Jeff Garlin: Captain
AUTO : [Auto has just shown the Captain directive A-113, which is a message not to return to Earth due to rising toxicity levels making life unsustainable] Now, the plant.
Captain : No wait a minute, Computer when was the message sent out to the Axiom?
Ship's Computer : Message received in the year 2110.
Captain : That's... That's nearly 700 years ago! Auto, things have changed. We've gotta go back.
AUTO : Sir, orders are do not return to Earth.
Captain : But life is sustainable now. Look at this plant. Green and growing. It's living proof he was wrong.
AUTO : Irrelevant, Captain.
Captain : What? It's completely relevant.
[moves toward the window]
Captain : Out there is our home. *HOME*, Auto. And it's in trouble. I can't just sit here and-and-do nothing.
[moves back toward Auto]
Captain : That's all I've ever done! That's all anyone on this blasted ship has ever done. Nothing!
AUTO : On the Axiom, you will survive.
Captain : I don't want to survive. I want to live.
AUTO : Must follow my directive.
Captain : [groans in frustration, then turns around and notices that Auto is looming closer in the portraits of his predecessors. AUTO looms close behind him making him tighten his cap] I'm the captain of the Axiom. We are going home *today*.
[Auto advances toward him threateningly, causing the Captain to flinch]
Captain : We'll see who's powerless now!
Captain : 12:30? AUTO, why didn't you wake me for morning announcements? Honestly, it's the one thing I get to do on this ship.
[Resets the ship back to morning]
Captain : Well, good morning, everybody, and welcome to day 255,642 aboard the Axiom. As always, the weather is a balmy 72 degrees and sunny, and, uh... Oh, I see the ship's log is showing that today is the 700th anniversary of our five year cruise. Well, I'm sure our forefathers would be proud to know that 700 years later we'd be... doing the exact same thing they were doing. So, be sure next mealtime to ask for your free sep-tua-centennial cupcake in a cup. Wow, look at that.
Captain : Define "hoe-down".
Ship's Computer : Hoe-down: A social gathering at which lively dancing would take place.
Captain : [AUTO appears near the captain] AUTO! Earth is amazing! These are called "farms". Humans would put seeds in the ground, pour water on them, and they grow food - like, pizza!
AUTO : [shuts off information display] Good night, Captain.
Captain : Aww!
[starts to move away from workstation, but stops and turns around slightly]
Captain : Psst - Computer, define "dancing".
Ship's Computer : [WALL-E and EVE are seen outside a window in space, flying around] Dancing: A series of movements involving two partners, where speed and rhythm match harmoniously with music.
[camera cuts to outside the Axiom, and WALL-E and EVE continue to "dance"]
Captain : Wait, that doesn't look like Earth. Where's the blue sky? Where's the-the grass?
Captain : Computer, define 'dancing.'
Shelby Forthright, BnL CEO : [Shelby appears onscreen in an old classified recorded message] Hey there, autopilots. Got some bad news. Um... Operation Cleanup has, well uh, failed. Wouldn't you know, rising toxicity levels have made life unsustainable on Earth.
Captain : [to himself, looking at healthy plant] Unsustainable? What?
Shelby Forthright, BnL CEO : Darn it all, we're gonna have to cancel Operation Recolonize. So uh, just stay the course, um... Rather than try and fix this problem, it'll just be easier for everyone to remain in space.
Captain : "Easier"?
Shelby's advisor : Mr. President, sir. Sir! Time to go.
Shelby Forthright, BnL CEO : [overlapping] Uh, I think - huh? Okay, I'm giving override, uh, Directive A113. Go to full autopilot. Take control of everything, and do not return to Earth. I repeat, do not return to Earth.
[puts on his gas mask and starts to leave]
Shelby Forthright, BnL CEO : Let's get the heck outta here.
Captain : [Auto has confined him to his quarters] Stupid wheel!
Captain : We have a jogging track?