So yeah, a thanksgiving movie about two turkeys going back in time to keep turkeys from being eaten at the first thanksgiving. Setting aside the fact that they probably weren't the main course if they were eaten at all, nobody should have expected this to be anything but a stupid kids' movie. But, I at least expected it to be that, a stupid kids' movie. Calling this movie a stupid kids' movie is an insult to stupid kids' movies.
Let's start with what I'll be generous and call a story. Owen Wilson is a turkey. E-I-E-I-O. I'll be kind and have that be the only time I make that joke. Owen Wilson turkey is the turkey chosen for the presidential pardon, despite the fact that he doesn't fulfill a single one of the qualifications, and lives a cushy life with TV and all the product placement Chuck-e-cheese pizza he can eat. Then, a buff turkey named Jake shows up and tells him that he's on a quest from the "Great Turkey" to stop thanksgiving from ever happening. And there's your problem right there, that's the dumbest thing I've ever written. And that's not even the dumbest thing to happen in the movie. From there, they break into a government lab and steal a time machine, voiced by George Takei, who turns in one of the only good performances this movie has, simply on his greatness alone, and the time machine somehow understands the turkey's voice commands. They end up three days before the first Thanksgiving at Plymouth, and they're immediately chased by an over the top villain hunter until they're saved by the local turkeys, and from there, you have three choices of plots, Dances with Wolves with turkeys, Pocahontas with turkeys, or Avatar with turkeys. Just replace the natives with turkeys or have the people be cannibals and it's pretty much the same plot. And then, the last few scenes happen.
Thesis papers could be written about everything wrong with the ending. If anybody cares about spoilers, now would be the time to stop. So, anybody over the age of 10 should be able to figure out that Owen Wilson turkey is the "Great Turkey" that Jake saw in the past, but it takes 4 of him to even get close enough to have George Takei tell him. Yes, they do the time travel movie thing where he tells himself what's going on, but that could be forgiven if it wasn't done so stupidly. Then he does the thing where he goes back in time and starts the plot, again, cliché, but forgivable. Then, the movie gave up. There's no other explanation for what happens next. You may want to be sitting down for this next part. So, the turkeys are going to attack the settlers after they burnt down their home (with flaming pumpkin catapults(I know, stay with me)). The settlers rationally respond by attacking them with cannons (though to be fair, the turkeys destroyed their guns, which, to be fair again, you'd have to be dumb to have happen). Then, just as they're about to be destroyed by cannon fire, a group of Indians show up and say "those are some angry birds". If you're dumb enough to stay in the theater after that, like I was, then you'll realize that is the high point of this last act. Owen Wilson turkey comes down in the time machine and stops all the cannonballs mid-shot and absorbs all the cannons and the evil hunter into a magnetic vortex. Then, he comes down off the time machine, and George Takei tells them all that Owen Wilson turkey is the "Great Turkey", and he gives them the gift that will stop the settlers from eating turkey. Pizza. He brings a ton of Chuck-E-Cheese pizza for them. I tried to walk out then, but my sister didn't let me. And the Turkeys, Settlers and Indians lived happily ever after. Owen Wilson turkey gets Stands-With-A-Fist/Pocahontas/Natari turkey to fall in love with him and stays with the colonial age turkeys, and Jake stays in George Takei and goes off to, I don't know, fight crime through time or something. And George Takei finishes the movie off with one of his classic "Oh My"s.
I have exactly four good things to say about this movie. One is George Takei's always great to hear, even if he is totally wasted. Two, the only real laughs that didn't come from him came from self aware people in hazmat suits at the laboratory, and they at least knew how dumb the idea of turkeys messing with a time machine was, even if everybody else in the facility didn't. Three and four are two good scenes in this. One scene is when the hunters find and subsequently destroy the turkey's nest. There is actually a good scene here, it's shot well, there's actual tension, and it belonged in a better movie. The last is when Owen Wilson turkey takes Pocahontas turkey up in the time machine and they're looking down on the earth. Pocahontas turkey starts asking questions, and a better movie could have taken this aspect further. But none of that saves this from being an overall brain dead movie with about as much respect for its audience as it does for history. I have never wanted to eat a turkey sandwich more in my life, and I can't wait for thanksgiving this year.
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