Must Love Dogs (2005)
Jake: You know, but I think your heart grows back bigger. You know? Once you get the shit beat out of you. And, um, the universe lets your heart expand that way, and I think that's the function of all this pain and heartache that you go through and you gotta go through that to come out to a better place and that's how I see it, anyway.
Jake: It's a long story, something about the violation of expectations and a crushing loss of faith, and love, and life, and art.
Bill: So it's a girl?
Bill: I've had a little bit of girl trouble myself lately. But it is better to have loved and lost, am I right?
Jake: She was a unique constellation of attributes; she was my Halley's comet. But the universe is designed to break your heart, right?
Bill: A philosopher as well as an artist, yes, it is we who suffer most.
Jake: Yes, with the possible exception of the victims of violent crime
Sarah: I want to be in love. I want to wake up next to someone and see them smile, do the whole Sunday breakfast thing, go out and get the paper, stay in bed together all day.
Jake: That's what it was like when I met Sarah. Anyway that's what I
Sarah: I made you nauseous?
Jake: In a good way - I was lovesick.
Sarah: [laughing] That was good, honey.
title cards: [in front of two dogs who played Mother Teresa] No animals were harmed during the filming of this movie.
title cards: Though we were petted within an inch of our lives.
Dolly: I love this internet. It's part fantasy, part community, and you get to pay your bills naked.
Deli Guy: Hi, can I help you?
Sarah: Single chicken breast please.
Deli Guy: You know for an extra $0.75 cents you can get the whole fryer here. Two breasts, two thighs and a wing, today's special.
Sarah: Thank you, I don't know when I'd eat all that.
Deli Guy: It's just an extra $0.75 cents.
Sarah: It's not the $0.75 cents, I hate to see food go bad.
Deli Guy: Oh, we got a hundred recipes here. You can always cook 'em up freeze 'em and...
Sarah: Look, Listen to me mister! I'm divorced ok? I eat alone, usually standing over the sink, I don't want a bunch of chicken hanging around, ok? Thank you.
Carol: Where are your boob shirts?
[holds up Sarah's sweaters]
Carol: Your *boob* shirts!
Christine: Don't worry, I brought some of mine!
Rebecca: The best place to meet a guy is at the supermarket. You don't need to waste a lot of time there, either. You see a guy holding a list, you know he's married. He's in the frozen food section carrying a small basket, he's single. I like to hang out by fruits and vegetables, there's a better chance of getting a guy who's healthy.
Bob: You sure you don't want to come in, we just opened a bottle of wine.
Sarah: Oh I think I'd rather die, but thank you.
Vinnie: I thought a great place to meet girls would be night school, you know, where they teach English as a second language. You know, because these girls would be from foreign lands and, you know, maybe still a little disoriented from the journey and I would look attractive because... I speak English very goodly. But in the end it did not work out as I had hoped, I mean, basically I was told to take a hike in fourteen languages.
Jake: Oh Charlie, you should've seen this girl; she's shy, she's fragile, she's self conscious, she has no idea how beautiful she is... she's a M-E-S-S-S... it's FAN-TAS-TIC!
Dolly: Watch yourself. With those girls cleaning is a contact sport!
Sarah: They had to cut me out of the snow with scissors.
Sarah: You're in different leagues Dad, you and Dolly. I think she's really started falling for you.
Bill: Well, I'm sorry if... if...
Sarah: No, you're not, because being a man today means never having to say you're sorry.
Christine: [Sarah is in the bath and not picking up the phone] Sarah, it's me, Christine. Pick up. Come on, Sarah. I already talked to Dad.
Sarah: [sighs and answers the phone] Who else knows?
Christine: No one.
Sarah: Come on, Carol has to know.
Christine: Why does Carol have to know? Couldn't I once know something before she does?
Sarah: [realizing] She's there with you, isn't she?
Sarah: Hello, Carol.
Carol: [small beat] Hi, Sarah. I was telling Chris it's a shame I didn't know about this before because I would have called Uncle Chet. We could have doubled.
Sarah: Oh, no. This story is going to be immortalized into family history, isn't it? Told and retold at Thanksgiving dinner, year after year...
Carol: Oh, not just Thanksgiving. I think it's a good Christmas story to.
[both Carol and Christine laugh]
Sarah: Bye guys.
Christine: [laughing] Wait. Tell the truth. One a scale of one to ten how would you rate Dad as a date? Hot, super hot?
[Sarah hangs up]
[Jake and Sarah are trying to buy some condoms because neither of them had any; Jake returns from a store to the car]
Jake: They're out!
Sarah: How can they be out?
Jake: I have a theory about this. Everyone in the city is having sex at the exact same time... except for us. But we will press on.
Carol: Hello! Don't worry, it's just me. I'm in the kitchen. I filled your freezer again. There's now enough meat to feed every guy who answered your ad and still...
[Walks in from the kitchen and sees Jake]
Sarah: Jake Anderson, my sister Carol. Jake did, in fact, answer the ad.
Jake: Do I get my meat?
[Carol tosses him the meat]
Austin: [after getting a bloody nose in Sarah's class] Good Lord! It's a gusher!
Marcia: Probably the best place is Home Depot... or any hardware store. You just walk up to the cutest guy and say "Do you know where I get nailed? I mean nails? Pardon me, I've been drinking all afternoon." And that way he knows: one, that you're easy, and two, that you like to drink.
Jake: [Driving in search of condoms] So this pre-school of yours, it's what? Traditional, developmental, Montessori?
Sarah: Yeah, yeah, all that. Drugstore!
Dolly: So, what do you think of my competition?
Sarah: I don't really wanna discuss my father's...
Dolly: oh, it's okay. It's okay. I know. A woman always knows. Not always. - Your guy go younger?...
Dolly: They always go younger, don't they? It does seem to trend that way, doesn't it? When they're 80, they want 60. When they're 60, they want 40. When they're 80, they want 40. And they get it. Goddamn supply and demand. We ought to kill the guy who thought that one up.