's dead. Just like all the rest of 'em. Isn't that all you horror guys want? Everyone just die?
Kane: We're actors, you stupid bitch. It's fuckin' movies.
Dee Dee: Go ahead. Pull the trigger. You're covered in gasoline you idiot. You'll lite yourself on fire. Again. Wouldn't that be fun... Kane.
Kane: That's not how it happened.
Dee Dee: You'll never do it. The hero never shoots the girl.
Kane: I've never been the hero.
[shoots Dee Dee]
R.A.: We call top bunk.
Kane: Nobody calls top bunk.
Soggy Christian: Who died and made you Thelma's king?
Kane: She's my motorhome. I am the king of Thelma.
Soggy Christian: Thelma is a Mini Winnie. And a Mini Winnie does not make a motorhome!