Jonah Hill: Sherman Schrader
Sherman Schrader : Ask me about my wiener!
Uncle Ben : [the panel has demanded to know if there is any real faculty at South Harmon] Present and accounted for!
Dean Van Horne : Oh, for God's sakes! Dr. Alexander, this man has not been a part of academia for three decades! We were on the faculty together at Harmon in our 20s, but he washed out. He's a drunk, he's a degenerate and he's looney tunes!
Sherman Schrader : HEY, ASSHOLE! You're talking about my Mom's brother!
Dean Van Horne : OH, SIT DOWN!
Sherman Schrader : [meekly] Okay.
Uncle Ben : HEY! Why don't you take your *P-h-D*, and shove it up your *A-S-S*!
[all the students cheer]
Bartleby Gaines : Does the run-of-the-mill college experience include stripping you of your dignity? Totally humiliating you, making you wear a... a... frigging hot dog suit?
Sherman Schrader : It's a tradition.
Bartleby Gaines : A tradition?
Sherman Schrader : Yes.
Bartleby Gaines : I've got a tradition for you. Schrader, you've been my best friend since we were 5 years old. That's the only tradition I know.
Bartleby Gaines : Schrader, come on. Don't be scared.
Sherman Schrader : Scared? I'm not scared. You're scared.
Hands : Schrader, you were scared to try the new flavor of Dr. Pepper.
Sherman Schrader : I told you that in confidence Hands!
Bartleby Gaines : Schrader, you were afraid when you're tooth fell out because you were terrified of the Tooth Fairy.
Sherman Schrader : That's actually a legitimate fear. She was rifling through my shit.
Bartleby Gaines : You said you didn't wanna be a part of this thing.
Sherman Schrader : I didn't want to have anything to do with it. I wanted to be the fourth generation of Schrader to go to Harmon. But then I realized, I would much rather be the first generation of Schrader to go to the South Harmon Institute of Technology. I said it, okay? I said it.
Bartleby Gaines : So you're saying... you're saying you want to be a S.H.I.T. head?
Sherman Schrader : I'm saying I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head. I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head.
Sherman Schrader : I don't want to be here alone when the walls start to bleed!
Bartleby Gaines : Glen since when have you been working at the kwik and stop?
Glen : since I got boned HARD by every college I applied to
Bartleby Gaines : why what happened?
Glen : some political crap I got a zero on my SAT's.
Sherman Schrader : you do know you get 600 points just for signing your name right?
Glen : ...aw DAMNIT!
Sherman Schrader : This place is awesome cause now I can finally get Hepatitis!
Sherman Schrader : Yes! Yes! I want it! I want everything you guys have! I want Lilac shirts! I want visors kinda tilted to the side with hair gel coming out of them! I want to have sex with girls that look like this!
Sherman Schrader : Yeah, cool guys. Let's start this fake college, and then we'll go start a meth lab somewhere. Come on, it's a gateway crime. That's how these things start.
Sherman Schrader : [looking at the rundown, abandoned building] I hope you guys have hobo stab insurance.
Bartleby Gaines : Schrader what about you?
Sherman Schrader : Well B I'm glad you asked actually because since we're going to prison, I wanna learn how to carve a shank out of my toothbrush.
Bartleby Gaines : Okay ha ha. I'll tell you something though, all our lives we've been told what to learn, well today the tide is going to turn my friend because today we're gonna ask the customers.