Ted 2 (2015)
Amanda Seyfried: Samantha
Ted : Oh my God, John, did you see that? She was totally giving you the "fuck me" eyes.
John : No, she wasn't.
Ted : She was giving you the "fuck me" eyes.
Samantha Jackson : What are the "fuck me" eyes?
Ted : Yeah, it's just some women just have "fuck me" eyes.
Samantha Jackson : Do I have "fuck me" eyes?
Ted : No, you have "Give me the ring, my precious" eyes.
Samantha Jackson : Alright, I've got 'Dred Scott v. Sandford', 'Plessy v. Ferguson', and 'Brown v. The Board of Education'.
John : I got 'Kramer vs. Kramer', 'Alien vs. Predator', and 'Freddy vs. Jason'.
Ted : I got, uh, 'Earnest Goes to Camp', 'Earnest Goes to Jail', and 'The Importance of Being Earnest' which was very disappointing.
Samantha Jackson : All right, I'm going to ask you these test questions. Are you ready?
Ted : Yup, bring it on.
Samantha Jackson : Do you consider yourself to be human?
Ted : Objection!
John : Sustained!
Samantha Jackson : You know, the witness can't object.
John : Overruled.
Ted : Sidebar.
John : Guilty!
Ted : Speculation.
John : Hearsay!
Ted : Bailiff.
John : Briefcase.
Ted : Disregard.
John : In my chambers.
Ted : Stop beavering the witness.
John : I rest.
Ted : We could totally be lawyers.
Samantha Jackson : Can either of you tell me who wrote the Great Gatsby?
John : Judy Bloome?
Ted : Hitler?
Samantha Jackson : F. Scott Fitzgerald.
John : Who's that?
Samantha Jackson : The author.
John : Well, why are you saying "fuck him"?
Samantha Jackson : [Sam is confused] What?
Ted : You just said Eff Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
John : Yeah.
Samantha Jackson : No, that's his first name.
Ted : His name's Fuck Scott Fitzgerald?
Samantha Jackson : What? No!
John : Well, what does the F stand for?
Samantha Jackson : Francis.
Ted : No, it's got to be Fuck. It's got to be Fuck.
John : It must be Fuck. It has to be Fuck.
Samantha Jackson : Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?
John : Well, 'cuz otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?
Ted : Yeah, he's hiding something. It's Fuck. It's Fuck. It's Fuck.
John : It's Fuck. It's Fuck.
Samantha Jackson : That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.
Ted : Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubberlang, get used to it.
Ted : That weed is really good. It reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called "Here Comes Autism."
John : Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of like this other batch we had called..."How Long Has That Van Been There?"
Samantha Jackson : No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called "Help Me Get Home."
Samantha Jackson : [Alternate scene] Can either of you tell me what happened in World War I?
John : Yeah. I mean, the whole world was fighting.
Ted : It's a lot of anger. A lot of anger.
Samantha Jackson : Any specifics?
John : A lot of people died.
Ted : Too many, if you ask me.
Samantha Jackson : Where did it take place?
John : All over the world.
Ted : Thus, World War I.
John : And that was the first one.
Ted : Of many.
Samantha Jackson : You guys need to get fucking educated!
[Samantha smokes weed on a penis-shaped bong]
John : Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip.
Ted : Yeah, Sam. This, this puts us in a kind of awkward position here. I mean, we wanna get high too.
John : I don't have any papers or nothing.
Samantha Jackson : Is this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party.
Samantha Jackson : It's so stupid. Here, try it.
John : Uh, no.
Samantha Jackson : Why?
John : I don't wanna put a big glass cock in my mouth.
Samantha Jackson : Oh, you think this is big?
Ted : [laughing] Johnny, you walked right into that one, pal.
Ted : Right. You see the thing is, we don't wanna take any chances, because the stakes are so significant.
John : We can't rush into anything. We got to make sure we're making the right decision.
Ted : We really appreciate your time, but what we're probably gonna do is...
[Samantha takes a hit from bong]
Ted : just take a seat and get to work.
John : Trust you completely.
Ted : We really feel you got a lot to offer.
Samantha Jackson : Sorry you don't mind the pot,do you? I get migraines.
John : Oh absolutely. Me too.
Ted : That's fine. I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minuets.
[Ted and John roam around the forest to pick up firewood when John notices a marijuana leaf]
John : What the hell?
[John sniffs the leaf]
John : Holy shit! Hey, Ted! You know what this is? It's Super Lemon Haze.
[Ted turns around and is amazed by what he sees while he walks towards John]
John : It's a really rare strain. It's a cross between Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze. It's totally potent. I mean, I've only had it once in my life and it was one of the best highs I ever had. What the hell is a leaf of that stuff doing outin the middle of a...
[Ted grabs John's head and has him look to the right. John gets up and is astonished by the sight of marijuana crops in front of him]
John : Dear God! Dear God in heaven!
Ted : So beautiful!
Ted : It's so beautiful!
Samantha Jackson : No words. No words. They should've sent a poet.
Ted : They're moving in herds. They do move in herds.