Dr. Ross Geller: I'm dead an no one cares.
Monica Geller-Bing: I look like a man!
Chandler Bing: Just one problem at a time, please. Ross, you only gave them one day's notice, of course no one's going to come in just one day. And Monica, it's probably the way you stand.
Chandler Bing: [updating Ross' profile on the alumni website] Also I cloned a dinosaur in my lab. She is now my girlfriend. I don't care what society says, it's the best sex I've ever had.
Rachel Green: I'm trying to put Emma down for a nap. Have you seen Hugsy?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, original or crappy?
Rachel Green: Original.
Joey Tribbiani: No, sorry, haven't seen him.
Rachel Green: Then what's that big lump under your covers?
Joey Tribbiani: It's Monica, Ok?
Rachel Green: That's not Monica.
Joey Tribbiani: Alright, fine. It's original Hugsy.
Manny: [Mannie interrupts Mike and Phoebe kissing] I knew you'd be here.
Mike Hannigan: Oh crap.
Phoebe Buffay: Who's this?
Mike Hannigan: It's my friend, Mannie. I asked him to keep me away from you.
Monica Geller-Bing: Hey, that's what I'm doing for Phoebe.
Manny: Well you're not doing a very good job.
Monica Geller-Bing: Excuse me?
Manny: What's with the kissing?
Monica Geller-Bing: Hey, at least I knew where my guy was.
Manny: Yeah. Thank God you were here to oversee all the kissing.
Monica Geller-Bing: You didn't hear the speech.
Manny: I've heard the speech. If he knew it was going to be the last time he saw her...
Monica Geller-Bing: Hey, it was very moving. You're just heartless.
Manny: You're weak.
Monica Geller-Bing: You're... weird.
Manny: Your pants are undone.
Monica Geller-Bing: Oh!
Manny: Where'd they go?
[Phoebe and Mike slipped away while they were busy arguing]
Monica Geller-Bing: Dammit!
Manny: Well we blew it.
Phoebe Buffay: When I get to the point where I'm ready to hear cruel mocking jokes about Mike, I'm going to come to you.
Chandler Bing: Ok, 'cause I've already thought of three. Four! I just thought of a fourth.
Phoebe Buffay: Mike never wants to get married and I shouldn't be in a relationship that has no future. But pretty soon, I'm going to miss him so much, I'm going to want to see him again and you have to stop me from doing that.
Monica Geller-Bing: Ok, you got it.
Phoebe Buffay: Unless... Am I being too crazy about this? Alright, so, you know, there's no future. That doesn't mean we still can't have fun. You know what? Forget what I just said.
Monica Geller-Bing: Really? If that's what you want.
Phoebe Buffay: That was a test and you just failed.
Mike Hannigan: If I had known the last time I saw you would be the last time, I... I would have stopped to memorize your face, the way you moved, everything about you. If I had known the last time I kissed you would be the last time, I never would have stopped.
Monica Geller-Bing: Kiss him you fool!
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Monica Geller-Bing: Did you hear that speech? If you don't kiss him then I will.
Monica Geller-Bing: Did you know Ross well?
Tom Gordon: Actually, I barely knew him. I came because I heard Chandler's news. Do you know if he's seeing anyone?
Monica Geller-Bing: Yes he is, me!
Tom Gordon: What? Oh! Ok, can I ask you a personal question? How do you shave our beard so close?