Ted 2 (2015) Poster


Amanda Seyfried: Samantha



  • Ted : What's your middle name?

    Samantha Jackson : Leslie.

    Ted : Oh, my God! You're Sam L. Jackson!

    John : That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson.

    Samantha Jackson : Who is that?

    Ted : You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.

  • Ted : Oh my God, John, did you see that? She was totally giving you the "fuck me" eyes.

    John : No, she wasn't.

    Ted : She was giving you the "fuck me" eyes.

    Samantha Jackson : What are the "fuck me" eyes?

    Ted : Yeah, it's just some women just have "fuck me" eyes.

    Samantha Jackson : Do I have "fuck me" eyes?

    Ted : No, you have "Give me the ring, my precious" eyes.

  • Samantha Jackson : Alright, I've got 'Dred Scott v. Sandford', 'Plessy v. Ferguson', and 'Brown v. The Board of Education'.

    John : I got 'Kramer vs. Kramer', 'Alien vs. Predator', and 'Freddy vs. Jason'.

    Ted : I got, uh, 'Earnest Goes to Camp', 'Earnest Goes to Jail', and 'The Importance of Being Earnest' which was very disappointing.

  • Samantha Jackson : Hi, have any of you guys seen a talking teddy bear, he...

    Comic-Con Fan : [interrupts]  Shh! They're about to announce the new Superman.

    Film Executive : The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!

    John : Fuck!

  • [from trailer] 

    Samantha Jackson : All right, I'm going to ask you these test questions. Are you ready?

    Ted : Yup, bring it on.

    Samantha Jackson : Do you consider yourself to be human?

    Ted : Objection!

    John : Sustained!

    Samantha Jackson : You know, the witness can't object.

    John : Overruled.

    Ted : Sidebar.

    John : Guilty!

    Ted : Speculation.

    John : Hearsay!

    Ted : Bailiff.

    John : Briefcase.

    Ted : Disregard.

    John : In my chambers.

    Ted : Stop beavering the witness.

    John : I rest.

    Ted : We could totally be lawyers.

  • Judge : Ms. Jackson please control your client or I will hold you both in contempt of court.

    Ted : Oh, piss off! All right? I'm standing up for me, and I'm standing up for the homos! We deserve respect!

    Samantha Jackson : Ted, shut up!

    Ted : Fine!

    [Ted begins to play Angry birds on his iPhone] 

  • Samantha Jackson : Ted, do you love your wife?

    Shep Wild : Objection. She's not his wife. The marriage was annulled.

    Samantha Jackson : I'll rephrase. Do you love Tami-Lynn?

    Ted : I love my *wife*. Okay, my wife. More than anything in the world. We're married, I don't care what anybody says.

  • Samantha Jackson : Can either of you tell me who wrote the Great Gatsby?

    John : Judy Bloome?

    Ted : Hitler?

    Samantha Jackson : F. Scott Fitzgerald.

    John : Who's that?

    Samantha Jackson : The author.

    John : Well, why are you saying "fuck him"?

    Samantha Jackson : [Sam is confused]  What?

    Ted : You just said Eff Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?

    John : Yeah.

    Samantha Jackson : No, that's his first name.

    Ted : His name's Fuck Scott Fitzgerald?

    Samantha Jackson : What? No!

    John : Well, what does the F stand for?

    Samantha Jackson : Francis.

    Ted : No, it's got to be Fuck. It's got to be Fuck.

    John : It must be Fuck. It has to be Fuck.

    Samantha Jackson : Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?

    John : Well, 'cuz otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?

    Ted : Yeah, he's hiding something. It's Fuck. It's Fuck. It's Fuck.

    John : It's Fuck. It's Fuck.

    Samantha Jackson : That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.

    Ted : Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubberlang, get used to it.

  • Ted : That weed is really good. It reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called "Here Comes Autism."

    John : Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of like this other batch we had called..."How Long Has That Van Been There?"

    Samantha Jackson : No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called "Help Me Get Home."

  • Samantha Jackson : [Unrated version]  I love New York.

    John : Yeah, there's no bullshit with these people.

    Ted : Yeah, you always know who you're dealing with in New York.

    [Out the car window, to a group] 

    Ted : Hello, Jews!

    [the groups says hello back] 

  • Samantha Jackson : [Alternate scene]  Can either of you tell me what happened in World War I?

    John : Yeah. I mean, the whole world was fighting.

    Ted : It's a lot of anger. A lot of anger.

    Samantha Jackson : Any specifics?

    John : A lot of people died.

    Ted : Too many, if you ask me.

    Samantha Jackson : Where did it take place?

    John : All over the world.

    Ted : Thus, World War I.

    John : And that was the first one.

    Ted : Of many.

    Samantha Jackson : You guys need to get fucking educated!

  • [Samantha smokes weed on a penis-shaped bong] 

    John : Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip.

    Ted : Yeah, Sam. This, this puts us in a kind of awkward position here. I mean, we wanna get high too.

    John : I don't have any papers or nothing.

    Samantha Jackson : Is this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party.


    Samantha Jackson : It's so stupid. Here, try it.

    John : Uh, no.

    Samantha Jackson : Why?

    John : I don't wanna put a big glass cock in my mouth.

    Samantha Jackson : Oh, you think this is big?

    Ted : [laughing]  Johnny, you walked right into that one, pal.

  • Ted : Right. You see the thing is, we don't wanna take any chances, because the stakes are so significant.

    John : We can't rush into anything. We got to make sure we're making the right decision.

    Ted : We really appreciate your time, but what we're probably gonna do is...

    [Samantha takes a hit from bong] 

    Ted : just take a seat and get to work.

    John : Trust you completely.

    Ted : We really feel you got a lot to offer.

    Samantha Jackson : Sorry you don't mind the pot,do you? I get migraines.

    John : Oh absolutely. Me too.

    Ted : That's fine. I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minuets.

  • [Ted and John roam around the forest to pick up firewood when John notices a marijuana leaf] 

    John : What the hell?

    [John sniffs the leaf] 

    John : Holy shit! Hey, Ted! You know what this is? It's Super Lemon Haze.

    [Ted turns around and is amazed by what he sees while he walks towards John] 

    John : It's a really rare strain. It's a cross between Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze. It's totally potent. I mean, I've only had it once in my life and it was one of the best highs I ever had. What the hell is a leaf of that stuff doing outin the middle of a...

    [Ted grabs John's head and has him look to the right. John gets up and is astonished by the sight of marijuana crops in front of him] 

    John : Dear God! Dear God in heaven!

    Ted : So beautiful!


    Ted : It's so beautiful!

    Samantha Jackson : No words. No words. They should've sent a poet.

    Ted : They're moving in herds. They do move in herds.

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

Recently Viewed