Vince Vaughn: Peter La Fleur
Lance Armstrong : Could I get a bottle of water. - - Hey, aren't you Peter La Fleur?
Peter La Fleur : Lance Armstrong!
Lance Armstrong : Yeah, that's me. But I'm a big fan of yours.
Peter La Fleur : Really?
Lance Armstrong : Yeah, I've been watching the dodgeball tournament on the Ocho. ESPN 8. I just can't get enough of it. But, good luck in the tournament. I'm really pulling for you against those jerks from Globo Gym. I think you better hurry up or you're gonna be late.
Peter La Fleur : Uh, actually I decided to quit... Lance.
Lance Armstrong : Quit? You know, once I was thinking about quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer, all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and I won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying from that's keeping you from the finals?
Peter La Fleur : Right now it feels a little bit like... shame.
Lance Armstrong : Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't have anything to regret for the rest of their life. But good luck to you Peter. I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever.
Kate Veatch : For instance, do you realize you haven't collected any membership fees in 13 months?
Peter La Fleur : Hmmm...
Kate Veatch : I'm curious, is it strictly apathy, or do you really not have a goal in life?
Peter La Fleur : I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya... it feels phenomenal.
Kate Veatch : Well I guess that makes sense, in a really sad way.
Peter La Fleur : Sad? You want to know what's sad? Six grown men playing dodgeball.
Peter La Fleur : [after Patches hits Justin in the face with a wrench] Yeah, uh, Patches... are you sure that this is completely necessary?
Patches O'Houlihan : Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?
Peter La Fleur : Probably not.
Patches O'Houlihan : No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste.
Peter La Fleur : ...Okay.
Peter La Fleur : Look, White, I know that we've had our differences in the past...
White Goodman : Differences? Is that what you call sleeping with three of my female trainers?
Peter La Fleur : That was one night.
White Goodman : Or what about that strip-o-gram you sent me for the Globo Gym one year anniversary?
Peter La Fleur : The stripper was meant to be congratulatory.
White Goodman : It was also a man!
White Goodman : Go ahead, make your jokes, Mr. Jokey... Joke-maker. But let me hit you with some knowledge. Quit now. Save yourself the embarrassment of losing with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur.
Peter La Fleur : Alliteration aside, I'll take my chances in the tournament.
White Goodman : Yeah, you will take your chances.
Peter La Fleur : I know. I just said that.
White Goodman : I know you just said that.
Peter La Fleur : Okay, I'm not sure where you're going with this.
White Goodman : Well, I'm not sure where *you're* going with this.
Peter La Fleur : That's what I said.
White Goodman : That's what I'm saying to *you*.
Peter La Fleur : All right.
White Goodman : ...Touché.
Peter La Fleur : You need some help leaving White?
White Goodman : This doesn't concern you, Lafleur.
Peter La Fleur : Not nearly as much as your hair does, that's for sure, but uh, I believe she asked you to leave.
White Goodman : I get it, you caught the scent of a lesser stag in your nostrils. Pity. I'll let you have your little moment, LaFleur, 'cause after this tournament, your gym, your life - and your gal - are gonna be mine. To be continued.
[Reaches up to caress her]
Kate Veatch : [Judo-grabs White Goodman and slams his face into the wall, leaving a streak of makeup] You don't get to touch me, ever!
Peter La Fleur : Okay, Romeo, let me help you up.
White Goodman : Get off of me, don't you touch me! It is over between us, Kate. Nobody makes me bleed my own blood - nobody!
Casino Worker : [a casino worker and a security guard wheels out a huge treasue chest] Here are your winnings, Mr. La Fleur. Congratuations.
Peter La Fleur : Right on time. I appreciate it. Thanks, guys.
White Goodman : [curious with anger] Winnings? What winnings? What winnings? What is that?
Peter La Fleur : Oh, gosh! I totally forgot to tell you, White. I took the $100,000 bribe you gave me last night and I put on us to win. We were going at fifty to one. Anyone? Top of your head. What's 50 times $100,000?
Owen : $50,000?
Kate Veatch : $5 million! Peter, are you kidding me?
Peter La Fleur : [opens the treasure chest, revealing stacks of cash] Surprise!
Peter La Fleur : Come on, Kate. It's time to put your mouth where our balls are.
White Goodman : Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn't sell you your gym back for all of King Midas' silver. The gym is mine! So you can take your band of yellow-bellied losers and just crawl on outta here!
Peter La Fleur : You're right, White. I can't make you sell back my gym, so I'll just take your advice and invest in something. Say... the controlling stake of Globo Gym.
White Goodman : That's preposterous! I'd never allow it.
Kate Veatch : Globo Gym is a publicly-traded company, there's nothing you can do about it.
Peter La Fleur : So, I would control Globo Gym and... everything that Globo Gym owns. Which as of last night is Average Joe's Gym!
[Average Joe's Team cheering]
Peter La Fleur : I'm your new boss, White.
White Goodman : You can't be my boss! Nobody's my boss! I'm my own boss! I created myself!
Peter La Fleur : You're fired, pal.
White Goodman : This is it, La 'Loser.' You ready for the, whoo, hurricane?
Peter La Fleur : Just don't go cryin' to your mommy when I spank you in front of all these people, White.
White Goodman : You don't go cryin' to your daddy after I wipe it up with your face.
Peter La Fleur : Uh, White?
White Goodman : Yeah?
Peter La Fleur : You look awful fat in those pants.
Gordon : Hey, Honey!
[his wife gives the "L" sign]
Gordon : "L" for love! Good times.
Dwight : "L" for love? That doesn't mean love, Gordon...
Peter La Fleur : No, it's... people have different translations for different things and that's a special bond that you have with uh... with your mail-order wife. I think that's nice. It's fine.
Peter La Fleur : Too bad Hallmark doesn't make a "Sorry your dodgeball coach got killed by two tons of irony" card.
Peter La Fleur : You're adopted! Your parents don't even love you!
White Goodman : So, that's the deal... I give you $100,000. You sign over the deed to your gym. Period. End o' story.
Peter La Fleur : You really think you can come in here and buy me out, White? You're a lot dumber than I thought.
White Goodman : Hmm. Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you thought that I think that I thought I was once.
Kate Veatch : Mr La Fleur, I can assure you this is a very serious situation.
Peter La Fleur : Yeah, no, this is extremely serious, Mrs, uh, Veach...
Kate Veatch : It's Ms. I'm going to need to review all of your financial statements and assess any tax liabilities there may be.
Peter La Fleur : Absolutely. I don't know how you say Ms for a Mr 'cause it's just Mr, but if there was a Ms Mr, I'm a Ms as well.
Peter La Fleur : That feels good. Oh, that tickle machine
Peter La Fleur : [Peter's dog, Crash, jumps on him]
Peter La Fleur : Crash, no! Crash, out! Bad dog! No grundle.
White Goodman : [from the G.G. commercial] C'mon down and join the winning team, because here at Globo Gym...
White & The Globo Gym Team : [all together] We're better than you...
White Goodman : and we know it!
Peter La Fleur : [disgust] Spare me.
Peter La Fleur : You had me at blood and semen.
Peter La Fleur : Well, if you can't raise fifty thousand dollars with an impromptu carwash, I guess it just wasn't in the cards.
Justin : How many teams are in this qualifier?
Gordon : Uh, two.
Justin : So all we have to do is beat this team and we're in the Vegas Open, right?
Gordon : Yeah!
Owen : That seems pretty simple.
Dwight : Who's the other team?
Gordon : Uh, I have it right here, just a second... Troop 417.
Steve the Pirate : Christ! We're playin' Boy Scouts!
Peter La Fleur : Not quite!
[Troop 417 are tough-looking Girl Scouts; one spits on the ground]
Steve the Pirate : BOLLOCKS!
Peter La Fleur : I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya, it feels phenomenal!
Justin : Well, it'll be worth my while when I make the cheerleading squad this time. Prove to Amber and everyone else that I'm not a loser.
Peter La Fleur : Wait, you want to make the cheerleading squad to prove to a girl that you are not a loser?
Justin : Yeah... Why?
Peter La Fleur : Nothing, just high school's changed a little since I was a kid.
[closing credits; 1st ever Average Joe's commerical upon the takeover from Globo Gym]
Peter La Fleur : Hi. I'm Peter La Fleur, Owner and Operator of Average Joe's Gym. And I'm here to tell you, you're perfect just the way you are. But if you feel like losing a few pounds, gettin' healthier, and making some good friends in the process...
[hands a towel to a female member]
Peter La Fleur : ...then Joe's is the place for you. Don't forget that Youth Dodgeball classes are forming right now. So come on down and learn a great game the way it's supposed to be played. Right, kids?
Average Joe's Kids : Right!
[throws the balls at Peter and the team]
Peter La Fleur : You must be "Daddy"...
[before the championship game]
Peter La Fleur : Okay guys, let's play smart. Wait for your two-on-ones, cover closely for your pickups. What's our team motto?
Owen : Aim low?
Peter La Fleur : That's right. All I'm asking is that you give it your best for Patches. I say we go out there, we let it all hang loose, try to have some fun. I mean, it's only dodgeball, right?
Peter La Fleur : Put 'em in.
Peter La Fleur : One, two, three...