Jack Benny: Can a man my age take something... just so he can finish reading the book?
David Reuben: Jack, why are we discussing my book? I mean, this show has nothing to do with sex. It's about you.
Jack Benny: [about his song lyrics] How does your mammy get a cakey by putting a pinch of salty on a hammy and eggy?
Phil Harris: Does Sarah Lee tell Betty Crocker, Jack?
Jack Benny: [to Phil Harris, pointing to a US map] I want you to show me one place on this map where it says Doo-Wa-Diddy. I can see Walla Wall, Muskegon, Ashtabula, Waxahatchee, but where in the name of Aristotle Onassis is Doo-Wa-Diddy?
Jack Benny: For some reason, comedy and sex don't seem to go together. Really, how many comedians can you think of that can be considered great lovers? On the other hand, Valentino was no Zero Mostel.
Jack Benny: What's your name, boy?
John Wayne: Marion Michael Morrison.
Jack Benny: Marion Michael Morrison? No wonder you're a chorus boy. You'll never get anywhere with a name like that.
John Wayne: Well, I have been thinking of changing it, Mr. Benny. To Wayne.
Jack Benny: Wayne. That's not too bad. Wayne. How about Wayne Newton?
Lucille Ball: How about John Wayne Newton?
John Wayne: That's worse than Marion Michael Morrison.
Jack Benny: Let me give you some advice. You're too big and tall and clumsy to be a chorus boy. Why don't you buy yourself a horse, a cowboy suit, and put a black patch over your eye, and you'll be in business. Be a cowboy, get into Westerns and you'll be a star.
John Wayne: But that takes true grit!