Scott Mechlowicz: Scott Thomas
Scott : Let me handle this, I speak better German. Hello!
Truck Driver : Hello!
Scott : [in German] My German is ill, but I can understand on you if the speaking is slowly.
Truck Driver : [in German] German! I have been driving for 14 hours straight and I haven't slept in three days and I am wired on schnapps, benzedrine, and those little chocolate covered peanuts.
Cooper : What did he say?
Scott : He said he's driving, something...
Scott : [in German] Do you know where is Berlin?
Truck Driver : [in German] Berlin? Yes, I know it well. I stabbed a woman in a bar in Berlin. But I am going nowhere near Berlin.
Scott : Berlin!
Truck Driver : [in German] Berlin! I also sexually assaulted a horse in Berlin.
Scott : He's going to Berlin.
Jamie : Awesome.
Truck Driver : [in German] Nowhere near Berlin.
Scott : All right, come on, let's go.
[the group get in the back of the truck]
Truck Driver : [to self, in German] I'll drive this truck off a cliff before I ever go back to Berlin.
Scott : I saw a gay porno once. I didn't know until halfway in. The girls never came. The girls never came!
Cooper : [in London, answers his cell phone] Cooper here. Hello Mr. Walters. Uh, yes sir, I'm down in file storage. Oh, just hang on one second.
[lowers phone, picks teeth, puts phone back to ear]
Cooper : No, sir, I can't find the Goodwin file anywhere. Yes sir, I'll keep looking. I don't rest until I find it.
Scott : You didn't tell your boss you were leaving the country?
Cooper : They would have stopped paying me. Seemed easier.
Cooper : You know America was founded by prudes. Prudes who left Europe because they hated all the kinky, steamy European sex that was going on. And now I, Cooper Harris, will return to the land of my perverted forefathers and claim my birthright... which is a series of erotic and sexually challenging adventures.
Scott : You've really thaught a lot about this, haven't you?
Cooper : It's my passion!
Mad Maynard : If you're Manchester United supporters, sing the Manchester United song.
Scott : Excuse me? I'm sorry. I'm not much of a singer...
Mad Maynard : [slams a beer bottle on the floor] Sing!
Scott : [sings] My baby takes the mornin' train. / He works from nine to five and then / he takes another home again to find me... watching the Manchester United Football Team! Ah? The best freakin' team in all the land! Woo hoo!
Scott : I'm in love with my pen pal! I'm in love with Mike!
Cooper : Okay, okay. You know what? I was actually expecting this. And frankly, listen, I'm flattered that you picked me to come out to first. And don't worry about telling your folks, cause, eh, I think they already know.
Scott : No, you idiot, Mike is a girl!
Cooper : No, no, no, I get it, yeah. He's the girl, you're the girl. Sometimes you're both the girl. Right, right? That's hot. But, you know, whatever works for you. I'm not gonna judge it.
Cooper : Can we please just get out of here, this guy's really creeping me out.
Scott : Who, robot man? He's just trying to feed his robot family.
Cooper : Hey, I really don't like him.
Scott : Why, just because he's doing this?
[starts acting like a robot making robot noises]
Cooper : Seriously, don't do that.
Scott : [in a robot voice] Cooper, do not hate me. I am familiar with over 600 dance moves and I am programmed to get...
Scott : Freaky.
Cooper : You still writing that guy? I thought that was just for German class.
Scott : Yeah, it was at first, but you know, we're actually becoming pretty good friends. He's a really cool guy.
[starts to type]
Scott : Dear Mike, greetings from your American pen pal.
Cooper : Scotty, girl scouts have pen pals. Listen to yourself, all right? You met a "cool guy" on the Internet? This is how these sexual predators work. Next thing you know he's gonna want to arrange a meeting, where he will gas you, stuff you in the back of his van and make a wind chime out of your genitals.
Scott : [on the phone with Cooper and Jenny] Hold on, this must be my new roommate.
[Scotty opens the door and finds Mieke standing there]
Cooper : [yelling over the phone] What's the freak look like? Is he a dork or is he cool? He better not be cooler than me. Is he bigger than me?
Scott : I just got your last email. What are you doing here?
Mieke : Going to college.
Scott : You're going to college here? What dorm?
Mieke : This one. Room 2-1-4.
Scott : How is this possible?
Mieke : I guess they thought I was a guy.
Scott : Now who would be dumb enough to make a mistake like that?
[Scotty and Mieke kiss]
Cooper : [over the phone] Do I hear kissing? Are you making out with your new roommate, Scotty?
[Scotty and Mieke fall on Scotty's bed laughing and continue to make out]
Cooper : Scotty? Scotty? *Scotty*!
Green Fairy : [Green Fairy appears] This happy ending is bullshit! When does the fairy get laid? I'm outta here!
[makes the words The End appear with his wand, flies away]
[Cooper, in serious pain and humiliated from last night's BDSM "living nightmare", arrives to see both Scott and Jenny sitting on the bench and also humiliated from the incident at a bakery]
Scott : What did you do last night?
Cooper : I don't wanna talk about it. What did you guys do?
Scott : [notices the Vandersexxx t-shirt] What is that?
Cooper : Free t-shirt.
Scott : Hey, thanks for coming with me. I know you had that internship at the law firm this summer.
Cooper : Oh, forget about the law firm. And don't thank me, I should be thanking you. This trip is a once in a life-time opportunity for me to broaden my sexual horizons.
Scott : What are you talking about?
Cooper : I'm talking about crazy European sex.
Scott : Ah.
Scott : Dear sweet mother of God... we're in Eastern Europe!
Mad Maynard : Look given the current geopolitical climate, all European countries should have a seat at the table. Except those fucking Ities, I hate them Italian bastards, know what I mean.
Scott : Excuse me.
Mad Maynard : Hello boyo.
Scott : So what the hell happened last night?
Mad Maynard : You got steamed up, pissed as a fart. Too much sauce son. Don't worry I come and got ya so you wouldn't miss the trip.
Scott : We're going to be couriers?
Cooper : Best way to get a cheap flight. We just have to carry their packages, then drop them off when we get there. My cousin did it going to India.
Scott : Yeah?
Cooper : Of course, he ended up using a public restroom in New Delhi, and they had to cut off his leg. Heh. But he got there cheap.
Scott : What the fuck is a zussamen?
Scott : So, have you guys decided where you're gonna go first?
Jenny : Paris! I can't wait. I heard two years ago, Nicky Jager's sister Debbie met this really wealthy French guy, and they spent a month sailing the Mediterranean on his yacht. Isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever heard?
Cooper : Stuck on a boat with a weird French guy? That sounds a little gay.
Jenny : It's not gay. I'm a girl.
Scott : Kinda gay.
Cooper : A little gay.
Scott : They really are the worst twins ever.
Scott : I am never drinking again.