The Whole Nine Yards (2000)
Matthew Perry: Oz Oseransky
Oz : OK, OK. Let's say that he did make a pass at you. The guy's been in prison for five years. He's desperate. He'd sleep with a meat grinder.
Jimmy : I'm gonna keep the coke and the fries but I'm gonna send this burger back. And if you put any mayonnaise on it, I'm gonna come over to your house, I'll chop your legs off, set fire to your house, and watch as you drag your bloody stumps out the door.
[after a beat, the waiter turns to Oz]
Oz : I'm fine.
[the waiter leaves, and Jimmy starts laughing]
Jimmy : Fine? Let me tell you something, Oz. You are *not* fine. Do you know your wife wants you dead?
Oz : [tugs off his wedding ring] That much I've figured out.
Jimmy : My wife? You shtupped my wife, Oz?
Oz : I wouldn't exactly phrase it that way, exactly...
Jimmy : [with increasing anger] No, no, no! Let me get this straight. You went down to Chicago and engaged in sexual CONGRESS with my wife? Is that what you're telling me?
Jill St. Claire : Jimmy, Jimmy, calm down!
Jimmy : [now livid] IS IT? I SWEAR TO GOD...!
[Jill takes the phone from Jimmy]
Oz : [to Cynthia] He's a little upset. I've managed to upset a mass murderer.
Jimmy : FIND OUT WHERE HE IS!
Jimmy : JUST STAY RIGHT THERE!
[Jill takes the phone away]
Jimmy : It's a DISGRACE...
Jill St. Claire : [into phone] Oz, you stud, you!
Frankie Figs : Gonna be a DEAD stud.
Cynthia : You really meant it, didn't you? What you said?
Oz : About loving you? Of course! What did you think this was all about?
Cynthia : [shrugs] Sex. I mean, GREAT sex...
Oz : [chuckling] It was pretty good... is that all this has meant to you?
Cynthia : Don't get me wrong, Oz. I like you a lot...
Oz : Well, that's great to hear, but I've got news for you. I don't generally go around risking my life for people who just like me.
Jimmy : You're a lucky guy, Oz.
Oz : Why would you say that?
Jimmy : You're about to find out if the woman you love loves you. You know, if it were me, in her position, I'd just take the money and run.
Oz : So what are you betting on?
Jimmy : I'm betting on love. Love for you means money for me. And like I said before, I'd really hate to have to kill you.
Oz : Uh... it's room service. Before I vomited I ordered scotch.
Oz : [Jimmy just shot Frankie Figs] Why did you kill him?
Jimmy : [Jimmy throws the gun into the river] Well, I had to kill one of you.
Oz : Well, then you definitely made the right decision. But why did you have to kill him?
Jimmy : Well, if I didn't kill you, Frankie would have. Then he would have figured I'd gone soft, and eventually come after me and the money.
[Sophie is driving Oz to the airport; he is on the phone with Jill]
Jill St. Claire : Are you going alone?
Oz : Yes.
Jill St. Claire : Good, can you do me a huge favor while you're there? Go out, and get laid.
Oz : Jill!
[covers the phone]
Jill St. Claire : And call me the second you get back. Better yet, call me right after. Call me during! I want all the details!
Janni Gogolack : I vant you to understand, when it comes to Yimmy Tudeski, we're not talking about a human being. We're talking about a rodent! We're talking about wermin!
Janni Gogolack : Where was I?
Oz : Wermin, I think. Wermin.
Janni Gogolack : We're talking about someone - SCREW THAT! - some THING that doesn't deserve to be breathing. The AIR!
Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky : Oh, and don't forget the corpses.
Oz : All right, maybe he won't come after us. Maybe he'll just let us go.
[Cynthia just looks at him]
Oz : All right, maybe I can talk with him, reason with him. I mean, we're friends now, right?
Cynthia : That's what Harry Lefkowitz thought.
Oz : What happened to Harry Lefkowitz?
[Cynthia just looks at him]
Oz : I don't want to know what happened to Harry Lefkowitz.
Frankie Figs : You what? You told Jimmy? What the hell did you do that for?
Oz : I felt sorry for him! I like him. Well, I liked him?
Frankie Figs : So you don't like him no more?
Oz : Well, it's a little hard to maintain a friendship with a man who wants to kill you.
Frankie Figs : If you sold my ass out to Janni, then told me about it, I'd want to ice your ass, too!
Oz : I know.
[Frankie sucks on his teeth]
Oz : You know, I can close that gap for you.
Frankie Figs : Really?
Oz : Yeah, you'd be in and out.
Frankie Figs : You're kidding. This thing right here?
[Oz watches from behind a two-way mirror as Sophie sobbingly confesses to trying to murder him]
Oz : This would be sad if it wasn't so pathetic.
Sgt. Buchanan : You want to talk with her?
Oz : No... no, I don't think so.
Agent Morrissey : I don't blame you.
Oz : You guys know any good divorce lawyers?