Will Ferrell: Ricky Bobby
Ricky Bobby : If you ain't first, you're last.
Ricky Bobby : Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said..."I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."
Lucius Washington : You're not gonna live forever.
Ricky Bobby : No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high level income, it's not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300. Heck, I just read in the newspaper that they put a pig heart in some guy from Russia. Do you know what that means?
Lucius Washington : No, I don't know what that means. I guess longer life.
Ricky Bobby : No, he didn't live. It's just exciting that we're trying things like that.
Ricky Bobby : [running around on the track in his underwear] Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!
Ricky Bobby : Dear 8 pounds 6 ounces... newborn infant Jesus, don't even know a word yet.
Ricky Bobby : Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin' me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.
Ricky Bobby : You sick sons of bitches. I mean you walk in that door, on your two legs... all fat and cocky and lookin' at me in my chair. And you tell me its all in my head? I hope that both of you have sons... Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented and star athletes and they have their legs taken away. I mean I pray you know that pain and that hurt.
Lucius Washington : [enraged] Don't you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby! Don't you put that on us! You are NOT paralyzed!
Ricky Bobby : [television commercial] Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then f-*bleep* you.
[on why Ricky should resume his racing career]
Susan : It's because it's what you love, Ricky. It is who you were born to be. And here you sit, thinking. Well, Ricky Bobby is not a thinker. Ricky Bobby is a driver. He is a doer. And that's what you need to do. You don't need to think. You need to drive. You need speed. You need to go out there, and you need to rev your engine. You need to fire it up. You need to grab a hold of that line between speed and chaos, and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra! And then, when the fear rises up in your belly, you use it. And you know that fear is powerful, because it has been there for billions of years. And it is good. And you use it. And you ride it; you ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell, and then you win, Ricky. You WIN! And you don't win for anybody else. You win for you, you know why? Because a man takes what he wants. He takes it all. And you're a man, aren't you? Aren't you?
Ricky Bobby : [pauses] Susan, I've never heard you talk like that... Are we about to get it on? Because I'm as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.
Cal Naughton, Jr. : Shake 'n Bake!
[puts hand out]
Ricky Bobby : No, never again.
Cal Naughton, Jr. : You're right. I was like a total dick, man.
Ricky Bobby : From now on, you're the Magic Man and I'm El Diablo.
Cal Naughton, Jr. : What does Diablo mean?
Ricky Bobby : It's like... Spanish for like a fighting chicken.
Ricky Bobby : This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I do love Fig Newtons.
Chip : I can't hold my tongue. These kids are my grandchildren and you are raising them wrong. They are *terrible* boys!
Walker : Shut up, Chip, or I'll go ape-shit on your ass!
Texas Ranger : I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head!
Cal Naughton, Jr. : Yeah!
Ricky Bobby : Yeah! Now turn up the heat!
Cal Naughton, Jr. : Go on and get some, boys!
Ricky Bobby : Come on!
Walker : I'm ten years old, but I'll beat your ass!
Texas Ranger : Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!
Cal Naughton, Jr. : Like a spider monkey! Go on!
Ricky Bobby : Chip, you brought this on, man.
Walker : Greatest Generation my ass. Tom Brokaw's a punk!
Chip : What is wrong with you?
Texas Ranger : Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!
[from the unrated version]
Ricky Bobby : Hey. I lost my license. That's why I'm on the bus... I'm delivering pizzas.
Passenger on Bus : Mothafucka, what makes you think I care? Shut the fuck up!
Ricky Bobby : I- I've just telling you that 'cause, like I said, I lost my license. I've just been having a lot of problems lately.
Passenger on Bus : Problems? I don't want to hear about your damn problems! Everybody's got problems! My momma got problems she just lost her leg! My cousin Pookie just lost a testicle! My dog just threw up somebody's finger! That's a problem!
Ricky Bobby : I really regret opening my mouth and talking to you.
Jean Girard : [has Ricky in an arm lock] I will let you go, Ricky. But first, I want you to say..."I... love... crepes."
Cal Naughton, Jr. : Don't you say it, Ricky. These colors don't run.
Ricky Bobby : I'm not gonna say it.
Cal Naughton, Jr. : Good.
Ricky Bobby : Hey, look, Frenchy, I thought about it. So why don't you go ahead and break my arm?
Jean Girard : I do not want to break your arm, Monsieur Bobby, but I am a man of my word.
Ricky Bobby : Here's the deal. He's not gonna break it because I'm gonna slip out of it right now. Houdini!
[he tries unsuccessfully to get free]
Jean Girard : Whoa! Get down, you little pancake.
Ricky Bobby : Someone might as well get me a beer while I'm down here.
Jean Girard : But you have forced me to do this. You are now mocking me and making me look ridiculous. Just say, "I love crepes."
Cal Naughton, Jr. : You know, just to put this in there, I had a whole mess of crepes this morning. They're just like pancakes, maybe even better.
Ricky Bobby : Wait, are they the really thin pancakes?
Cal Naughton, Jr. : Yeah.
Jean Girard : Yes they are. They are the really thin pancakes. It's just a French word for them.
Ricky Bobby : Oh, my god, I love those.
Cal Naughton, Jr. : Put any syrups you want on them. I'm just saying, think about it.
Ricky Bobby : They come with cheese sometimes?
Jean Girard : Yes, of course, a fromage-crepe.
Ricky Bobby : Well, why didn't someone yell that right-right away?
Jean Girard : Do you know what's in the crepe suzette?
Ricky Bobby : Oh, I love the crepe suzette.
Jean Girard : With the sugar and lemon juice...
Ricky Bobby : Yeah, the sugar and the lemon juice. Sure.
Jean Girard : Grand Marnier.
Ricky Bobby : I wo - I wish I could crawl into one of those right now. I'd eat my way out from the inside.
Ricky Bobby : How was school today, boys?
Walker : I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip's war medals off the bridge.
[Chip is startled]
Ricky Bobby : Sounds like a good day. How 'bout you, TR?
Texas Ranger : The teacher asked me what was the capital of North Carolina. I said Washington, D.C.
Cal Naughton, Jr. : Bingo.
Ricky Bobby : Nice.
Texas Ranger : She said, "No, you're wrong." I said, "You got a lumpy butt." She got mad at me and yelled at me and I pissed in my pants and I never did change my pee-pants all day. I'm still sittin' in my dirty pee-pants.
Cal Naughton, Jr. : I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There's no shame in that.
Ricky Bobby : Wait, Dad. Don't you remember the time you told me "If you ain't first, you're last"?
Reese Bobby : Huh? What are you talking about, Son?
Ricky Bobby : That day at school.
Reese Bobby : Oh hell, Son, I was high that day. That doesn't make any sense at all, you can be second, third, fourth... hell you can even be fifth.
Ricky Bobby : What? I've lived my whole life by that!
Ricky Bobby : I've sent in my application to the Real World. So I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting A LOT of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I'm also thinking about getting a gun, and dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not like a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly like, "hey, what's up guys? Want some crack?" I'm just waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out.
Jean Girard : My name is Jean Girard and I am a racing-car driver just like you except I am from Formula Un. I am the greatest one in the whole world. I have been following your career with great interest, Monsieur Bobby.
Ricky Bobby : I can't understand a word you've said the whole time.
Cal Naughton, Jr. : Did you eat some peanut butter or something?
Ricky Bobby : Yeah, you sound like a dog with peanut butter on the roof of your mouth
Jean Girard : I think what you are hearing is my accent. I am French.
Ricky Bobby : You say you're French?
Jean Girard : Oui.
[sounds like 'We']
Ricky Bobby : We? No, we are not French. We're American, because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet
Jean Girard : Well, what have you given the world apart from George Bush, Cheerios, and the ThighMaster?
Ricky Bobby : Chinese food?
Cal Naughton, Jr. : Chinese food.
Jean Girard : That's from China.
Ricky Bobby : Pizza.
Jean Girard : Italy.
Cal Naughton, Jr. : Chimichanga.
Jean Girard : Mexico.
Ricky Bobby : Really, smarty-pants? What did French land give us?
Jean Girard : We invented democracy, existentialism, and the ménage à trois.
Cal Naughton, Jr. : Those are three pretty good things.
Ricky Bobby : Hey.
Cal Naughton, Jr. : Well that last one's pretty cool.
Ricky Bobby : [television commercial] Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. When you're workin' on your mysterious lady parts and stuff, you should have the right tools too. That's why you should use... MayPax. The official tampon of NASCAR.
Ricky Bobby : Yep, flying through the air. This is not good.
Ricky Bobby : Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.
Jean Girard : Bon. So, what if you just said: "I love really thin pancakes"? That is a fair compromise, no?
Kyle : That is a fair compromise.
Herschell : Very fair, actually.
Ricky Bobby : No! Because then everyone would know I really meant crêpes!
Kyle : That's actually a pretty good compromise right there.
Jean Girard : Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?
Ricky Bobby : You don't understand. You don't understand because you don't understand liberty. You don't understand freedom. So you put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell! You hear me?
Cal Naughton, Jr. : [leans down to talk to Ricky in a low voice] Hey. This is just between you and me, okay? I mean, forget all these other guys. But he did give you a pretty decent out. But it's your call.
Ricky Bobby : [whispering] What do you think?
Cal Naughton, Jr. : Don't say it.
Ricky Bobby : Yeah. I'm not gonna say it. Nope. Break it, Pepé Le Pew!
Jean Girard : As you wish.
[He breaks Ricky's arm]
Ricky Bobby : [in pain] He actually did it!
Ricky Bobby : I'm just a big hairy American winning machine, you know?
[on Ricky's new 'corporate sponsor']
Susan : "Me" is you. Because it's just you out there. We don't have any corporate sponsors, we don't have any fancy team owners. We have you. And this car, and this cougar, which symbolizes the fear that you have overcome. It's all there for you.
Glenn : Ricky, this car is like your Excalibur, the mighty sword that Sir Lancelot used to bring together the Knights of the Round Table, until Lancelot betrayed him by laying with his queen...
Glenn : ... in the biblical sense.
Ricky Bobby : Okay, Glenn. Everything cool that Susan said, you wrecked it.
Ricky Bobby : It felt like I was on a spaceship...
Ricky Bobby : Slingshot: engaged.
Ricky Bobby : I came here to tell you one thing: come race time tomorrow, I'm coming for you.
Jean Girard : Do you know why I came to America, Monsieur Bobby?
Ricky Bobby : Health care systems, giant water parks. The same reason anyone comes to America.
Jean Girard : I came here for you to beat me.
Ricky Bobby : What are you talking about?
Jean Girard : My husband Gregory and I want only that what every other couple wants: to tame komodo dragons in Sri Lanka and teach them to perform Hamlet, but before I can do that...
Ricky Bobby : That's dumb.
Jean Girard : It's not dumb.
Ricky Bobby : It is dumb.
Jean Girard : Why is it dumb?
Ricky Bobby : I don't know.
Jean Girard : But before I can do that I must be beaten by a driver who is truly better than me.
Ricky Bobby : You saying you're going to lose to me on purpose?
Jean Girard : No.
Ricky Bobby : No?
Jean Girard : NO! I will battle you with the entirety of my heart and you will probably lose. But maybe, just maybe. You might challenge me. The Beatles needed the Rolling Stones. Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric. Will you be my Katie Couric?
Ricky Bobby : Wow I feel like I'm in the Highlander.
Jean Girard : What's the Highlander?
Ricky Bobby : It's a movie.
Jean Girard : Oh any good?
Ricky Bobby : Very good. It won the Academy Award.
Jean Girard : Oh for what?
Ricky Bobby : Best movie ever made. Look I came here to tell you tomorrow I'm coming for you.
Jean Girard : May god be with you Monsieur Bobby. Because although today I am friendly. Tomorrow will be war!
Ricky Bobby : Alright.
Jean Girard : Soon you will know what it is like to be defeated by the hands of somebody who is truly better than you. As William Blake wrote, "The cut worm forgives the plow".
Ricky Bobby : Well, let me just quote the late great Colonel Sanders who said "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken".
Jean Girard : What's that got to do with this?
Reese Bobby : Now, there's nothing like driving to avoid jail. Nothing hones your mind and your instincts like necessity. So I taped a kilo of cocaine underneath the car and called the boys in blue. Now, the way I figure it, you got about two minutes before they show up and you do 5 to 10. So, what's it going to be? Fear or prison?
Ricky Bobby : Man, what the hell are you talking about?
Reese Bobby : Real simple, son... cops are coming, there's a kilo of Colombian bam-bam under the car. Time to be a man. You got hair on your peaches or what?
Ricky Bobby : Hey! It's me, America!
Ricky Bobby : I get emotional. You guys are workin' so hard, and I'm just so proud of you. You remind me of me, precocious and full of wonderment.
Cal Naughton, Jr. : I tell you what, Ricky, you are truly blessed. These two are two in a million, just like Carley's ta-tas. You won't find another rack like that, I guarantee it.
Carley Bobby : Thank you, Cal.
Walker : That's real sweet of you, Cal.
Ricky Bobby : Cal, that's a real nice sentiment. That's about one of the nicest things you ever said.
Cal Naughton, Jr. : Well, I mean it.
Carley Bobby : Stop it, gonna make me cry.
Cal Naughton, Jr. : Comes from the heart.
Ricky Bobby : [after a girl flashes him] Please be 18.
Ricky Bobby : Where are you, Pepé Le Bitch?
Ricky Bobby : [while signing autographs] I'd love to sign your baby!
Ricky Bobby : I'm embarrassed. I really thought I could feel it.
Ricky Bobby : Holding hands with a man makes me terribly uncomfortable.
Jean Girard : It's a sign of friendship in many countries.
Ricky Bobby : Well, not here.
Jean Girard : There is nothing sexual about it. Please don't be worried about the fact that I have an erection. Its has nothing to do with you.
Ricky Bobby : [while people try to restrain him] Get back, I'll windmill ya.
Ricky Bobby : Holy moly, that's like lookin' up Yasmine Bleeth's skirt!
Ricky Bobby : Hey Greg.
Greg Biffle : [shakes Ricky's hand] Hey. Good to see you back.
Ricky Bobby : Thanks, bud.
Greg Biffle : You're not gonna be runnin' up the road in your underwear again, are ya? Like in Charlotte?
Ricky Bobby : You know what? That hurts, man.
[Greg laughs, then suddenly stops]
Greg Biffle : Good to see you back.
Ricky Bobby : Thanks.