Ryan Phillippe: Piper
MacGruber : [begging for Piper to join team] Don't make me beg here, because I will do it. I am so sorry, I am so goddamn sorry! Look I'm freaking out here! I killed them! I killed them all! I'm so fucking stupid! I don't know what I'm doing and everybody hates me!
MacGruber : I will suck your dick, I will suck your fucking dick, just join my team. I'll suck your dick, you can fuck me, you can get fucked by me. You can watch me fuck something? Just point at something in the room and I'll fuck it for you! Just tell me what you want me to fuck!
Lt. Dixon Piper : Jesus Christ, MacGruber!
MacGruber : Just tell me what you want me to fuck!
Lt. Dixon Piper : Why did he do it? Why did Cunth kill your wife?
MacGruber : To this day, I have no idea. We actually all went to college together. Believe it or not, we were very close friends. Then after graduation, he got engaged to her. He asked me to be his best man and right about that time, I started banging her and mowing her box. She was actually the first person I felt comfortable enough around to let eat out my butt. Anyway, shortly thereafter, she left him for me. She was actually carrying his child at the time. I asked her to terminate it, obviously, so we could start fresh. And she agreed. We were so in love. And he took that from me.
Lt. Dixon Piper : That's really fucked up.
MacGruber : Thanks.
Lt. Dixon Piper : The Legendary MacGruber. Former Navy SEAL, Army Ranger and Green Beret. Served six tours in Desert Storm, four in Bosnia, three each in Angola, Somalia, Mozambique, Nicaragua and Sierra Leone. Recipient of sixteen Purple Hearts, three Congressional Medals of Honor, seven Presidential Medals of Bravery and starting tight end for the University of Texas, El Paso.
MacGruber : That was a long time ago.
MacGruber : Okay, so once we take out the guards, Vicki will walk in dressed as Hoss, and then we'll just, you know, see what happens. You ready?
Lt. Dixon Piper : Wait. Wait, so we're just gonna wing it?
MacGruber : Piper, there's a big difference between winging it and seeing what happens. Now let's see what happens.
MacGruber : All right, we got a nuclear warhead to... Holy shit!
[sees a mass of confusing wires inside the missile nose-cone]
Vicki St. Elmo : What's wrong, MacGruber?
MacGruber : What the fuck is this!
Lt. Dixon Piper : lt's a warhead, MacGruber. You can defuse it, right?
MacGruber : Are you kidding me? Look at all this crap. There's, like, a million wires in here. l'm more like a three-wire guy.
MacGruber : Okay, now, piece of advice. When you use the old celery trick, you're gonna wanna go with the thick end. Seems counter-intuitive, but if you go thin end first, it just slides right out and you're... You're wasting your time.
Lt. Dixon Piper : l'm never, ever gonna do that.
MacGruber : Never ever say "Never ever." Okay, follow me.
Lt. Dixon Piper : There are too many guys. l need you to take two of these guns.
MacGruber : l told you, l do not use guns.
Lt. Dixon Piper : Well, you better start, because sticking a piece of fucking celery up your ass ain't gonna hack it this time.
MacGruber : l'm not going to use a gun!
Lt. Dixon Piper : Why?
MacGruber : Because I don't know how. Okay?
Lt. Dixon Piper : I don't fucking believe it.
MacGruber : They scare me.