Family Guy (TV Series 1999– ) Poster

(1999– )

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Dr. Elmer Hartman, Carter Pewterschmidt, Captain Seamus, God, Announcer...

Photos 

Quotes 

  • Peter Griffin : Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO".

    Brian Griffin : Peter, those are Cheerios.

  • Woman Running Rehab Clinic : What's your name?

    Peter Griffin : Uh

    [looks around and sees a pea on a plate] 

    Peter Griffin : Pea.

    Peter Griffin : [sees a woman crying]  tear uh

    Peter Griffin : [a Griffin flys across the room]  Griffin. yeah that's it, Peter Griffin.

    [pause] 

    Peter Griffin : Oh crap.

  • [Stewie and Brian in the mall] 

    Stewie Griffin : 10 bucks.

    Brian Griffin : Five bucks.

    Stewie Griffin : Eight bucks and I'll do it.

    Brian Griffin : Fine.

    [Stewie goes running through the center courtyard naked] 

    Stewie Griffin : Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me!

    [Stewie walks back to Brian naked] 

    Stewie Griffin : Ha! I am so outrageous. Gimme the cash.

    [Stewie starts counting the money] 

    Brian Griffin : Cold in here?

    Stewie Griffin : Nope, just really small.

  • Glen Quagmire : Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet?

    Meg Griffin : No.

    Glen Quagmire : [Turns to Chris]  Hey Chris, how's it going?

  • Tom Tucker : And now, here's Ollie Williams, with the BlaccuWeather Forecast. Ollie!

    Ollie Williams : IT'S GON' RAIN!

    Tom Tucker : Thanks, Ollie.

  • Interviewer : [Peter is at a job interview]  So, Peter, where do you see yourself in ten years?

    Peter Griffin : [thinks]  Don't say doin' your wife, don't say doin' your wife...

    [out loud] 

    Peter Griffin : Doin' your, er...

    [sees photo of interviewer on the beach with his wife and son] 

    Peter Griffin : ... son?

    [interviewer's shocked expression] 

  • [Peter has accidentally unleashed the 10 plagues] 

    Peter Griffin : There has to be some explanation for this.

    Brian Griffin : You want an explanation?

    [slaps Peter] 

    Brian Griffin : GOD

    [slaps Peter] 

    Brian Griffin : IS

    [slaps Peter] 

    Brian Griffin : PISSED.

  • John Edward : [Peter is in the audience of "Crossing Over with John Edward"]  I'm sensing an 'A'. Does your name begin with an 'A'?

    Peter Griffin : No.

    John Edward : A 'B'?

    Peter Griffin : No.

    John Edward : C? D? E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P...

    Peter Griffin : P! Peter! My name's Peter!

    John Edward : Is your name Peter?

    Peter Griffin : Wow! You are some kind of sorcerer.

  • Lois Griffin : What's going on?

    Stewie Griffin : We're playing house.

    Lois Griffin : The boy is all tied up.

    Stewie Griffin : Roman Polanski's house.

  • Lois Griffin : Peter, why would they make you president?

    Peter Griffin : Probably because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second.

    [makes a loud, yelping sound that resembles a dog bark] 

    Lois Griffin : Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.

  • Peter Griffin : Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass.

  • Peter Griffin : Huh, I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to?

    [Scooby-Doo theme plays] 

    TV Announcer : We now return to The Scooby-Doo Murder Files.

    Fred Jones : Gee whiz, gang. Looks like the killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines and then dumped the body in the river.

    Velma : Jinkies! What a mystery!

    Scooby-Doo : [jumps on Shaggy's arms]  Arroo!

    Fred Jones : You're right Scoob, we're dealing with one sick son of a bitch!

  • Peter Griffin : [during a camping trip in a beautiful forest]  You know, sometimes I feel like the whole world was made just for me...

    [cut to the moon control room from "The Truman Show"] 

    Control Room Director : You think he's on to us, Christof?

    Christof : No, he's an idiot.

  • Lois Griffin : [to Peter]  Hey there, Sweetie! I got a wax this morning and let's just say you're cleared for landing. Huh?

    Glen Quagmire : [from afar]  Giggidy!

  • Peter Griffin : What's wrong, Stewie, don't you wanna pee in the toilet bowl like a big boy? Boy I remember when I learned to use a potty all by myself. I was so proud.

    [Flashbacks to one year ago] 

    Peter Griffin : [Zips up pants]  Hey Lois, I did it.

  • Stewie Griffin : Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know it's funny, I tried to walk home and, um, a lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and, um, oh here's where the story gets fun, uh, you may have noticed I'm missing an ear. Managed to, uh, pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So when you are ready to apologize, just talk into this cup.

  • [Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall] 

    Glen Quagmire : Dear diary: Jackpot.

  • Stewie Griffin : Mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

    Lois Griffin : Meg, can you change Stewie?

    Meg Griffin : Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.

  • Stewie Griffin : Forecast for tomorrow; A few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom.

  • Young Peter Griffin : Why did all the dinosaurs die out?

    Museum Curator : Because you touch yourself at night.

    [Peter looks down in shame] 

  • Glen Quagmire : Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.

  • Peter Griffin : [in Sunday School with several children during story time]  And when you die, you go to a wonderful place called heaven

    [children gasp in delight, Peter starts laughing] 

    Peter Griffin : Nah, I'm just jackin' ya, you'll all rot in the ground.

    [children look horrified] 

  • Peter Griffin : [trying to console Cleveland at audition for a Bachelor show coming up]  It's the fabric, It's the fabric. Let's get your clothes off.

    [takes off Cleveland's shirt and pants] 

    Cleveland : Peter, what is wrong with you? I'm naked.

    Peter Griffin : Oh, god you're self-conscious

    [Peter takes off his shirt and pants too] 

    Peter Griffin : See, now you're not alone.

  • Peter Griffin : Oh, okay, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. Now, a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let 'im kill?

    Brian Griffin : That's, that's not a riddle. That's, that's just terrible.

    Peter Griffin : Wrong! It's the ugly one.

  • Stewie Griffin : Oh, let me guess. Another box with a crank that I turn and turn and turn until... whoo... a clown pops out. Then you laugh, the kids laugh, the dog laughs, and I die a little more inside.

  • Lois Griffin : Peter, you brought this on yourself by putting on those filthy shows.

    Peter Griffin : Oh, Lois, you are so full of...

    [a representative from the FCC blows an air horn, drowning out Peter's final word] 

    Peter Griffin : What? I can't say

    [horn] 

    Peter Griffin : in my own

    [horn] 

    Peter Griffin : house!

    [horn] 

    Peter Griffin : great, Lois! Just

    [horn] 

    Peter Griffin : great! You know, you're lucky you're good at

    [horn] 

    Peter Griffin : my

    [horn] 

    Peter Griffin : or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about, when you

    [horn] 

    Peter Griffin : a lubed up

    [horn] 

    Peter Griffin : of toothpaste in my

    [horn] 

    Peter Griffin : while you

    [horn] 

    Peter Griffin : on a cherry

    [horn] 

    Peter Griffin : Episcopalian

    [horn] 

    Peter Griffin : extension cord

    [horn] 

    Peter Griffin : wetness

    [horn] 

    Peter Griffin : with a parking ticket. That is the best.

  • [the audience cheered and applause] 

    Lois Griffin : Oh my god, they liked it?

    [the audience throws Peter flowers] 

    Lois Griffin : Stop it! Stop clapping right now!

    [the audience stopped cheering and applause] 

    Lois Griffin : What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged, they should be punished! That man has committed murder here this evening, and the victim's name is theater. This is the kind of mind-numbing shlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland. This isn't art, this isn't even entertainment. This... blows!

    [the audience faced on Peter] 

    Peter Griffin : Um...

    [starts to fart long] 

    Peter Griffin : [the audience laughs and gives him cheering and applause] 

    Lois Griffin : See, this is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about.

  • Peter Griffin : Yeah, I'm looking for some toilet training books.

    Salesman : Oh, yes, we can help you there. "Everyone poops" is still the standard, of course. We've also got less popular "Nobody Poops But You".

    Peter Griffin : Huh... well... you see... we're Catholic so... uh...

    Salesman : Oh, well then you want "You're a Naughty Child and that's Concentrated Evil Coming Out of the Back of You".

  • Meg Griffin : Guess what I am.

    Stewie Griffin : Hmm, let me see. The end result of a drunken backseat gropefest and a damaged prophylactic?

  • Angry Man : Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.

    Stewie Griffin : What did you just say?

    Lois Griffin : Stewie, stop fussing.

    Stewie Griffin : Pipe down Lois. Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.

    Stewie Griffin : [furiously kicks the seat in front of him]  Wah wah wah my ears are popping and there's no way to console me Wah! Maybe I'm teething, Maybe I'm hungry, who knows? I'm a baby!

  • Peter Griffin : Say, what happened to the car wash thief?

    Joe Swanson : Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him.

    Peter Griffin : Looks like you got more competition at next year's special people's games, huh?

    Joe Swanson : Nope, he's dead.

  • Peter Griffin : Hey, let's play a game called "I never". You gotta drink if you never did the thing the person says they did.

    Cleveland : I got one - I never slept with a woman with the lights on.

    [everyone drinks] 

    Joe Swanson : I got one - I never slept with Cleveland's wife.

    [Quagmire and Cleveland drink] 

    Peter Griffin : I never did a chick in the Logan airport bathroom.

    [Quagmire drinks] 

    Peter Griffin : [later, Quagmire has 20 beers on the table]  Oh, God, what else is there? I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance.

    Glen Quagmire : Oh, God!

    [Quagmire drinks] 

    Joe Swanson : I never picked up an illegal alien from Home Depot to take me home and choke me while I touch myself.

    Glen Quagmire : Oh, God!

    [Quagmire drinks] 

    Peter Griffin : Same thing except with a chick from JoAnn Fabrics.

    Glen Quagmire : Oh, Come on, this is getting ridiculous!

    [Quagmire drinks] 

    Glen Quagmire : [he passes out] 

    Joe Swanson : Boy, he's out cold.

    Peter Griffin : Let's write on him!

  • [repeated line] 

    Glen Quagmire : Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy-giggidy!

  • [the Griffins have inherited a mansion. Stewie is being waited on] 

    Stewie Griffin : You. Cut my eggs.

    [waiter cuts his eggs] 

    Waiter : Your eggs are cut sir.

    Stewie Griffin : Now cut my milk.

    Waiter : Uh, I can't sir, it's liquid.

    Stewie Griffin : [slaps him]  IDIOT. Freeze it, then CUT it. And if you ever question me again, I shall put you on diaper detail. And believe me, I will not make it easy on you.

  • Stewie : [plucks a banjo]  Oh! I feel so delightfully white trash! Mummy, I want a mullet!

  • Glen Quagmire's Mom : Here now, have milk.

    [shows Glen Quagmire her breasts] 

    Glen Quagmire : All right!

    [starts sucking on her breast] 

  • Brian Griffin : Well, if you want to be a hero right now it might be a good time.

    Peter Griffin : Geez, Brian, this isn't what I was expecting, I thought being a hero would be all fun and games.

    Peter Griffin : [cut to Peter with the Justice League]  Sorry, Wonder Woman, I got three kings. Now let's see your pair.

    [Wonder Woman sighs, then removes her bustier] 

    Peter Griffin : [laughs]  All right!

    [looks offscreen] 

    Peter Griffin : Robin, what are you looking at me for? Look at her.

  • Peter Griffin : I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together.

    Announcer : [for Homicide: Life on Sesame Street]  This show contains adult content, and is brought to you by the letter H.

    Bert : [answering phone]  Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.

    [gets out of bed and gets dressed] 

    Bert : Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.

    Ernie : Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.

    Bert : Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the *damn* bed.

    Ernie : Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.

  • Stewie Griffin : Do these huggies make my ass look big?

  • Brian Griffin : Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.

    Peter Griffin : I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.

  • Tom Tucker : Now let's go to Greg The Weather Mime. OK... it's going to be cold... lots of wind... and it looks like parents are going to throw human fecal matter from the rooftops onto their children... oh, GOD. That's awful. No wait, it looks like rain. Yes, rain.

  • Lois Griffin : My therapist said we should try a trick called "role reversal", it's where you pretend to be the person who makes you angry. Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's stupid and worthless and you should only listen to me, Peter.

    Peter Griffin : I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales but I won't let Peter buy anything he likes like that neon beer sign with the chick who had two mugs for jugs. It was only $8 and we had a dozen places to put it.

    Stewie : I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug.

    Brian Griffin : I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim.

  • [Peter is visting Willy Wonka's chocolate factory] 

    Willy Wonka : I'll ask you one more time - are you sure you didn't eat anything in my factory?

    [Peter has become a giant blueberry] 

    Peter Griffin : No.

    Willy Wonka : I'm just asking...

    Peter Griffin : What? Are you calling me a liar?

    Willy Wonka : No, I'm just saying...

    Peter Griffin : Hey, shut up, Wonka!

  • Stewie Griffin : Okay, I got it, I got it. If you cooked anymore slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you need an egg calendar.

    [laughs] 

    Stewie Griffin : Oh, that's right, I went there.

    [cut to Happy Go-Lucky Toys, Inc] 

    Peter Griffin : Okay, okay, wait, here's another one. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to them.

    [everybody laughs] 

    Man : Good one Peter.

    Man 2 : That's what they're for all right.

    Lady : Are you telling jokes? I love jokes.

    Peter Griffin : All right, then you'll love this one, okay. Why do women have boobs?

    [she stares at him angrily] 

    Peter Griffin : So you got something to look at while you're talking to them

    [she's shocked, then Peter laughs] 

    Peter Griffin : So you got something you look at while you're talking to them

    [laughs] 

    Peter Griffin : So you got - Y-you want to see me, Mr. Weed?

  • Stewie Griffin : I don't need to $@%# impress you.

  • Hooker : Hey

    Lois Griffin : Peter, there's a hooker in the bed!

    Peter Griffin : Stand still, Lois. Their vision is based on movement

    [they stand still] 

    Hooker : Where did you go?

  • Lois Griffin : Chris where have you been?

    Chris Griffin : Dad took me to see a plastic surgeon to have liposuction but I didn't have it done.

    Lois Griffin : Good for you Chris. That was a very grown-up decision. I mean what kind of egomanical pretentious jerk gets liposuction.

    Peter Griffin : [in a very sexy voice]  Hello!

  • [Peter is receiving communion] 

    Peter Griffin : Wow, is that really the blood of Christ?

    Preacher : Yes.

    Peter Griffin : Wow, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?

  • Stewie Griffin : Oh, I must give you my e-mail address. It's loismustdie, all one word, at yahoo dot com.

  • [looking at whales] 

    Chris Griffin : Dad, what's the blowhole for?

    Peter Griffin : I'll tell you what it's not for. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.

  • Stewie Griffin : They're getting nude! I mustn't watch, it's not the proper thing to... Wow! I say, nice ones, Janine! And look at Lisa in all of her curvaceous glory! Heavens, it appears that my weewee has been stricken with rigor mortis!

  • Lois Griffin : Don't try to pawn this off on your sister! She's a good girl!

    Chris Griffin : Oh, yeah? Well, what about the time she strangled our other sister?

    Lois Griffin : Oh, honey, we told you... that never happened. It was just a bad dream.

    Chris Griffin : But I remember it so...

    Lois Griffin , Peter Griffin : IT WAS A DREAM!

  • Lois Griffin : Meg, put your bib on.

    Meg Griffin : I don't want to wear a bib.

    Lois Griffin : Meg, honey, it's very cold in here. Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on.

    Peter Griffin : She means your nipples are sticking out.

  • Stewie Griffin : [trying to get Brian's attention]  Look, I'm writing profanity on the walls!

    [Stewie has written "poppycock"] 

  • Peter Griffin : Step aside, its time for me to do my fatherly duty.

    [laughs] 

    Peter Griffin : I said duty, but no time to laugh about it now.

  • LaDonne : Hi, gorgeous man!

    Stewie Griffin : Oh, you... Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver?

    LaDonne : Stewie, this is Jeremy!

    Jeremy : Hey, little man!

    [pats him on the head] 

    Jeremy : So you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend!

    Stewie Griffin : Wha- you- Girlfriend? Oh, what kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at?

    LaDonne : Stewie sounds a little cranky. I'll put him to bed.

    [picks him up] 

    Stewie Griffin : [takes Jeremy's hat as he's carried away]  Ha! I've got your hat! Take that, Hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hacky-sack tournee! I'm not going to lie down for some frat-boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal bandits and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitch, crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky-buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded "Simpsons" episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow." Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you?

    [shouts] 

    Stewie Griffin : So does everyone else! That is *exactly* the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at one in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder!

  • Lois Griffin : [talking to Chris]  We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.

    Peter Griffin : She's right, son. Listen to what it says.

    Lois Griffin : Peter!

  • Peter Griffin : Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.

  • Peter Griffin : Do you have any past injuries, physical anomalies?

    Peter Griffin : Well, I didn't have gas for the first time 'til I was 30.

    [flashback to Peter in the 1970s, sitting on a beanbag reading] 

    Peter Griffin : [farting noise] 

    Peter Griffin : What the hell was that?

  • Peter Griffin : If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?

    Glen Quagmire : Taylor Hanson.

    Joe Swanson : Taylor Hanson is a guy.

    Glen Quagmire : [laughs]  You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."

    Peter Griffin : No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.

    Glen Quagmire : What? That's insane. That's impossible.

    [pause] 

    Glen Quagmire : Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these magazines. Oh god.

  • Peter Griffin : At least they don't put their feminine ointments next to the mustard, Lois. That was the worst hot dog I ever ate.

  • Peter Griffin : I tried finding my talent like you said. First, I tried art.

    [flashback] 

    Peter Griffin : Am I... am I supposed to draw the penis?

    Peter Griffin : Then I tried sculpting.

    [flashback] 

    Peter Griffin : Am I... am I supposed to sculpt the penis?

    Peter Griffin : Then I tried music.

    [flashback] 

    Peter Griffin : Am I... am I supposed to conduct with my penis?

  • Stewie Griffin : [controlling a robot Peter]  Blast, you vile woman!

    Peter Griffin : Blast, you vile woman!

    Stewie Griffin : Ugh, that'll never do... translator. You there, with the severe aesthetic deficiencies!

    Peter Griffin : Hey, ugly!

    Stewie Griffin : Excellent. Hahahahaha!

    Peter Griffin : Sweet. Hehehehehe!

  • Stewie Griffin : Up! Stewie wants to go uppie! Mmm, mama's skin's so soft...

    Lois Griffin : Oh, aren't you affectionate tonight. Well,let me give you a kiss...

    Stewie Griffin : Another! Another! Mama has candy kisses!

    Brian Griffin : All right, that's enough!

    [laves the table in disgust] 

    Lois Griffin : Stewie... did you unhook mommy's bra?

  • Peter Griffin : NOOOOOO. Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn longears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. Anyway, what was that you were saying?

  • Stewie Griffin : [after Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style"]  Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the Wright Brothers.

  • Peter Griffin : Dad, now that you're retired, you're staying with us. No arguments, I'm putting my foot down.

    Francis Griffin : I don't want to be a bother.

    Peter Griffin : It's no bother, is it Lois?

    Lois Griffin : Of course not, we'd love to have you stay.

    Francis Griffin : You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. Maybe you'll just go to Purgatory with all the unbaptized babies.

    Peter Griffin : You hear that Lois? You love kids.

  • Waitress : Here you go, fella. From Flappy himself.

    Stewie Griffin : I don't care if they...

    [Stewie is force-fed a bite of pancakes] 

    Stewie Griffin : Oh... oh these are delectable. Hey, Flappy. Good news. I've decided not to kill you.

  • Lois Griffin : Meg... is that a real Prada bag? How did you make $1100 as a waitress in a week?

    Meg Griffin : It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby. Ha ha ha ha...

    Peter Griffin : Whoa, whoa, whoa, Meg. When did you become a teenager?

    Lois Griffin : Peter, she's sixteen.

    Peter Griffin : You KNEW about this?

  • [Peter with Charles Manson and the Manson Family] 

    Peter Griffin : Guys. I got invited to Sharon Tate's house. Now you can come, but you gotta promise not to embarrass me.

  • Lois Griffin : Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.

    Brian Griffin : Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.

    Peter Griffin : [flashback]  I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I would never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life.

    [Lois slugs Peter, knocking him out - cut to nighttime] 

    Peter Griffin : I awoke several hours later in a daze.

  • [Stewie's bath turns to blood] 

    Stewie Griffin : How positively delightful... it's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble.

  • Peter Griffin : Christmas is the time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living and we sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep.

  • Brian Griffin : This was even stupider than that time that Peter locked his keys out of his car.

  • Peter Griffin : Our children our greatest treasure. They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave her feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard. That was the worst sandwich I ever ate! She flosses in bed. She snores like a wildebeest. She freed Willie Horton. She nailed Donna Rice.

    Lois Griffin : Peter, that's enough.

    Peter Griffin : Eats babies.

    [crowd applauds] 

  • Peter Griffin : Lois you know my rule, You are only allowed to sleep with three people besides me, Gene Simmons, John Schneider or Boba Fett.

    Boba Fett : All right! Goodbye virginity!

  • Baliff : Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

    Peter Griffin : I do... ya bastard.

  • Janet : Hi. Cookie?

    Stewie Griffin : Well, it's Stewie, but... you can call me "cookie" if you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis, " "Agent Buckwald" and "Snake." Yes, I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin.

    [wiggles his tongue like a snake] 

  • Peter Griffin : Joe, I've had new neighbors before but none of them were half the man you are. And since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.

  • Meg Griffin : I finally get my driver's license and the car gets taken away, how ironic.

    Peter : Meg, don't talk to your mother that way, she is not an iron.

  • Auctioner : Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.

    Glen Quagmire : Fifty bucks.

    Auctioner : She had nine STDs.

    Glen Quagmire : Forty-five bucks.

    Auctioner : And when we caught her she wet herself.

    Glen Quagmire : Fifty bucks.

  • [on buying a coffin... ] 

    Peter Griffin : I'll take it, but I won't pay a cent over $60.

    Coffin Salesman : Sir that casket costs $1000.

    Peter Griffin : 70 bucks.

    Coffin Salesman : Huh?

    Peter Griffin : 2000 bucks.

    Coffin Salesman : That's twice what it costs.

    Peter Griffin : [pauses]  40 bucks.

    Coffin Salesman : What?

    Brian : He... he doesn't know how to haggle.

  • Peter Griffin : [opening drawer]  Hey, Lois, there's a Bible in here!

    [He opens the book and dances around with it] 

    Peter Griffin : Hey, look at me! I'm a Christian! I'm reading the Bible!

  • Peter Griffin : [Peter enters Meg's classroom wearing a towel]  Hey Meg, you mind cleaning out the shower the next time you shave your legs? It's like a carpet in there.

  • Peter Griffin : Hey, Mort, do these suppositories come in any other flavors?

    Mort Goldman : Peter! You're not eating those, are you?

    Peter Griffin : [sarcastically]  No, I'm shoving them up my butt. Of course I'm eating them.

  • Tom Tucker : Coming up next: Diane's weight.

  • Lois Griffin : Peter, Stewie peed on the carpet again.

    Peter Griffin : Do... do I rub his nose in it?

  • [watching the sunset] 

    Lois Griffin : Oh, Peter, I love you.

    Peter Griffin : [looks at watch]  Uhh, about a quarter past five.

  • Brian Griffin : Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.

    Chris Griffin : That would explain all the gravity.

  • Tooth #1 : I claim this mouth in the name of incisor!

    Tooth #2 : Not so fast!

    Tooth #1 : Ah, bicuspid, we meet again. En garde!

  • Lois Griffin : [shimmies around]  Remember this? Remember?

    Peter Griffin : Oh yeah that reminds me, I gotta give myself a breast exam.

    Peter Griffin : [reaches into shirt and feels chest]  Oh my God, a lump. A lump, oh no a lump, oh God... No, wait, Cheetoh.

    [pulls Cheetoh out of shirt and eats it] 

  • [an extremely obese Peter and Brian are sitting on the dock] 

    Boy : Daddy, what's that?

    Father : Well son, that's Mercury, the closest planet to the sun. What it's doing down here on the wharf I haven't the foggiest, we should probably go ask a scientist.

    Peter Griffin : I'm a man jackass.

  • [Stewie and Brian are trying to sleep in a motel, a drug deal is heard in the next room] 

    Drug Buyer : You got the stuff?

    Drug Dealer : Yeah I got it, where's the money, huh? I wanna see the money.

    Drug Buyer : No, no, no, you don't see the money 'till I see the stuff.

    Stewie Griffin : Oh, for God's sake, there's only one way to put an end to this nuisance.

    [yelling] 

    Stewie Griffin : HE'S WEARING A WIRE!

    Drug Dealer : What? You son of a...

    [gunshots are heard following by a "body drop" sound effect] 

  • Peter Griffin : So if I walk through you, does that mean that we've, you know, done it?

    Ghost : Geez, what's with you and the gay jokes?

  • Peter Griffin : Hey, where's my VCR?

    Hillbilly #1 : Dangit, Buck, it's my turn to use the sex box.

    Hillbilly #2 : It's *my* sex box. And her name is Sony.

  • [Hanson has showed up, asking to use the phone] 

    Peter Griffin : Oh my god. It's the Children of the Corn.

  • Brian Griffin : She's a whiney little runt isn't she?

    [Lois gasps] 

    Brian Griffin : I said runt.

  • [Death holds up a document that Peter doctored to proclaim he was dead to avoid having to pay his medical bills] 

    Peter Griffin : Where did you get that?

    Death : It was e-mailed to me by your HMO.

  • [observing Brian at a dog race] 

    Carter Pewterschmidt : Oh my god. He's violating Sea Breeze.

    Peter Griffin : No, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... OK, NOW he's violating Sea Breeze.

  • Dennis Miller : I don't want to go on a rant, here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate...

    [Peter is watching this on TV] 

    Peter Griffin : What the hell does rant mean?

  • Meg Griffin : Mom, you can't get a job. The last time you left Dad alone in the house he turned it into a giant puppet.

    [Scene switches to Peter yelling in a megaphone while moving the roof of the house up and down] 

    Peter Griffin : Hey. Hey. Stay out of here. Hey. You better not come in here. I'm the Griffin's house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.

  • Brian : You recently returned from the Philippines. Where you made love to two Filipino women. And a man.

    Quagmire : You mean THREE Filipino women.

    [pauses] 

    Quagmire : Ahhhhhhh!

  • Teacher : In French, to say yes you say oui-oui.

    [Peter starts laughing] 

    Peter Griffin : Oh, man, that's hysterical.

    [keeps laughing] 

    Peter Griffin : Hey, what do you say for no, doo-doo?

    [laughs] 

    Peter Griffin : Hey, I'll be right back. I've got to go take a wicked yes.

  • Peter Griffin : Lois, I can't find my favorite pair of underwear.

    Lois : Which one? The one where you ripped hole in it from when you got stuck in that airplane bathroom from when you got the trots?

    Peter Griffin : No, I'm looking for the pair from when I had to hold it in because it was that extra long Palm Sunday service and I thought blowing gas would offend Jesus so I let it rip in the vestibule after service and it sounded like Louie Armstrong.

    Lois Griffin : Top drawer.

  • Meg Griffin : Somebody's in the closet!

    Jeff Foxworthy : You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it.

    Stewie Griffin : You suck!

  • Brian : Peter, this is the final plague.

    Peter : Good 'cause this is starting to get boring.

    Brian : Peter, the final plague is the death of the first born son.

    Peter : Oh, no! Stewie!

    Brian : First born...

    Peter : Meg!

    Brian : [beat]  Your wife.

    Peter : Chris!

  • [a police officer pulls Peter over in his car] 

    Police Officer : License and reg... hey, aren't you the guy who found out he's part black?

    Peter Griffin : Yes I am.

    Police Officer : [into walkie-talkie]  Report of a possible stolen vehicle.

    Peter Griffin : But this is my car.

    Police Officer : Suspect becoming beligerent.

    Peter Griffin : Wha...

    Police Officer : Officer down.

    [Officer falls to ground, police cars surround Peter] 

  • Lois Griffin : Brian, you've really been enjoying your wine lately.

    Brian Griffin : It's only my second glass.

    [takes a sip from a 7-11 Big Gulp cup] 

  • Stewie Griffin : [in a Southern accent]  Warm out today. Warm out yesterday. Even warmer today.

    [strums up his banjo] 

    Stewie Griffin : [singing]  Met her on my CB / Said her name was Mimi / Sounded like an angel come to Earth /

    Banjo Chorus : Come to Earth /

    Stewie Griffin : But when I finally meet her / Boy, you should've seen her / Twice as tall as me, three times the girth /

    Banjo Chorus : Girth /

    Stewie Griffin : Oh, my fat baby loves to eat /

    Banjo Chorus : Loves to eat /

    Stewie Griffin : A big old Buddha belly, and her breasts swing past her feet /

    Stewie Griffin : Oh, my fat baby loves to eat /

    Banjo Chorus : Eat /

    Stewie Griffin : My big ol' fatass baby loves to eat!

    Stewie Griffin : [shouts]  I GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!

  • Stewie Griffin : [to Peter]  When the world is mine, your death should be quick and painless.

    [leaves] 

  • Peter Griffin : Now, I know you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.

  • Brian Griffin : Look at you. You spent all that time making Chris jealous and now you have an eating disorder.

    Stewie Griffin : Help me up.

    Brian Griffin : I would but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting.

  • Peter Griffin : I'm going to go to the bathroom.

    [walks into an outhouse] 

    Peter Griffin : Lois, I don't think it's a toilet. It's just a hole.

    [an animal knocks over the outhouse] 

    Peter Griffin : OH! OH GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE! IT'S IN MY RACCOON WOUNDS!

  • [Peter is watching a movie] 

    Brian Griffin : [walks into the room]  What are you watching, Peter?

    Peter Griffin : "Passion of the Christ." I tell you Brian - I can't believe that this guy's just lying there taking it. If it was me I would have done something...

    [cut to Peter as Jesus being whipped by a Roman Guard] 

    Peter Griffin : Aahh! Ahhh! Aaaaahh! Aaahhh!

    [stops screaming] 

    Peter Griffin : Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it!

    Roman Guard : Okay...

    Peter Griffin : Okay?

    Roman Guard : Okay...

    Peter Griffin : All right.

  • Man : Say Phil, what do you say to Happy Hour after work?

    Phil : I'd say looks like Cheryl's gonna have another black eye to explain to the neighbours.

    [both laugh] 

    Phil : Come on, I'm buyin

  • Diane Simmons : Our suspect may look something like this. And we have received an anonymous tip with a new lead!

    Tom Tucker : We now go live with Hispanic reporter Maria J... j...

    Diane Simmons : Jimenez.

    Tom Tucker : I know how to say it!

  • Peter Griffin : Lois, are you high?

    Lois Griffin : No, I crashed out about an hour ago.

  • Peter Griffin : [Peter writing a letter to Fox]  If you don't put 'Coach' back on the air i'll be really upset. the skillful acting of Craig T. Nelson will be missed a lot. Signed Peter Griffin.

    [White-out spills on the paper, making it say "If you don't put Coach back on the air, I'll kill Craig T. Nelson."] 

    Peter Griffin : [sometime later; answering the door]  Craig T. Nelson!

    Craig T. Nelson : Are you Peter Griffin?

    Peter Griffin : Yeah.

    Craig T. Nelson : [Hands him a pistol]  Make it quick.

  • Brian Griffin : Well, Peter, if you pull a party out of your ass you better stand up.

  • Stewie Griffin : Ha ha. Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening.

  • Police Officer : Hey. That's Against the law. You're coming with me.

    Peter Griffin : [singing to the tune of U Can't Touch this]  Ah ah ah. Can't Touch Me/ Can't Touch me/ Ja ja ja ja just like the bad guy/ from Lethal Weapon 2/ I've got diplomatic Immunity/ so Hammer, you can't sue/ I can write graffiti even jay-walk in the streets/ I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat/ Can't touch me/ Can't touch me/

    Adam West : What in God's name is he doing?

    Peter Griffin : Can't Touch me.

    Cleveland : I believe that's the worm.

    Peter Griffin : [still singing]  Can't touch me/ STOP, Peter time/ I'm a big shot, there's no doubt/ light a fire then pee it out/ Don't like it, kiss my rump/ Just for a minute, let's all do the bump/ Can't touch me/ Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump/ Can't touch me/ I'm Presidential Peter/ Interns think I'm hot/ Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot/ I've been around the world/ from Hartford to Back Bay/ It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter, Let's see Regis rap this way/ Can't touch me.

  • Stewie Griffin : [Picking up the phone]  Hello, operator. Hello... Oh god, that's right you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. Uhhh, I should know this. Oh yes,

    [dialing number] 

    Stewie Griffin : 867-5309, yes that's it. Wait that's not it, damn you Tommy Two-Tone. Huh, only one thing to do 111-1111, Lois? Damn. 111-1112 Lois? DAMN. 111-1113...

  • Glen Quagmire : The Griffins. Bunch of card-carrying Commies if you ask me. All right.

  • Peter Griffin : Nothing else has worked this far / So I wish upon a star / Wonderous shining speck of light / I need a Jew / Lois makes me take the rap / Cause our checkbook looks like crap / Since I can't give her a slap / I need a Jew / Where to find / A Baum or Steen or Stein / To teach me how to whine and do my taaaaaxesss... / Though by many they're abhorred / Hebrew people I've adored / I don't think they killed my Lord / I need a Jew.

  • Peter Griffin : Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.

    Brian Griffin : The Bradys?

    Peter Griffin : Oh, hell yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers ah, you name it.

    [Aunt Jemimah pops up in the window with a plate of pancakes] 

    Aunt Jemimah : You folks want some pancakes?

    Peter Griffin : No thank you. See, that's the worse we got is, uh Jemimah's Witnesses.

  • Peter Griffin : [clearing his throat]  Excuse me but I'm pretty sure the north won the war.

    [dead silence] 

  • Peter Griffin : Lois, our son has been blessed with a great gift. And I am going to everything I can to nurture that talent and help him succeed, then I'm going to use him to live out all my frustrated hopes and dreams. Because that's good parenting, right Bing Crosby?

    Bing Crosby : That's right Peter, and if your kids give you any lip you can beat them with a sack of sweet Velency Oranges. They won't leave a bruise and it'll let 'em know who's boss, there's nooo doubt about it.

    Peter Griffin : That... That doesn't sound right.

    Bing Crosby : Are you givin' me lip boy? Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack down on you, is that what you want?

    [takes his belt off and whips Peter a few times] 

  • Glen Quagmire : Don't look at me like that. Fat chicks need love too... but they got to pay.

  • Stewie Griffin : You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.

  • [Meg walks in on Quagmire with a hooker] 

    Glen Quagmire : Hey, Meg, you just bought me another three minutes. Giggidy giggidy giggidy.

  • Lois Griffin : Stewie, why don't you go play in the other room?

    Stewie Griffin : Why don't you burn in hell?

    Lois Griffin : Well, no dessert for you, young man.

  • Stewie Griffin : [hitting on some co-eds]  I must say, the most recent campus sporting event was quite spectacular.

    Co-ed : Aw. Are you in a fraternity, little boy?

    Stewie Griffin : Not yet, but I'm thinking of joining I Felta Thigh.

  • Peter Griffin : People make up lies all the time. You know Vietnam? Never happened.

    Brian Griffin : Yeah, but don't mention it around the Veteran's Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.

  • [a fat Stewie is sitting on the porch] 

    Stewie Griffin : Damn you, ice cream, come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me!

    [to passersby] 

    Stewie Griffin : What are you looking at, you infantile stupid? That's right, damn you and such.

  • Lois Griffin : This can be a great opportunity for you and Stewie to bond.

    Peter Griffin : Bond... James Bond. I'll do it.

  • Lois Griffin : Kids, stop fighting or we won't go to McDonalds after church.

    Meg, Chris : MOM!

    Peter Griffin : OK, we can go... but you can't supersize.

    Chris Griffin : Awwwwwwwwwww...

    Peter Griffin : OK, you can supersize but no apple pie.

    Meg Griffin : Oh, come on.

    Peter Griffin : OK, you can have an apple pie but you can't blow on it.

  • [Peter is talking in his sleep] 

    Peter Griffin : Oh, Jenny... ooh, Jenny, Ooh, Jenny don't stop... Oh, Richard Jeni, your HBO comedy specials have brought laughter to millions. And what a sweet ass.

  • Peter Griffin : This party couldn't be better if Jesus was here.

    Jesus : For my next miracle, I will turn water... into FUNK.

    [set turns into disco] 

  • Stewie Griffin : [looking in the fridge for a drink]  Soda... purple stuff... Sunny D, all right!

  • [Peter has taken some politicians to a strip joint, where one of them has accidentally killed one of the strippers] 

    Peter Griffin : You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat, you may have killed her when you hit her with the stool... I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her... smoking!

  • [we see a flashback of Stewie with a normal, round head, jumping up and down on the bed] 

    Stewie : I can jump on the bed all I want. You're not my mother.

    [Stewie hits his head on the ceiling, squashing it into its more familiar rugby-ball shape] 

    Brian Griffin : Oh my God, are you all right?

    Stewie : Fine. Why do you ask?

  • Stewie : I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things", not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up".

  • Peter Griffin : Hold on, hold on. I'm sorry, but that is a really boring story. I haven't been this bored since that stupid drive-in movie.

    [Flashback to Peter sitting at a drive-in, facing the wrong way] 

  • [repeated line] 

    Stewie : What the deuce?

  • Peter Griffin : You all know how observant I am.

    TV Announcer : And now back to Star Trek.

    Peter Griffin : Holy crap. Uhura's black?

  • [Quagmire is talking to a woman from New York] 

    Glen Quagmire : Hey there little lady. Why don't you turn around and show me your Lower East Side.

    Woman (in deep voice) : Sure.

    Glen Quagmire : Whoa. Transvestite, back off. Wait a minute... pre-op or post-op?

    Woman : Pre-op.

    Glen Quagmire : Whoa. Transvestite, back off.

  • Peter Griffin : Hey, what's your friend's name?

    Al Gore : Dick Armey.

    Peter Griffin : [laughs]  No, seriously, what is it?

    Al Gore : [beat]  ... Dick Armey.

    Peter Griffin : [bursts out laughing]  Hey, Armey, what's your wife's name, Vagina Coastguard?

    [continues to laugh] 

    Al Gore : [laughs]  Oh, I just got that.

  • [Family is sitting at Table. After Apocalypse. Eating eggs on random pieces of metal] 

    Lois Griffin : It's Ok. Right before the Apocalypse, Peter bought a year's worth of food.

    [Camera Goes to Peter. He's just finishing off the last of the food] 

    Lois Griffin : PETER. You just finished off a years supply of food.

    Peter Griffin : What a waste. I'm still hungry.

    [Peter drinks a glass of water and gets really bloated] 

    Peter Griffin : Everyone leave. I have to poop.

    [Everyone looks at him] 

    Peter Griffin : NOW.

  • Stewie Griffin : It's not that I want to kill Lois... it's just that I don't want her to be alive any more.

  • Lois Griffin : To hell with the cameras! How could we ever let them replace our little girl? Oh, I miss her, Peter.

    Peter Griffin : Me, too. She's like that dorky Baldwin brother who isn't as good-looking or successful and never answers my letters, but he's still a Baldwin, damn it!

  • Stewie : HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh! Excluding that first "ha".

  • Tom Tucker : We'll return with a report on the clitoris: Nature's Rubik's cube.

  • Joe Swanson : Peter, it's over.

    Peter Griffin : Over? What are you talking about? What kind of talk is that? It's un-American. Did George W. Bush quit even after losing the popular vote? No! Did he quit after losing millions of dollars of his father's money in failed oil companies? No! Did he quit after knocking that girl up? No! Did he quit after he got that DUI? No! Did he quit after he got busted for drunk and disorderly conduct at a football game? No! Did he quit...

    Joe Swanson : I get the message, Peter.

  • Protestors : Free Tibet! Free Tibet!

    Peter Griffin : I'll take it!

    [He runs to a nearby phone booth] 

    Peter Griffin : Hello, China? I have something you may want. But it's gonna cost ya. That's right. All the tea.

  • Tom Tucker : Coming up next: Can bees think? A new study indicates that no, they cannot.

  • Doctor : Mr. Griffin, all your tests came back negative. As it turns out, the lump on your chest is just a fatty corpusle.

    Peter Griffin : Fatty Corpusle? Wait a minute... How the hell can a dead comedian from the silent movie era be lodged in my left bosom?

  • Glen Quagmire : HEY GET THE HELL OFF MY... well hello lips, legs, breasts, and ass.

  • Meg Griffin : [irate after being replaced on a Griffin Family reality show]  How could you let them replace me?

    Peter Griffin : Believe me, Meg, it was better than Plan B.

    [Cut to the operating tent from M*A*S*H] 

    Peter Griffin : [Brian walks in]  Brian, put a mask on!

    Brian Griffin : I have an announcement: The plane carrying Meg Griffin was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors.

    Stewie Griffin : [enters wearing a dress]  Who do I see about a Section Eight?

  • Peter Griffin : Lois, come see what I did with the money your dad gave me.

    Lois Griffin : Oh my God. You turned the den into Pee-Wee's Playhouse?

    Peter Griffin : [singing]  Come on, get up / Knock off your napping / It's a crazy, messed up place where anything can happen / There's a chair that freakin' talks. Hey look! / There's some fish that give advice. Holy crap / It's screwey at Peter's Playhouse. Ha ha ha. Watch this, Lois.

    [imitates Pee-Wee] 

    Peter Griffin : Hewy Jambi.

    Brian Griffin : [as Jambi the Genie]  Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hinie - God, I hate you so much.

    Lois Griffin : Peter, that reparation money should be going to worthy black charity.

    Peter Griffin : Lois, the King of Cartoons will be here in 5 minutes. I will not have you embarrass me.

    Lois Griffin : Peter, you're acting ridiculous.

    Peter Griffin : [everyone screams, "Ridiculous" flashes at the bottom of the screen]  You said the secret word!

  • Peter Griffin : That's about as funny as Sinbad. Not the comedian, he's hilarious. The sailor. But then again he was never meant to be funny.

  • [Brian tries to distract an angry mob of rednecks] 

    Brian Griffin : Hey, look over there! It's a newly married inter-racial gay couple burning the American Flag!

  • Brian Griffin , Stewie Griffin : [singing]  You and I are / So awfully different / Too awfully different / To ever be pals

    Stewie Griffin : Do you want to go first?

    Brian Griffin : Yeah, I'll go! Your favorite hero is the Marquis de Sade /

    Stewie Griffin : Oh, you're one to talk! You get a stiffy from Felicia Rashad /

    Brian Griffin : Oh, one time!

    [gets a sudden erection] 

    Stewie Griffin : I've a style flair / Just look at my hip hair

    Brian Griffin : Oh yeah, that - that's quite a nice do there /

    Stewie Griffin : Oh, thanks!

    Brian Griffin : [imitating Triumph the Insult Comic Dog]  For me to POOP on!

    Stewie Griffin : What?

    Brian Griffin : Oh, come on! You look like Charlie Brown!

    Stewie Griffin : Oh, bite me, Snoopy!

    Brian Griffin , Stewie Griffin : There's not / A whole lot / That we've got / To agree on

    Brian Griffin : 'Cause I love the strings of a classical score /

    Stewie Griffin : And I like that singer who looks like a whore /

    Brian Griffin : Ricky Martin?

    Stewie Griffin : Love him!

    Brian Griffin , Stewie Griffin : We're too different to ever be pals /

  • Doctor : Mayor West, I'm afraid you have lymphoma.

    Adam West : Oh.

    Doctor : Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.

    Adam West : I see.

    Doctor : What in God's name were you trying to prove?

    Adam West : I was trying to gain super powers.

    Doctor : Well, that's just silly!

    Adam West : Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes.

  • Stewie Griffin : The life of the wife is ended by the knife.

  • Stewie Griffin : Voice control... Hi, I'm Chris.

    Chris Griffin : Hi, I'm Chris.

    Stewie Griffin : Eviscerate the proletariat!

    Chris Griffin : Eviscerate the proletariat!

    Stewie Griffin : [sings]  If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits?

    Chris Griffin : Puttin' on the ritz!

    Stewie Griffin : Not my bit, but funny still.

  • Peter Griffin : [Peter has taken a hose to the staircase and sprayed it with water]  Hey, Brian, I made a waterslide with the stairs!

    [goes down the stairs hitting bumps until he hurts himself, and starts crying like a little kid] 

    Brian Griffin : I'm not going to call the hospital because you wouldn't learn anything if I do.

  • Stewie Griffin : The port is quite good.

    Brian Griffin : Yes, quite good.

    Chris Griffin : Indeed.

    Peter Griffin : Most certainly.

    Brian Griffin : What year is it?

    Chris Griffin : '51.

    Peter Griffin : Ah.

    Stewie Griffin : Delectable.

    Brian Griffin : Indeed.

    Chris Griffin : Yes.

    Peter Griffin : [Peter bursts into flames]  Oh, dear.

    Brian Griffin : What is it?

    Peter Griffin : I spontaneously combusted.

    Stewie Griffin : Oh, I am sorry.

    Peter Griffin : Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.

    Stewie Griffin : Ah, very good then.

    Chris Griffin : For the best.

    Brian Griffin : Yes, indeed.

    Stewie Griffin : Tsk-uh! Is it raining again?

  • Bonnie Swanson : Yeah, I don't want to bring a baby into the world with a man like him running around.

    Peter Griffin : Ok, first of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for like six years. Either have the baby or don't. Secondly, Quagmire's a good guy, he...

    Bonnie Swanson : [Peter is attacked by the giant chicken and a five-minute fight ensues] 

  • Stewie Griffin : You know, it's dangerous for me to be walking around the mall at my height. I say, let me get on your back.

    [hops on Brian's back] 

    Brian Griffin : Oh, God!

    Stewie Griffin : Strong with the force young Skywalker is.

    Brian Griffin : I don't believe this.

    Stewie Griffin : That is why you fail!

  • [Peter calls in sick to work] 

    Peter Griffin : Mr Weed, I can't come to work today because I was in a terrible plane crash. My family is dead and I am a vegetable. See you tomorrow.

    [Peter gets caught by his boss] 

    Peter Griffin : Remember that plane crash I had? It turned out to be gas.

  • Brian Griffin : No, Peter. Martin Luther King.

    Peter Griffin : What about the guy who was in Space: The Final Frontier?

    Brian Griffin : That was Martin Landau.

    Peter Griffin : What about the guy who was in House Party?

    Brian Griffin : That was Martin Lawrence.

    Peter Griffin : What about the drink that you put on ice?

    Brian Griffin : That's Martini And Rossi.

    Peter Griffin : What about the guy who was in Apocalypse Now?

    Brian Griffin : He was Mar... Mar... something.

    Peter Griffin : *Wrong*! It was Tom Beringer. We were looking for Tom Beringer.

    Brian Griffin : Well, thanks for having me on the show. I really enjoyed it.

    [pauses] 

    Brian Griffin : [shouts]  Wait a minute!

  • [live hurricane report] 

    Tom Tucker : And now to Ollie Williams, with our live hurricane report. Ollie?

    Ollie Williams : It's rainin' sideways!

    Tom Tucker : Don't you have an umbrella, Ollie?

    Ollie Williams : Had one!

    Tom Tucker : Where is it?

    Ollie Williams : Inside-out, five miles away!

    Tom Tucker : Can we get you anything, Ollie?

    Ollie Williams : Bring me some soup!

    Tom Tucker : What kind?

    Ollie Williams : Chunky!

  • Jasper : So! Do you like "Sex and the City"?

    Brian Griffin : Yeah, it's an all right show.

    Jasper : I wasn't talking about the show. Ooooh I'm nasty!

    [makes a ship horn sound] 

    Jasper : Somebody ship me out to sea!

  • Lois Griffin : Hey, everybody, wait till you see this.

    Peter Griffin : Oh, my God. Moveable printed type. We must keep this from the serfs, lest they gain literacy and threaten the landed gentry.

    Serf : What you got there, m'lord?

    Peter Griffin : Nothing! Back to your turnips!

  • Peter Griffin : All right, I'll talk to him, Lois. But, uh, you know when my father wants something, it's like sex with Kobe Bryant. You can kick and scream all you want, but it's gonna happen.

  • Stewie Griffin : You look like Snoopy and it makes me smile.

  • Police Scanner : We have a gang shooting on Third and Main, three wounded one dead.

    Brian Griffin : Is it me or is rap music just getting lazier?

  • Peter Griffin : [shouts]  Rock lobster!

  • Stewie Griffin : [shouts]  Oh, my God, Jeremy's still in the trunk! How long has it been? Two weeks. Nope, he's dead.

  • Peter Griffin : Yeah which is more than we got from those free loaded Canadians.

    [blank screen appears] 

    Peter Griffin : Canada sucks.

  • Lois Griffin : Peter, you've been wearing that giant cowboy hat for eight months now. Please for your family, take it off.

    Peter Griffin : Hey! I can take this hat off anytime I want. I just don't want to.

    [Everybody wants Peter to take the hat off] 

    Peter Griffin : Get away!

  • Brian Griffin : Oh, my god, that was hilarious!

    Lois Griffin : What does that say into me? Oh, go

    [beep] 

    Lois Griffin : yourself Diane.

    [Brian spits] 

    Stewie Griffin : She said a swear!

  • Stewie Griffin : Damn you! Damn the broccoli! Damn the Wright Brothers!

  • Peter Griffin : Lois, if this is your idea of a joke, you must write for Leno.

    Stewie Griffin : Oh, oh you know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. The fact is the man's out there every bloody night, with fresh material, and he's charming.

  • Quagmire : [walks between two women]  sorry, I didnt mean to come between you... or did I?

  • Olivia : Do you even know what sex IS?

    Stewie Griffin : Now really I- don't change the- is it a kind of cake?

  • Meg Griffin : I want to be a vet when I grow up.

    Peter Griffin : Meg, we have been over this before. You are going to gain 150 pounds and write Ugly Betty Fan Fiction.

  • Peter Griffin : [Dancing to Axel F]  Neh-neh neh neh neh-neh neh neh. Neh-neh neh neh neh-neh neh. Neh neh neh neh-neh neh and then another neh-neh neh neh-neh.

  • Brian Griffin : So, Stewie, how do you feel now that you are a girl?

    Stewie Griffin : I feel right, Brian. I feel right.

  • Brian Griffin : I'm really enjoying playing golf.

    Peter Griffin : You know my great-great-grandfather Angus Griffin invented the game.

    [flashback] 

    Angus Griffin : So, we're all clear on the rules then. No Jews and no blacks.

    Scottish men : Aye.

  • Peter Griffin : Hi. I'm in the other room and I'm trying to get some sleep.

    cheese guy : Look, a wagon wheel.

    Peter Griffin : What the hell's your problem?

    cheese guy : I just smoked a whole bunch of crack.

  • Peter Griffin : [posing as Britney Spears]  How about a kiss, Justin?

    Justin Timberlake : Uh, sure, Britney.

    [they kiss, and Peter transforms] 

    Justin Timberlake : Aaahh!

    Peter Griffin : He, he, he, he! I'm Gene Shalit now.

  • Stewie Griffin : What the hell is this?

    Lois Griffin : It's your favourite honey, tuna salad.

    Stewie Griffin : Oh,really, is that what it is? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.

  • [Stewie builds a dish] 

    Stewie Griffin : [evil laughter]  I've done it!

    [lightning strikes him] 

    Stewie Griffin : Whoa! Oh, goddamn it!

  • Joe Swanson : [siren wails]  Peter Griffin, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up!

    Cleveland : Fooled you!

    [all but Peter laugh] 

    Peter Griffin : Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this?

    Joe Swanson : It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us?

    Peter Griffin : Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic.

    Cleveland : What?

    Joe Swanson : Oh, my God!

    Glen Quagmire : Oh, man!

    Peter Griffin : Fooled you!

    [laughs] 

    Peter Griffin : Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more.

  • Stewie Griffin : [talking to a very old prostitute]  So is there any tread left on the tires or at this point would it be more like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

  • Smurf #1 : Yo, Smurf, that party last night was freakin', Smurf!

    Smurf #2 : You bet your smurf it was!

    Smurf #1 : Hey, I saw you leaving with Smurfette.

    Smurf #2 : Yeah. Right when we left the party, she started smurfin' me.

    Smurf #1 : Shut the smurf up! Right in the smurfing parking lot?

    Smurf #2 : Oh, yeah.

    Smurf #1 : That's freakin' smurf!

    Smurf #2 : You betcha.

    Smurf #1 : Freakin' smurf.

  • Quagmire : Peter, I can remember a dozen times when you've saved our lives

    [Peter walks through a door holding a sword, like in Pulp Fiction, to his friends tied up and gagged] 

    Peter Griffin : Yeah, too bad I got there after the sodomy.

  • Peter Griffin : [throwing his arms up in the air when Lois walks in the door] 

    [shouts] 

    Peter Griffin : I didn't have my hand down my pants!

    Lois Griffin : Good for you.

  • Meg Griffin : Oh. Oh, this is just my bird calls.

    Peter Griffin : Do it again! Do it again!

    [Meg whistles, Big Bird's footsteps approached] 

    Big Bird : Yeah? Well, what'd you want?

    Meg Griffin : Uh...

    Big Bird : You called me, right?

    Meg Griffin : Oh, no, no I wasn't calling you.

    [laughs nervously] 

    Big Bird : Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Y-yeah? Y-you know what pain in the ass is to get across town this time a day, huh?

    Peter Griffin : Listen, uh, but mister we don't want any trouble here.

    Big Bird : I don't fly you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh and people don't stare. You made me puke,

    [spits] 

    Big Bird : bitch.

  • Chris Griffin : I don't have to listen to you! You're a dog! You don't have a soul!

    Brian Griffin : Ouch!

  • [Chris and Meg are fighting over who should have the remote to the TV, and Chris steals Meg's hat and puts it in his pants] 

    Brian Griffin : Hey, aah... You two better settle down... Aah... Chris give Meg her hat...

    Chris Griffin : I don't have to listen to you! You're a dog! You don't have a soul!

    Brian Griffin : Ow!

  • [the eggs in Peter's beard have just hatched] 

    Peter Griffin : Aww, they look just like the kids.

    [Pictures Chris's head on the first bird, Stewie's on the second, trys to remember third child, Meg, but can't, imagines Boba Fett's head on the last bird instead] 

    Peter Griffin : Sweeeeet.

  • Peter Griffin : Boo Lois, yeah beer!

  • Stewie Griffin : If I choose to make stool in my pants right now, you're the only one here to change me. What do you think of that, hmm?

    Brian Griffin : I'm not going to change you.

    Stewie Griffin : What?

    Brian Griffin : I said, I'm not going to change you.

    Stewie Griffin : You can't be serious. Well, what if I make a fudgie? Well, I just won't. I just won't, that's all. I just won't. Blast! I just did!

  • Mr. Rogers : Hello, neighbor. I'm glad we're together again.

    [bell rings] 

    Mr. Rogers : Oh! I think I hear a friend traveling.

    Stewie Griffin : Actually it's your mortal enemy Stewie.

    Mr. Rogers : W-what the?

    Stewie Griffin : I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today Mr. Rogers, I dare say you find it quite in ruins.

    Mr. Rogers : What?

    [Mr. Rogers looks out and all are dead and the cat is on fire] 

    Cat : [meowing]  Skin graft!

    [meowing] 

    Mr. Rogers : Oh, my God!

    Stewie Griffin : That's right! All dead. And now Mr. Rogers ? Fred - may as well drop blood formalities - I'm going to kill you anyway!

    Mr. Rogers : No, please... don't!

    Stewie Griffin : How ironic ? Rogers - it almost rhymes with... eliminate.

    Mr. Rogers : No!

    [Stewie shoots him many times with his gun] 

    Stewie Griffin : [wakes up]  Eh, what, what? What the devil?

    Lois Griffin : It's okay. Stewie we're just tucking you to sleep.

    Mr. Rogers : But now it's time for you to meet Mr. Death.

    Stewie Griffin : [wakes up from nightmare]  Ahh!

  • [trying to get a Scout Merit Badge] 

    Chris Griffin : Uh, Dad, maybe we should just give up. I mean, we've tried everything

    Peter Griffin : Well, we almost got that one for insect study.

    [cut to Peter & Chris watching a rich family eat] 

    Peter Griffin : Look Chris, it's a whole family of WASPs.

    Rich Father : My Margaret, what a sub-par ham.

    Rich Mother : Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.

    [pause] 

    Rich Father : [to daughter]  Patty, did you know your mother is a whore?

  • [while eating a pancake] 

    Stewie Griffin : Oh. Mmm, yes. Oh, God, this is better than *sex*.

  • [looking at himself in a spoon] 

    Tom Tucker : I'm sorry but there's a handsome man in my spoon. You'll have to come back later.

  • Peter Griffin : Well, fine. Until you put 'Gumbel 2 Gumbel' back on the air, I'm going on a hunger strike. Can you live with that? Huh, can you?"

    [brief pause] 

    Peter Griffin : You gonna eat that stapler?

    Network executive : Mr. Griffin, you can't eat a...

    Peter Griffin : Wanna split it?

  • [Brian and Peter are putting a crib together] 

    Brian Griffin : Okay, insert rod support A into slot B.

    Peter Griffin : That's what...

    Brian Griffin : If you say "that's what she said" one more time, I am gonna pop you.

  • [the Millennium Bug has just hit, causing planes to fall from the sky, nuclear bombs to detonate, etc] 

    Peter Griffin : Holy crap... Did anyone else feel that?

  • Max Weinstein : Hello. My car broke down. Can I use your phone?

    Peter Griffin : [singing]  Now my troubles are all through/I have a Jew.

    Max Weinstein : Hey!

  • Peter Griffin : Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.

  • Peter Griffin : [as a swim coach]  Great workout, Bobby!

    Bobby : Up yours, sackbreath.

    Peter Griffin : That's *Mister* Griffin.

  • Chris Griffin : All right, dad! Fight the machine!

    Stewie Griffin : How does he know about the machine?

  • Peter Griffin : Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white man's dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.

  • [Peter is trying to potty-train Stewie] 

    Peter Griffin : You know, I oughta just give you some beer. Goes straight through you.

    Stewie Griffin : [sarcastic]  Wonderful. And while we're at it, we can light up a doobie and watch porn.

    Peter Griffin : Eh... yeah?

  • Glen Quagmire : Fat chicks need lovin too, but they gotta pay.

  • Stewie Griffin : Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.

  • Peter Griffin : If I wasn't so sure you were a lesbian, I'd say you were coming on to me.

  • Peter Griffin : Oh, and sorry about that comment earlier. I have that disease that makes you swear involuntarily. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. See?

  • Peter Griffin : I haven't cleaned since Bounty dropped me as their spokesman.

    [flashback] 

    Peter Griffin : So Rosie, I just spilled this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter and you're telling me that Bounty can pick it up in five seconds?

    Spokesperson : What the hell is that?

    Peter Griffin : Five seconds...

    Spokesperson : Is that?

    Peter Griffin : Four seconds...

    Spokesperson : It smells like...

    Peter Griffin : Three seconds...

    Spokesperon : That's...

    Peter Griffin : CLEAN MY PEE.

  • [at a rehab center] 

    Peter Griffin : YEAH. I'm also addicted to boobies.

  • [during a fishing trip] 

    Peter Griffin : Man, some trip this turned out to be. All we caught is a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of clichÈs.

  • Lois Griffin : I'm sorry that Stewie ruined your books. Here, I brought you some of Peter's.

    Brian Griffin : 'Mr. T' by Mr. T. 'T and Me' by George Peppard. 'For The Last Time, I'm Not Mr. T' by Ving Rhames.

    [shudders] 

  • [Peter has bought an sexy version of a relationship tape] 

    Lois Griffin : $49.95? Are you sure we can afford this?

    Peter Griffin : Lois, our relationship can not be measured in nipples and dimes... nickels and boobs... money.

    [runs off] 

  • Lois Griffin : Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.

    Peter Griffin : OH MY GOD.

    [runs off crying] 

  • Peter Griffin : I only drank so that the Statue Of Liberty would take her clothes off.

  • Lois Griffin : So he just left without saying anything?

    Peter Griffin : All I asked him to do was buy some peanuts and cracker jacks.

    Brian Griffin : I don't care if he ever gets back. I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead.

  • Lois Griffin : Brian, could you pass the TV Guide?

    Brian Griffin : Piss off.

    Lois Griffin : What?

    Brian Griffin : Oh, I'm just a little testy because of the lack of... STOP STARING AT MY TAIL.

  • Peter Griffin : Ha ha ha ha! You just said "nuclear". It's "nukular", dummy, the "s" is silent!

  • Lois Griffin : We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.

    Peter Griffin : Your mother's right, son. Listen to what it says.

    Lois Griffin : Peter!

    Peter Griffin : Uh, uh, I didn't say that. Lee Majors did.

    Lee Majors : What? Women are things.

  • Lois Griffin : Peter!

    Peter Griffin : Um... Lee Majors said it.

    Lee Majors : What? Women are things.

  • Peter Griffin : I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to?

    [flashback] 

    Fred : It looks like the killer gutted his victim, strangled him with his own intestines and then dumped to body in the river.

    Velma : Jinkies! What a mystery!

    [Scooby jumps] 

    Fred : That's right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.

  • Peter Griffin : Son, this is a big day for you. Today, you become the man of the house, because, when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.

  • Mr. Fargas : Today, we are going to dissect... a clown. Well, it's no wonder this clown died. His lungs were filled with candy.

  • Stewie Griffin : I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.

  • Lois Griffin : Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I can guarantee that a man made that commercial.

    Peter Griffin : Of course they did. It's a commercial, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.

  • Peter Griffin : I'm going to microwave a bagel and have sex with it.

    Glen Quagmire : Butter's in the fridge.

  • Stewie Griffin : Damn the toilet. It's made slaves of you all. It just sits there consuming other people's feces while contributing nothing of its own to society.

  • Peter Griffin : What's Lois doing with Ross Fishman?

    Glen Quagmire : Is it possible she's a whore? You know, like on weekends to pay for her mom's dialysis... as in my fantasy.

    [pause] 

    Glen Quagmire : You know what, let's start over. Hi, I'm Quagmire.

  • Stewie Griffin : How deliciously evil. It's like something out of Stephen King.

    [flashback] 

    Stephen King : Now for my 300th novel, a couple... uh...

    [casts about desperately] 

    Stephen King : is attacked... by a giant... uh... lamp monster! Oooooooo!

    Editor : You're not even trying anymore are you?

    [sigh] 

    Editor : When can I have it?

  • [upon finding out the local bar has been turned into a British pub] 

    Peter Griffin : Holy crap. It's a gay bar.

  • [Shamus has four wooden limbs] 

    Glen Quagmire : So, were you in an accident or something?

    Shamus : No, me father was a tree.

  • Tom Tucker : This is Tom Tucker... 's evil twin Todd Tucker out to destroy his brother's reputation. Ha ha ha! Now I'm going to go back inside my motel room where I'm going to have freaky sex with my prostitute with whom I still have another 45 minutes.

  • Peter Griffin : It's OK, Meg. Your mom is full of Christmas cheer and enough tranquilizer to take down an elephant.

  • Shelly : I'll have the es-cargott and a chabliss.

    Brian : [sighs]  Same here. Es-cargott and a chabliss.

  • Brian Griffin : Come on, I'll show the channel Lois doesn't know about.

    [turns on TV] 

    Lois Griffin : Brian what... Chris go to your room. Meg take Stewie upstairs.

    Stewie Griffin : Wait. That man seems to have suffered a rather serious snake bite.

  • Lois Griffin : Peter, punish Chris.

    Peter Griffin : Son, I'm watching the game, you know what to do.

    [Chris begins spanking himself] 

    Chris Griffin : OW. OW. OW. OW. This hurts me more than it hurts you.

  • Quagmire : Hello there, cutie. How old are you?

    Girl : Sixteen.

    Quagmire : Eighteen? You're first.

    Girl : MOM.

    Quagmire : I like where this is going.

  • Tom Tucker : I think I speak for everyone when I say, New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.

  • Brian : Why don't you shut up for about a week?

    Stewie : Very well, what are the stakes if I win?

    Brian : I wasn't making a bet. Why don't you just shut up for about a week?

  • Peter Griffin : Merry Christmas to all, and to all, shut the hell up.

  • Chris Griffin : Hey, mom, look at these bananas.

    Peter Griffin : Why you smart little bastard.

    Lois Griffin : Now Chris, these are called "plantains". In fact, some women prefer them to normal size bananas because they're exotic and flavorful, and very very special.

    Peter Griffin : Yeah, Lois, I see all the sorority girls clamoring for the platain section.

  • Brian Griffin : Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?

    Peter Griffin : If by "read", you mean "imagined a naked lady", then yes.

  • Stewie Griffin : Soooo Broccoli, mother says you're very good for me. But I'm afraid I'm no good for you.

  • [a social worker is trying to take Stewie away because she believes the Griffin parents are unfit] 

    Lois Griffin : How dare you say that. This is a wonderful home for a child to live.

    [a gunshot is heard from the roof] 

    Peter Griffin : Quagmire, you rat bastard. Come near my fence again and that'll be your head.

  • Lois Griffin : So how was your day?

    Brian Griffin : My day? Un-freakin' believable. First we nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll, her doll for god's sake. Where's the line anymore? Well, I got news for ya, it's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone, honey, BAM, freakin' evaporated like a dingy stinkin' mudpuddle. One day you see your reflection in it and the next day it's a, it's a damn oil spot on your crack driveway, staring back at you, mocking at you, blah, blah, blah, knowing the perverted truths that rot in the pit of your soul. That's how my freakin' day was!

    [pause] 

    Peter Griffin : You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.

  • Peter Griffin : Hey, Chris! Whatcha doing?

    Chris Griffin : Jus' layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homey. Yo, Pops, lemme have some cheddar. Some playa-hata be throwin' salt in my game - grillin' me over my gear. An' I needs to be mackin' style!

    Peter Griffin : Well... ehh... the important thing is you tried, son.

  • Stewie Griffin : [singing and pointing to rifle and crotch alternately]  This is my rifle / This is my gun / This is for fighting / This is for fun!

  • Stewie Griffin : [thinks]  How wonderful it will be to have mother back!

    Brian Griffin : [thinks]  I heard that.

    Stewie Griffin : [thinks]  Damn!

  • Lois Griffin : Peter, I saw a really good deal on a used car in this newspaper.

    Peter Griffin : Oh no. I knew a guy who bought a used car through a newspaper. Ten years later, BAM! Herpes.

  • [while Peter is changing Stewie] 

    Stewie : No, you idiot. That's not baby powder, that's paprika. Ahhhhhh. Take that.

  • Peter Griffin : Son, we're going to get you back in the Scouts so fast, they wont know what hit 'em.

    [he backs into a parked car] 

    Peter Griffin : And, um, neither will that guy.

  • Stewie Griffin : Blast I thought I had more time. Keeping people from having sex is more difficult than I thought. Now I know how the Catholic Church feels. BA-ZING.

  • Peter Griffin : Could you sign this book please.

    Tony Robbins : Tony Robbins hungry!

    [swallows Peter whole] 

  • Brian Griffin : My therapist thinks I'm in love.

    Peter Griffin : Holy Crap! You can talk!

  • Peter Griffin : What do you expect me to do with all these great ideas? Put them in a tub and clean myself with them? Cause that's what soap is for Lois.

  • Peter Griffin : Looks out curtain at Lois, who's sitting in the front row Look who came crawling back.

    Joe Swanson : [Joe is crawling on the stage towards Peter]  Peter! Have you seen my wheelchair?

  • [they are eating Trisha] 

    Tom Tucker : Mmm. Diane can I cook or what?

    Diane Simmons : I guess we should be eating her with chopsticks

    [they both laugh] 

    Brian Griffin : Oh my god! They're eating Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa!

    Peter Griffin : That's insane! They're just gonna be hungry again in an hour.

  • Peter Griffin : Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second. Ahh

    Lois Griffin : That was just a loud yelping noise

  • Stewie Griffin : [after Brian cries hysterically]  I guess now we know what kind of dog he is. A "melancollie".

    [no response] 

    Stewie Griffin : Oh wait. I should have said "chi wa-wa".

    [still no response] 

    Stewie Griffin : I don't have to

    [beep] 

    Stewie Griffin : impress you!

  • Lois Griffin : Why don't you take Joe caroling?

    Peter Griffin : Yeah, that'd be as fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism.

    Lois Griffin : What?

    Peter Griffin : What?

  • [Lois is washing Stewie's hair in the sink] 

    Stewie Griffin : Careful! You're washing a baby's scalp, not scrubbing the vomit out of a Christmas dress, you stupid holiday drunk.

  • Peter Griffin : Lois, the bar has been taken over by a bunch of lousy, limey, no-good, tea-sucking British bastards.

  • Peter Griffin : You're not fat, Chris, you just come from a long line of husky Griffins. Like your great uncle, Jabba the Griffin.

    [flashback] 

    Jabba the Griffin : Raja naba doa gola wookie nipple pinchy.

  • Guy in chicken costume : The world is gonna end at midnight tonight. Y2K.

    Peter Griffin : Y2K? What are you selling, chicken or sex jelly?

  • [hitting on a girl waiting in line for a roller coaster] 

    Glen Quagmire : Hello there. You must be *this* beautiful to ride the Quagmire.

  • GPS System : Turn left at fork in road... in native Russia, road forks you.

    Peter Griffin : [sighs]  That got old real fast.

  • Chris Griffin : Hey dad, look. I put honey on my back, and now the ants are carrying me home.

    [laughing] 

    Peter Griffin : Aw, that's nothing. He does the same thing at home, but with Velveeta and cockroaches. And if ya turn on the lights really fast, they'll slam him right into the fridge.

  • Peter Griffin : Chris is not as smart as you think he is...

    [Peter slaps Chris in the back of the head] 

    Chris Griffin : HEY.

    Peter Griffin : He did it.

    [Peter points to a nearby floor lamp, and Chris attacks it and starts fighting with it] 

  • Psychiatrist : Does Stewie have a history of violence?

    Lois Griffin : Oh no, this is Stewie's first violent act.

    Stewie Griffin : Actually, my first violent act involved that ticking time bomb that I left in your uterus when I left. Happy 50th Birthday, Lois.

  • Death : You can't tell anyone that I'm here. For if you do, the consequences could be dire.

    Peter Griffin : Go on...

    Death : That's it.

    [to Lois] 

    Death : God, what do you see in him?

  • Peter Griffin : Leave it to me, I read a book about these people before.

    Brian Griffin : Are you sure it was a book, are you sure it wasn't... nothing.

    Peter Griffin : Oh, yeah.

  • Peter Griffin : You know, some people think that dandelions are weeds. But you know... uh... I always think, who the hell decided tulips were so great?

  • [the Griffins are being relocated to the South] 

    Peter Griffin : The South? Isn't that where the black people are really lazy, and the white people are equally as lazy, but they're mad at the black people for being so lazy?

  • Peter : ...and there's no way I'm going in the back way.

    Death : Oh crap, I have no time for this!

  • Peter : To you she may be worth a million dollars. But to me she's worthless!

  • Peter Griffin : If I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I stand here and get lectured by pervert.

  • Chris Griffin : I wanna get Barbara a really nice gift, What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you Meg?

    Meg Griffin : Oh... well, my boyfriend Prince William got me this beautiful watch and this diamond tiara and this wonderful scepter...

    [Meg laughs manically then breaks down sobbing] 

    Stewie Griffin : She needs to get laid big time!

  • Meg Griffin : I made flag girl!

    Stewie Griffin : Oh, you made flag girl. Great.

    [pause] 

    Stewie Griffin : Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call.

  • Black Knight : Hey, what's your fat ass doing here?

    Man : [sitting on a fat donkey]  He's my only means of conveyance.

  • [after Peter tells Lois an outlandish story] 

    Brian : Congratulations, Peter. You're the Spalding Gray of crap.

  • [Peter has gotten liposuction] 

    Stewie : My god, it's finally happened. He's become so massive he's collapsed in on himself like a neutron star.

  • Peter : I've got your first headline, Meg. Lois, I challenge you to a race around the world. GO!

    [runs out of the room] 

    Lois : What?

    [Peter flies by in plane laughing maniacally] 

  • Stewie : Look at him. He runs like a Welshman. Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welshman?

  • [Meg enters the house crying] 

    Meg : I'll never be popular, and it's all because of this stupid purse!

    [Peter grabs the purse and holds it against the wall] 

    Peter : What the hell did you do to my daughter? I swear to God if you touched her...

  • [Brian is working as a guide dog and has taken a blind man to see "The Blair Witch Project"] 

    Brian : Okay, they're - they're in the woods. The camera keeps on moving. Uh... I think they're looking for some witch or something; I don't know, I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. Something about a map. Nothing's happening. It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed.

  • Tom Tucker : All right, question number one. Would you consider growing a moustache?

    Intern Interviewee : I guess so.

    Tom Tucker : Question number two. Look at my moustache. Do you think it tickles women when I kiss them?

    Intern Interviewee : I don't know.

    Tom Tucker : Wrong. The answer is "only slightly." Only slightly. Next!

  • Stewie Griffin : Damn it! I want pancakes! God! You people understand every language except English. Yo quiero pancakes. Donnez-moi pancakes. Click-click-bloody click pancakes!

  • Peter Griffin : [as Tom Hanks from Castaway, talking to a ball with a face painted on it]  Wilson! Wilson! Wilson! What are we gonna do now? Wilson!

    Voigt : The name's Voigt, dumbass!

  • Lisa McDonald : Bye, Dad. Don't wait up.

    Ronald McDonald : Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute, Lisa. Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on.

    Lisa McDonald : But, Dad...

    Ronald McDonald : Upstairs. You're a McDonald, not a whore.

  • Stewie Griffin : You, cameraman! Make sure you use that Cybill Shepherd filter. If they can make her look half-human, they should be able to take six months off my face.

  • Peter Griffin : Man, this is a great show. They drag these idiots up on stage and then blindside 'em. Like this one guy, didn't know he was actually two midgets.

  • Peter Griffin : I find the toothpaste with the pump is a little easier to get on the brush. Ummm... you might have noticed my underwear has a hole in it. It's uh... you know, I... I don't see any reason to throw it out. The waist is still fine. You know, see. See, it's still real stretchy.

  • Bad Peter : Lie to her. It's okay to lie to women. They're not people like us.

    Peter Griffin : Well, I don't know.

    [Looks for Good Peter] 

    Peter Griffin : Hey, where's the other guy?

    Good Peter : [Is stuck in traffic on a heaven highway]  Come on, you bastard, I'm late for work!

    [Spills coffee on his robe] 

    Good Peter : Oh oh oh, this is perfect.

  • Peter Griffin : Make like Siamese twins and split... and then one of you die.

  • Peter Griffin : Hey, camera guy. Check this out.

    [holding up an old woman puppet] 

    Peter Griffin : 'Peter Griffin and Madame.' Oh, Madam, you're a lusty old gal, aren't you?

    Peter Griffin : [as Madame]  You're the one with your hand up my backside, darling.

    Peter Griffin : Oh! She got me!

  • Peter Griffin : [doing the laundry]  Hey, where's my sock? Hey!

    [crawls into the dryer and arrives in Narnia] 

    Goat Man : Welcome to Narnia, I am Mr. Tumnus.

    Peter Griffin : Hey, give me back my sock, you goat bastard!

  • [doorbell rings; Peter's boss, Mr. Weed, is coming over for dinner] 

    Peter Griffin : That must be him. Oh God! I hope that thing doesn't happen where I get nervous and can't control of the volume of my voice.

    [answers door] 

    Mr. Jonathan Weed : Hello Peter. How are you?

    Peter Griffin : [yelling]  Fine!

    Peter Griffin : [quietly]  Please come in.

  • [Stewie taunts a girl who has fallen down a well] 

    Stewie Griffin : It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

  • Death : I'm gonna need that picture of Olmos'

    [Edward James Olmos] 

    Death : ass back.

    Peter Griffin : Oh. Yeah, right.

  • Old Woman : Aw, look at you! I bet you're hungry.

    Stewie Griffin : And I bet your lost your virginity to a mechanical bull. Now change me!

  • Stewie Griffin : Hey! Look at this

    [bow tie spins in a circle] 

    Stewie Griffin : Wow! Looks like I had to much coffee!

    [pulls out a cigar] 

    Stewie Griffin : Ha cha cha cha cha cha cha!

  • Peter Griffin : I'd like to propose a toast to our neighbors. Sure they might be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but hey, if they moved out some smelly Hawaiians might move in.

  • Tom Tucker : [on the phone with his wife]  Honey, I won't be home tonight. I have a hooker coming over. Well what about the pool man? He seems to like you.

  • Jennifer Love Hewitt : I can't believe you ordered a pie for an appetizer!

    Peter Griffin : It's okay, I'm gonna go to the John and fire one out in about five minutes. That should make room for dinner.

  • [after having sex] 

    Social Worker : Glen, honey. Can I ask you a question? What do you do for a living?

    Quagmire : Heh! I got a question for you too. Why are you still here?

  • Glen Quagmire : I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through.

  • Brian Griffin : I guess anything's better than looking at your smelly face!

    Meg Griffin : Mom!

    Lois Griffin : Now honey, your face smells fine.

  • Stewie Griffin : [accidently rips off the tail of Brian's dead mother]  Oh, relax. The old girl didn't have much to wag about these days, anyway.

  • Stewie Griffin : [looking at a picture of Jesus]  Look at Jesus over there all by himself!

    [referring to another picture] 

    Stewie Griffin : You would think those bulldogs would invite him over to play poker with them.

  • Brian Griffin : [imitating Truman Capote]  Audrey Hepburn not only looked like she didn't have Breakfast at Tiffany's, but that she hadn't eaten anything in a year! Oh, ho, ho. I'm such a bitch.

  • Stewie Griffin : [pointing a mind-control device at Lois]  Aha, mother. So we meet again.

    Lois Griffin : Stewie, I thought I tucked you in bed.

    Stewie Griffin : Not tightly enough, you see.

  • Lois Griffin : Peter, you've never done anything creative in your life!

    Peter Griffin : That's not true! I wrote "Bonfire of the Vanities".

    Lois Griffin : No, you didn't!

    Peter Griffin : [after long pause]  You win this round, Lois!

  • Stewie Griffin : You didn't love me. It was my cookies! Well, sugar, the bakery just closed. Go get your fill somewhere else, you oatmeal-raisin-loving freak!

  • Peter Griffin : [singing to Lois]  Lois, you can't spell Love without L-O, You can't spell is without I-S, you can't spell... silo without Lois.

  • [Peter is watching "Happy Days". Someone tries to talk to him] 

    Peter Griffin : Hold on! This is the one where the Fonz says "Aaay!"

    Fonzi : Aaay!

    Peter Griffin : YES! Take that, 1950's society!

  • Peter Griffin : All right, here's my one-man show, "Winston Churchill, We Hardly Knew Ye." Okay, act one.

    [high-pitched voice] 

    Peter Griffin : I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like some tea? I would because I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like a crumpet? I would because I'm Winston Churchill. Do you like to wear knickers? I do because I'm Winston Churchill.

  • Gun Safety Instructor : Remember, guns don't kill people. Dangerous minorities do.

  • Brian Griffin : Peter, being a hero is just being someone that somebody can look up to.

    Peter Griffin : People have looked up to me... Remember that time I read to those kids at Sunday school.

    Brian Griffin : Ah, when you forgot all the lyrics to the songs?

    Peter Griffin : [flashback to church] 

    [Peter is singing a song to the kids] 

    Peter Griffin : Jesus really loves me./ He loves me a whole bunch./ That's why he puts Skippy in my lunch.

  • Peter Griffin : [slurring, drunk]  This comedian sucks. He couldn't make me laugh even if I was laughin' my ass off and he was the one makin' me do it. Come on, skinny, make me laugh!

    Lois Griffin : Peter, that's a microphone stand.

    Peter Griffin : Oh, well, excuse me for thinkin' that a microphone stand in a comedy club should tell a joke or two. I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way.

  • Lois Griffin : Glen, I need your help.

    Glen Quagmire : Sure, Lois. I'd do everything to you.

    Lois Griffin : What?

    Glen Quagmire : I'd do anything for you.

  • [Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are forming a band] 

    Brian Griffin : You know, Peter, just because you guys entertained a bunch of drunken idiots at a karaoke bar doesn't mean you have what it takes to form a band.

    Peter Griffin : Oh, Brian, you're just ants at a picnic. We're going to be awesome!

    Brian Griffin : Wait, what am I? I'm ants at a picnic? Is that what you just said? I just - I'm ants at a picnic. All right, just making sure.

    [leaves] 

  • Brian Griffin : You know what might be a thrill for you guys?

    Chris Griffin : Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!

  • Peter Griffin : [is reading very loudly while intoxicated]  Aw, don't be ashamed of your hand, Johnny Tremain, you still live in exciting times.

    [he sees a cop] 

    Peter Griffin : Aww, crap.

    Police Officer : Sir, do you know how loud you were reading?

    Peter Griffin : [hesitates, and tries to evade the cop, still reading]  The-life-of-a-silver-smith's-apprentice-was-not-an-easy-one...

    [crashes into a bookshelf] 

  • Stewie Griffin : [Stewie looks into the mirror after applying some lipstick to his face]  Well, I say, look at you there. You're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yes. You're looking for a bad time. That's what you're after. You're a dirty flirt. You want it bad. You don't care where you get it becasue you have no self-respect and that gets you off, doesn't it?

  • Lois Griffin : All right, Stewie, hold on to these while mommy goes to get some apples.

    [hands him plastic bags] 

    Stewie Griffin : Oh, yes, how clever, Lois, to leave a child with a plastic bag that he can suffocate himself with. Well, I'm going to do it!

    [tries to put it over his head but it doesn't fit] 

    Stewie Griffin : That's right I'm going to do it!

    [tries putting it on the side of his head then climbing in it but it doesn't fit] 

    Stewie Griffin : Good Lord, Lois. Either I was a c-section or you're Wonder Woman.

  • Peter : Ah, Los Angeles! Everything's big, everything's grand, and they always say something witty right before the commercial break.

    [Peter looks confused. Five beats, then CUT TO COMMERCIAL] 

  • Lois Griffin : [Stewie has just seen his parents having sex]  Honey, there's nothing wrong with what you saw... in fact, that's sort of how you were created...

    Stewie Griffin : Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! Get out of here woman, get out!

    [Lois leaves, Brian enters] 

    Brian Griffin : Oh, God. You saw them together, didn't you?

    Stewie Griffin : Ngg...

    [Stewie nods] 

    Brian Griffin : You know the tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there, too.

  • Glen Quagmire : [Quagmire slowly peeks out at Meg's slumber party]  Oh, come on! You girls are boring the crap out of me! You know what I'm going to do? I... I... I'm going to go home and watch a dirty movie now! It's all this mindless chattering is what it is!

    [he leaves] 

    Meg : Wow, that was weird. Hey, you wanna compare breasts?

  • [during a romantic dinner] 

    Lois Griffin : [seductively]  You know, I'm not wearing any panties.

    Peter Griffin : Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out.

  • [to Brian] 

    Stewie Griffin : How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Got a a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Got a, got a nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for three years? Huh? Got a, got a compelling protagonist? Yeah? Got a obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Got a story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yeah, talking about that three years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off.

  • Peter Griffin : They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV and she looks like a foot.

  • Brian Griffin : Do you have a bathroom?

    President of the New Yorker : Yes, follow me.

    [takes Brian to a room where there are sinks, but no toilets] 

    Brian Griffin : Um... where are the toilets?

    President of the New Yorker : Oh, no one at the New Yorker has an anus.

  • Tom Tucker : Coming up next: Watch me shave.

  • Tom Tucker : Coming up next: A story on conveniently-placed news stories in television shows. But first, Peter, watch out for that skateboard.

    [Peter trips over a skateboard] 

  • Glen Quagmire : Hey, Lois, wanna go out?

    Lois Griffin : Oh, Glen, I don't know if I'm ready yet...

    [Quagmire looks uncomfortable, then smashes the clock. He changes the time on the clock] 

    Glen Quagmire : Are you ready now?

  • Peter Griffin : What if Kurt Cobain had quit?

    [Flashback to Nirvana finishing a concert] 

    Kurt Cobain : Thank you! And remember, say "no" to drugs!

    Agent : Great concert Kurt. The label's excited about your seventh album.

    Kurt Cobain : Thanks. Oh you remember my wife, Courtney Love?

    Agent : Who?

    [Courtney Love looks down and grimaces] 

  • Peter Griffin : I have no son! Except for Stewie... and Meg!

  • Peter Griffin : Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank.

  • Peter Griffin : Wow, it'll be just like that show "Big Brother", only with someone watching.

  • Carter Pewterschmiidt : Peter, I see you're still fatter than Holy Hell.

  • Peter Griffin : [a Past Generation of the friends is drinking in the Clam]  To the Clam!

    Glen Quagmire : To the Clam!

    Joe Swanson : To the Clam!

    Joe Swanson : And to mind-damaging STDs!

    Glen Quagmire : I wake up with blood on my penis-pillow!

    Peter Griffin : I'm going to die an old man in a chair, staring out to sea and going slowly insane!

  • Stewie Griffin : I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now?

    Brian Griffin : Well, you'd be a black man.

    Stewie Griffin : Whoa! You've got to work on that, you know? Bad dog!

  • Lois Griffin : [Peter's drunk in Massachusetts]  I guess I am free this evening. Want to get drunk and watch a bad movie?

    Brian Griffin : I'll go rent "Vanilla Sky".

    Lois Griffin : I said a bad movie, not an abortion!

  • Peter Griffin : [naked and drunk at a wine tasting]  Anyone seen that Peter Griffin? He said he'd give me twenty bucks if I took off all of my clothes off.

  • Stewie Griffin : Well, Brian a Son! But he's 14 years old, and you're... you know...?

    Brian Griffin : Well, those are Dog Years.

    Stewie Griffin : But still...

    Brian Griffin : You know what, Stewie? If you don't like it, then go on the Internet and complain.

  • Stewie Griffin : [Lois is away, trash is piling up]  Peter! Peter! There's just so much doody! I just, I just can't fit any more in there! Help!

    [faints] 

  • Peter Griffin : Buttscratcher?

  • Peter Griffin : [on Bill Cosby]  I was so busy not seeing color that I didn't see all the raping.

  • Meg Griffin : You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.

    Death : Well, that would just leave England.

  • Stewie Griffin : I know this guy who sells pills that cure addictions...

  • Brian Griffin : [laughing] 

    Ms. Romano : Damn it Julie, I am not shacking up with my boyfriend, I am just going away for the weekend.

    Schneider : Yeah! All, the a-way!

    Brian Griffin : Whoo-hoo! Oh, damn Schneider what will you say?

  • Woman on Tape : We're going to add...

    [tape interrupts Lois] 

    Lois Griffin : Peter!

    Peter Griffin : Ahh!

    Lois Griffin : I know what you've been doing here, and I'm very upset with you.

    Peter Griffin : Oh. Usually, beautiful women don't turn back into you until I'm finished.

    Lois Griffin : These tapes are about to be communication. If you want to see a woman acting nasty, you should've told me.

    [starts taking a bathrobe off] 

    Peter Griffin : This is hot.

    Lois Griffin : Turn around.

    Peter Griffin : Lois! This is not what it looks like! She means nothing to me!

    Lois Griffin : Peter, it's okay.

    Peter Griffin : Yeah?

    Lois Griffin : I was trying to be sexy for you.

    Peter Griffin : Oh, come here you.

    [starts to rewind] 

    Lois Griffin : You should've told me.

    [rewinds] 

    Lois Griffin : You should've told me.

    [rewinds] 

  • [Jennifer Love Hewitt is on a date with Peter, and reviews her past works] 

    Jennifer Love Hewitt : "I Know What You Did Last Summer"?

    Peter : Nope... never heard of it.

    Jennifer Love Hewitt : "The Devil and Daniel Webster"?

    Peter : No.

    Jennifer Love Hewitt : "Party of Five"?

    Peter : Was that a porno?

  • Good Peter : Hey sorry, man, am I late? What did I miss?

    Peter Griffin : Thank God you're here. What do I do?

    Bad Good Peter : Tell him to keep lying. He's in too deep.

    Good Peter : Well, I don't know...

    [Looks for good side] 

    Good Peter : Hey, where's the other guy?

    Good Good Peter : [Is stuck on the same highway in his tiny car]  Ah, this is unbelieveable!

  • Peter Griffin : Uh, hi. We're here to see the Dean.

    Guardian of the College : Nobody can see the Dean! Not nobody, not no how!

  • Peter Griffin : This is even worse then when we went to see the "Vagina Monologues".

    Talking Vagina : [on stage at a comedy club]  You know I heard they're using Jeff Gillooly in the hunt for Osama Bin Laden... Jeff Gillooly.

    [no laughter] 

    Talking Vagina : Okay, that one wasn't so fresh, but you knoooow...

  • Lois Griffin : Peter, did you take care of that...

    Peter Griffin : What? Oh, my growth! Yeah, I had the doctor looking at it.

    Doctor : Mr. Griffin, that isn't your growth, that's your penis.

    Peter Griffin : What about the...

    Doctor : Testicles.

  • Teeth # 1 : Okay.

    Teeth # 1 : One, two...

    Stewie Griffin : Ah!

  • Brian Griffin : You know, Lois, I'm really not comfortable talking about this amelodically.

  • Stewie Griffin : Why the hell did we get off here?

    Brian Griffin : My mother lives in Austin. Don't you see? Fate's brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother and make peace with her.

    Stewie Griffin : So, she's in Austin? Eight miles that way?

    Brian Griffin : Yes.

    Stewie Griffin : All right. So, instead of driving down this sun-parched highway... we've now got to walk.

    Brian Griffin : Pretty much. Yeah.

    Stewie Griffin : You know what this means?

    Brian Griffin : Yeah.

  • Stewie Griffin : [Peter is upset, Stewie is trying to cheer him up]  Hey...

    [pats Peter's knee] 

    Stewie Griffin : Hey, big guy... how you doin? Holdin up all right? Want a soda? Oh, screw it. I tried!

  • Peter Griffin : 1 million dollars!

    Lois Griffin : Brian, that sounded like Peter.

    Peter Griffin : Money, money, money!

  • Lois Griffin : Hello?

    Peter Griffin : Lois? I can't take out the garbage because they're keeping me late at the office.

    Lois Griffin : Peter, the caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen. In fact... I can see you.

    Peter Griffin : Can you see me now?

    Lois Griffin : No.

    Peter Griffin : Okay, now I'm at the office.

  • Peter Griffin : If I'm a child, that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here and take this from a pervert.

  • Stewie Griffin : So, what do you think of this "Music Television?"

  • Doctor : Mr. Griffin I'm saying you're fine.

    Peter Griffin : Now what? Are you coming on to me?

    Lois Griffin : Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you you're healthy.

    Doctor : ...Can't it be both?

  • Li : Stewie, come complete our rainbow.

    Stewie Griffin : I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."

  • Diane Simmons : And in entertainment, Mary Tyler Moore is 64 years old today.

    Tom Tucker : Really? 64?

    Diane Simmons : Yes!

    Tom Tucker : Now I thought she was dead.

    Diane Simmons : Nope, she's alive.

    Tom Tucker : Fantastic! And now this...

  • Tom Tucker : And the winning theme for the Harvest Day Parade float is... the episode of "Who's the Boss" where Tony sees Angela naked in the shower.

  • Peter Griffin : [while peeing into a urinal]  Fire! Fire! City Hall is burning. Don't worry, I'll put it out.

  • Stewie Griffin , Brian Griffin : [singing]  We're off on the road to Rhode Island/We're having the times of our lives

    Stewie Griffin : Take it, dog.

    Brian Griffin : We're quite a bit of partners just like Velma and Louise/Except you're not six feet tall/

    Stewie Griffin : Yes, and your breasts don't reach your knees.

    Brian Griffin : Give it time

    Stewie Griffin , Brian Griffin : We're off on the road to Rhode Island/ We're certainly going in style/

    Brian Griffin : I'm with an intellectual who craps inside his pants/

    Stewie Griffin : How dare you, at least I don't leave urine stains on all the household plants.

    Brian Griffin : Oh, pee jokes.

    Stewie Griffin , Brian Griffin : We've traveled a bit and we fooooound/ Like a masocist in Newport/We're Rhode Island bound.

    Brian Griffin : Crazy travel conditions huh?

    Stewie Griffin : First class and no class.

    Brian Griffin : Whoa, careful with that joke. It's an antique.

    Stewie Griffin , Brian Griffin : We're off on the road to Rhode Island/We're not going to stop 'till we're theeeere

    Brian Griffin : Maybe for a beer. Whatever dangers we may face we'll never fear or cry/

    Stewie Griffin : Until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die, please!

    Stewie Griffin , Brian Griffin : We're off on the road to Rhode Island/The home of that old campus swing/

    Brian Griffin : We'd like to get some college girls and picnic on the grass/

    Stewie Griffin : We'd tell you more but we would have the censors on our ass.

    Brian Griffin : Yikes!

    Stewie Griffin , Brian Griffin : We certanly do get around/Like a bunch of renegade pilgrims who were thrown out of Plymouth Colony/We're Rhode Island bound/Or like two groups of college freshmen who were rejected from Harvard and forced to go to Brown/We're Rhode Iiiiislaaaaand bouuuuuuuund.

  • Peter Griffin : I bet I laugh so hard I shoot milk out my nose!

    Brian Griffin : Uh, Peter, this is Brooke... she's having dinner with us tonight. I went over this with you a few minutes ago.

    Peter Griffin : [laughs uncontrollably as a torrent of milk from his nose hits Brooke and Brian] 

  • Peter Griffin : I didn't give those porn magazines to the kids. The truth is Lois. Lois, Lois, Lois, Ah! Oh, crap. The truth is I love my wife Lois very much. I gave those porn mags to my son. I wanted to teach him about treating women as objects. If anything I don't deserve your respect.

    Trica Takanowa : Mr Griffin, does this mean that you're not only a bad husband and father but you're a bad school board president?

    Reporter #2 : Will you resign over this?

    Peter Griffin : Yes, no and screw it, I resign.

  • Tom Tucker : In local news, a Buddy Cianci High School student was caught with a lot of cocaine in his locker. He was sentenced to 100 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy. And now we go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast, Ollie.

    [cuts to Ollie] 

    Ollie Williams : He gonna get it!

  • Tom Tucker : And now Channel 6 black man Ollie Williams with the weather. Ollie.

    [cuts to Ollie] 

    Ollie Williams : Issgon' rain!

  • Brian Griffin : [appalled by the students being stupid]  Nobody can be this stupid, not even Peter when he took that blow to the head and thought he was Larry from Three's Company!

    Peter Griffin : [cutaway to Peter ending the kitchen dressed as 'Larry']  Jack, there's a hot-tub party across the street and we're invited!

    Brian Griffin : What are you talking about?

  • Stewie Griffin : The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten!

  • [Peter and his friends have formed a rock band and are performing at a prison] 

    Peter Griffin : [shouting into microphone]  Hello, Cleveland!

    Cleveland : Hello, Peter.

    Quagmire : [clapping drum sticks together]  One, two, three, *four*!

    Peter Griffin : [small amount of time passes]  Oh, my God. We don't know any songs.

    [prisoners get mad] 

  • Lois Griffin : What happens if Meg develops a coke habit?

    Peter Griffin : [shouts]  No Coke! Pepsi!

  • Stewie Griffin : Why the hell did we get off here?

    Brian Griffin : My mother lives in Austin. Don't you see? Fate's brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother and make piece with her.

    Stewie Griffin : So, she's in Austin? Eight miles that way?

    Brian Griffin : Yes.

    Stewie Griffin : All right. So, instead of driving down this sun-parched highway... we've now got to walk.

    Brian Griffin : Pretty much. Yeah.

    Stewie Griffin : You know what this means?

    Brian Griffin : Yeah.

  • [Brian has just peed on a Supermarket floor] 

    Peter Griffin : Jeez Brian, where do you think you are, Payless?

  • Peter Griffin : You remember that time I was supposed to get that boat?

    Peter Griffin : [cut to previous scene]  A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat! You know how much we wanted one of those!

    Lois Griffin : [cut back to present scene]  Peter, that happened ten minutes ago.

  • [Quagmire tries to hit on some women at a lesbian bar] 

    Glen Quagmire : Hey, any of you ladies been penetrated?

  • [at a job interview] 

    Interviewer : So where do you see yourself in five years?

    Peter Griffin : [thinking to himself "Don't say doing your wife. Don't say doing your wife."]  Doing your, uh, son...

  • Stewie Griffin : Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that.

  • Stewie Griffin : [to Peter]  You. You are the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber.

    [to Lois] 

    Stewie Griffin : And you... well, I just plain don't like you.

  • Peter Griffin : [singing]  Lois makes me take the rap/'Cause our check book looks like crap/Since I can't give her a slap/I need a Jew.

  • [showing his crotch to Peter] 

    Glen Quagmire : Does this look like a Q to you?

  • Peter Griffin : Oh, I hate it when your mother worries. She usually says things like "I told you so" and "Stop doing that, I'm asleep."

  • Diet Institute Worker : Sir, you can't park your van in here.

    Peter Griffin : Hey, that's my kid.

    Diet Institute Worker : Oh sorry.

    Diet Institute Worker : Hey, don't worry, it's just a really fat kid.

  • Stewie Griffin : For God's sake, shake me. Shake me like a British nanny.

  • Peter Griffin : We're going to grandpa Griffin's retirement party.

    Meg Griffin : But we haven't seen grandpa in a long time.

    Lois Griffin : Well, Meg your grandfather isn't comfortable with me since I'm not a catholic.

    [Flashback to Peter and Lois's wedding where a sign on their car reads "Just Married" and spray painted underneat the sign reads "To a prodastant whore] 

  • Peter Griffin : Since I took over as President our profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano.

    Alyssa Milano : Of all the cheap shots... Joel!

    Joel : I'm on it, I'm on it, I'm suing, I'm suing.

  • Stewie Griffin : Yea and God said to Abraham, "You will kill your son Isaac." And Abraham said, "I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone." And God said, "Oh I'm sorry, Is this better? Check, check, check... Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."

  • Glen Quagmire : Tuesdays in the '80s I was always in bed by 8... and home by 11.

  • [Peter has just been offered a directing job, and has a daydream where, as a Hollywood big-shot, he falls off the balcony of his clifftop mansion, loses his robe, and crashes naked through the roof of the house of a Mexican family] 

    Mexican Husband : øQuiÈn es esto?

    [Who is this?] 

    Mexican Wife : ...l es la respuesta a mis oraciones.

    [He is the answer to my prayers] 

    Mexican Husband : øPor quÈ?

    [Why?] 

    Peter Griffin : I love Mexicans! I'll do it!

  • Stewie Griffin : Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, on the other hand, is like this box of ACTIVE GRENADES!

    Lois Griffin : [oblivious]  Oh, you want you toy back. Here yo go.

    [Gives Stewie his Ray-Gun toy] 

    Stewie Griffin : Yes... well... VICTORY IS MINE!

    [he runs off - the sound of the grenades exploding is heard] 

    Stewie Griffin : BLAST!

  • Peter Griffin : [giving a speech running for school board]  This is life so go and have a ball. Because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have... my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

  • Stewie Griffin : [Brian is reading the newspaper]  Look where my hand is. I say, look where my hand is. It's in a very naughty place.

    Stewie Griffin : [Brian puts the paper down, Stewie's finger is in his nose]  Does this not disgust you?

    Brian Griffin : Kid, you're talking a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.

  • [Stewie reads a card and discovers his name written inside as the sender] 

    Stewie Griffin : Did you forge my name? How dare you. Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? Oh, I'm going to crap double for you tonight.

  • Peter Griffin : }: It's just like Special K. But what do they do with regular K? And for that matter, what happened to Kay Ballard? You know, if you said Mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like Ballard.

    Brian Griffin : Do you ever listen to yourself talk?

    Peter Griffin : I drift in and out.

  • Brian Griffin : Do you listen to yourself when you talk?

    Peter Griffin : Eh, I drift in and out.

  • [Peter has plastic surgery] 

    Brian Griffin : Hey, pal, you just can't walk in here, and, holy crap, it's Peter.

  • Stewie Griffin : Oh, forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials.

  • [the family is planning a vacation] 

    Peter Griffin : We could always go to purgatory like we did last year.

    [flashback] 

    Lois Griffin : This isn't bad. It's not good, but it's not bad.

    Brian Griffin : So so.

    Peter Griffin : More or less.

  • Stewie Griffin : This isn't the first time my small stature has hindered my plans.

    [flashback] 

    Auctioneer : Item 157... Global Domination. Enslave the human race. Do I have any bids?

    Stewie Griffin : OOH. OOH. ME. ME.

    Auctioneer : I'll take any bids. $1. Enslave the human race for $1?

    Stewie Griffin : BEHIND THE FAT CHICK. OOH. OOH.

  • [looking around at a posh rehab clinic] 

    Peter Griffin : This is the kind of place God would go to if He had to stop doing blow.

  • [watching The Brady Bunch] 

    Dad : Greg, I'm afraid you've earned four hours in the snake pit as punishment. And Jan, for tattling on your brother, you've earned a day in the chamber of fire.

  • [Stewie is about to be given an injection against his will, so he grabs something from the equipment trolley and threatens the nurse] 

    Stewie Griffin : Come any closer and I'll cut her!

    [realizes he's holding a tongue depresser] 

    Stewie Griffin : I'll give her a series of splinters... that could become infected.

  • [Peter and Brian are touring the Pawtucket Brewery] 

    Peter Griffin : Wow, it's like I died and went to heaven, then God realized it wasn't my time yet, so He sent me back to a brewery.

  • Chris Griffin : Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

    Peter Griffin : Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.

  • Glen Quagmire : Baby, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put 'U' and 'I' together.

  • Stewie Griffin : Jeffrey. Take the 4.20 from Hounslow out of your mouth.

  • Peter Griffin : Lois, When I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.

  • Meg Griffin : Dad, if I don't get my driver's license, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married and I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.

    Peter Griffin : Meg... are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?

  • Peter Griffin : Lois told me to clean the windows, wash the siding, and clean the gutters. To most normal guys, that's three jobs. To Peter Griffin and his big hose, that's one job.

    Cleveland : You're not working hard, Peter. You're working smart.

  • Brian Griffin : I'm just a dog, Lois. A stupid dog.

    [to the bartender] 

    Brian Griffin : Vodka stinger with a whiskey back and step on it.

  • [watching a news report about Peter's old teacher who is getting his students to toss endagered condor eggs off the school roof] 

    Lois Griffin : Oh my god. He's going to wipe that species off the face of the earth.

    Peter Griffin : Nah, the janitor will take care of that.

  • Lois Griffin : Oh, I hate these high-pressure sales situations.

    Peter Griffin : Oh, that's so cute! You're just afraid that because you're a woman you're gonna do something stupid, like buy that time-share or not realize that your husband taped over our wedding video with soft-core cable porn.

    Lois Griffin : You taped over our wedding video?

    Peter Griffin : Just the boring stuff.

  • Lois Griffin : Peter, you're drunk again.

    Peter Griffin : No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.

  • Brian Griffin : The ol' alma matter. I tell you, there's something magical about Brown.

    Chris Griffin : Brown's the color of poo. AHHAHAHAHAHA.

    Brian Griffin : Yes, it is.

  • Stewie Griffin : Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said, "I'm going to kill you."

  • Stewie Griffin : Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here.

  • [watching a baseball game] 

    Stewie Griffin : Why does that man drop his club before he runs? I would bring it with me.

  • Chris Griffin : Dad, what if I told you I didn't want to be in the Scouts anymore?

    Peter Griffin : I'd say "come again?" Then I'd laugh because I said "come."

  • Meg Griffin : Can you please teach me how to drive?

    Brian Griffin : Meg, you might want to find a better driver then Peter.

    Peter Griffin : What are you talking about? I'm a great driver.

    Brian Griffin : Oh, yeah. Remember your trip to the Southwest.

    [flashback] 

    Roadrunner : Meep Meep.

    [Peter's car runs over him] 

    Brian Griffin : Oh my God. Did I just hit that ostrich?

    Wile E. Coyote : No.

    Peter Griffin : Are you sure?

    Wile E. Coyote : Yeah. Keep going.

  • [Chris jumps on Peter's lap] 

    Chris Griffin : Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and...

    [kisses Peter] 

    Peter Griffin : Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again.

  • Stewie Griffin : Make sure there's a fresh copy of Wall Street Journal next to the changing table.

  • Peter Griffin : I'd sell my soul to be famous.

    [cut to hell] 

    Satan : We've got a live one. Peter Griffin.

    Assisstant : No good, sir. It seems he already sold his soul once in 1977 for Bee Gees tickets and then again in 1983 for half a mallomar.

  • Peter Griffin : I'm going to jump off this building.

    Cleveland : Could you repeat that, Peter. I believe I heard something crazy in my ear.

    Glen Quagmire : Wait, hold the phone, you took me away from a Swedish girly-girl and her paralyzed but trusting cousin for this?

  • Brian Griffin : Excuse me, would you like to taste my smoked meat log?

  • Lois Griffin : Peter, there's a naked man on this cake.

    Peter Griffin : There were only two cakes left, and trust me, you do not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples.

  • Peter Griffin : Wow, I'm even better than that dad from Lost In Space.

    [flashback] 

    Dad : We need to chart this planet. Greg, you take my 16 year old blonde daughter out in the chariot for the rest of the day. Penny, you stay with me. And Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing, boy-hungry peadophile with you.

  • Lois Griffin : Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding picture?

    Peter Griffin : Yeah I think it looks better.

    Lois Griffin : You pasted it over me.

    Peter Griffin : Yeah I think it looks better.

  • Stewie Griffin : I love God. He's so deliciously evil.

  • [Lois is upset about a cult that is worshipping Peter] 

    Peter Griffin : Don't worry Lois. I'll handle this. I read a book about this kind of thing once.

    Brian Griffin : Are you sure it was in a book? Are you sure it wasn't... nothing?

    Peter Griffin : Oh, yeah.

  • Peter Griffin : [to youth cult]  Hey guys, you want to come to my son's first birthday party?

    [They all drink a toast to Peter's idea with a poison-laced punch, then all collapse simultaneously] 

    Peter Griffin : I guess that's just more people who would rather fake their own deaths than go to a party with you, Meg.

  • Guy in Chicken Suit : Enjoy your chicken sandwich.

    Stewie Griffin : Enjoy your studio apartment.

  • [a grim, hooded wraith with a scythe approaches Peter's door] 

    Peter Griffin : Wh-Who are you?

    Death : I'm Callista Flockhart. Who do you think I am? I'm Death.

  • Brian Griffin : You got anything on that remote lower than Mute?

  • Peter Griffin : They covered the house in micro-film of Teflon so you never have to clean.

    [the family slips and falls to the floor] 

    Peter Griffin : I probably shouldn't have had them cover the floors in it.

    [Stewie skates by] 

    Stewie Griffin : I'm nudes on ice!

  • Peter Griffin : We're officially on welfare. Come on, kids. Help me scatter garbage on the front lawn.

  • [Family is talking about Peter's Drinking problem] 

    Brian Griffin : And remember the time when you had an Irish Coffee before we went to see "Philadelphia"?

    [Shows them in a movie theater] 

    Peter Griffin : Ah, yeah. It's the guy from "Big". Tom Hanks Everything he says is a Riot.

    Tom Hanks : I have AIDS.

    [Peter starts laughing uncontrollably] 

  • Brian : Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs.

    [everyone gasps] 

    Brian : Too soon?

  • Brian Griffin : Peter, are you sure, you've never had much luck telling jokes.

    [Flash Back to Peter in a net surrounded by apes with guns] 

    Peter Griffin : Okay, Okay. How many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three: One dirty stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty stinkin' apes to throw faeces at each other. Hehehehehehe.

    [Apes cock shotguns] 

  • UPS Woman : I've got a package for Glen Quagmire.

    Quagmire : I'll be right back

    [Closes door, then returns a moment later, naked] 

    Quagmire : And I've got a package for you too! Oh!

    [she maces him] 

    Quagmire : Nice try, but I've built up an immunity.

  • Peter Griffin : And this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock.

  • Quagmire : Here's to the Drunken Clam, boys. Where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I.

    Cleveland : Quagmire, you forgot to say "Oh".

    Quagmire : Really? I could've sworn... just to be on the safe side, "OH."

  • Stewie : Hidden missile behind the Great Wall? Ancient Chinese secret, huh?

  • Judge : Mr. Griffin, we have undisputable evidence that not only were you never not in the same room as Clarence Thomas, you were never even in the same state. What do you have to say for yourself?

    Peter Griffin : Babba booey, babba booey, Howard Stern's penis, Babba booey, babba booey.

  • [Family is trying to hide from mobsters] 

    Peter Griffin : Don't worry, I got it all worked out. We'll move to England, huh? Worst they got there is, you know, drive-by... arguments...

    [Meanwhile, in England] 

    Englishman : I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stifworth, the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of a united European commonwealth?

    Jeremy : Why yes, I daresay it is.

    Englishman : Oh, let's get him.

    [They drive up] 

    Englishman : Oh Reginald... I disagree.

    [drives off] 

  • Stewie Griffin : [to his grandmother]  I smell death on you.

  • Stewie Griffin : [to a masseuse]  Sh, sh, sh, no conversation.

  • [Stewie is resting while Brian is licking his crotch] 

    Stewie Griffin : Urgh, what the hell do you think you are doing?

    Brian Griffin : I'm cleaning myself.

    Stewie Griffin : You were clean fifteen minutes ago, now you're just on vacation!

  • Meg : I cant believe my stupid parents are going to spend five stupid days following stupid Kiss on tour. That's painful.

    Peter Griffin : Not as painful as a tire iron upside your head.

    Meg : What?

    Peter Griffin : Nothing.

  • Stewie Griffin : OK, Rupert, what do you think of our Mad Lib?

    [clears throat] 

    Stewie Griffin : [reading]  Cinderella had two step-'watermelons', who were very 'smelly' to her. So her fair god'toilet' turned her pumpkin into a big 'fanny', and sent her off to the 'poop'.

    [short laugh] 

    Stewie Griffin : Oh, how ruthlessly absurd.

  • Chris Griffin : Mom, can I be excused from the table? Stewie is gonna help me with my math homework.

    Lois Griffin : Honey, don't be silly. He's only a baby.

    Stewie Griffin : Right, and you are a regular Rhodes Scholar yourself. Where did you graduate from? The University of Duuuuhhh?

  • Glen Quagmire : [to feminist woman]  The plight of women in this hemisphere is deplorable.

    Glen Quagmire : [to woman who likes strong men]  I can bench press 800 pounds.

    Glen Quagmire : [to woman who loves jazz music]  You, me and Coltrane till dawn, baby. Giggedy, giggedy, giggedy, giggedy!

  • Stewie Griffin : She packed my bags. Last night preflight. Zero hour 9am

    [inhales cigarette] 

    Stewie Griffin : and I'm gonna be... high... as a kite by then.

    [transparent Stewie clone #1] 

    Stewie Griffin : And I think its gonna be a long time til touch down brings me round again to find, I'm not the man they think I am at home, Oh No no! I'm a rocket man. Rocket man! Burnin out his fuse out here, Alone!

    [Transparent stewie clone #2 bow tie undone] 

    Stewie Griffin : And I think its gonna be a long time til touch down brings me down again to find, I'm not the man they think I am at home, Oh no no no! I'm a rock it man. Rocket man! burnin out his fuse out here. Alone!

  • Peter Griffin : They look at me and see a loser. Except that guy with the lazy eye... He sees a loser and a snack machine.

  • [Peter and Chris are dressed in grass skirts] 

    Peter Griffin : [slapping Chris]  No, no, no. It's "step, pivot, step, pause". Are you TRYING to piss off the volcano god?

  • [Peter saw Lois in a coffee shop talking with her old college boyfriend] 

    Peter Griffin : I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois.

  • Brian : Hey, if every woman dumped her husband for crashing a blimp into the Superbowl, no one would be married.

  • Brian Griffin : Peter, only one gift was for charity. The rest were for the family.

    Peter Griffin : No, the rest were FROM the family... weren't they? Aw crap, since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?

    Brian Griffin : I think they had a meeting about it last night.

    Peter Griffin : Why wasn't I told?

    Brian Griffin : They sent you a card, but it said 'For Peter' on it, so you must have thought it was FROM you, so you didn't uh... You know, it's just easier to call you stupid.

  • [Brian is sitting next to a woman, panting] 

    Woman : Pervert.

    Brian Griffin : Oh, don't flatter yourself, honey; I don't have any sweat glands.

  • Meg Griffin : Can I be in the play, Mom?

    Stewie Griffin : Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.

  • Brian Griffin : I've been to New York. It's like Prague sans the whimsy.

  • [Stewie is sitting in between Meg and Peter dressed like a prostitute] 

    Stewie : [to Meg]  It's eerie, isn't it. Like looking into the future.

  • Stewie : Mark my words, your uppance shall come.

  • Meg Griffin : How could you embarrass me like that? Nobody better pull this kind of crap at my slumber party tonight.

    Lois Griffin : Don't worry, honey. You and your friends are gonna have a great time.

    Stewie Griffin : Yes. How delightful it will be. A pubescent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music and jellybeans and stickers.

  • Stewie Griffin : The breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I don't... I have no problem... it's just there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore. Uh... I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God! Wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"

  • Peter Griffin : Oh, boy! I remember my first job. I was in a folk music trio.

    [cuts to a room in the 1970s, Peter is sitting with Art Garfunkel and Paul Simon] 

    Peter Griffin : Hey, how about "Here's to You, Mrs. Fleckenstein"?

    Paul Simon : Yeah, you've been pitching that for an hour. It's just not a very attractive name.

    Peter Griffin : [petulant]  Oh, fine, fine. I guess were also not going with "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Lowery's Seasoning Salt."

    [scoffs, leaves] 

    Peter Griffin : That's it, I'm going to 'Nam.

  • [after Stewie gets taken into an ethnically diverse foster family] 

    Indian boy : Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban?

    Stewie : Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country.

    Indian boy : Yee, would your people really do this?

    Stewie : Try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen who in turn sells them to Ura's people so that they can ethnically clense the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you all understand, yes? You all hate each other!

    [Children start crying] 

  • [Peter is watching a pornographic video] 

    Woman on Tape : How about some whipped cream...

    Peter Griffin : Ohh! That's always good.

    Woman on Tape : ...and some cinnamon.

    Peter Griffin : Ohh! Oh, that's good too.

    Woman on Tape : And then guess what? I'm going to add...

    Peter Griffin : Ah, Jeez! If she says "Mrs. Dash" I'm going to lose it.

  • [in a turtle-shaped pool float] 

    Stewie : My God, I'm to entrust my life to a turtle - nature's "D" student?

  • Stewie : [talking over speaker]  Welcome Man in White, I've been expecting you.

    Cult Leader : W-who said that? Who's there?

    Stewie : Peek-a-Boo, I see you!

    [Man in White walks to the closet] 

    Stewie : You're getting warmer...

    [Man in White opens closet door to discover a walkie talkie] 

    Cult Leader : Where are you? What do you want?

    Stewie : Freedom! What do you want?

    Cult Leader : I wanna get the hell out of here!

    Stewie : Oh, I'm sorry, we're fresh out of that, all we have left is untimely death!

    [Stewie appears with a laser gun in his hand] 

    Cult Leader : What the hell is this?

    Stewie : It's a boy.

    [Stewie fires at Man in White] 

  • [Brian Singing to Stewie] 

    Brian Griffin : I'll bet money / You'll marry a honey / Who's pretty and funny / And her name will be Ted.

  • Peter Griffin : Quiet, sweetie. Men are talking.

  • [Brian is at Stewie's party. A clown holding a soda siphon passes] 

    Brian Griffin : Hey you, hit me!

    [the clown squirs soda water into Brian's Martini glass] 

    Brian Griffin : Now if I can just find a midget with some gin I'll be in business.

  • Lois Griffin : Peter, where the hell have you been? We had a date.

    Peter Griffin : Oh sorry, honey, I must have lost track of the time. But what do you say, eh? 'Think the guys will like it?

    Lois Griffin : This is why you missed our dinner? To make a bar for your friends?

    Peter Griffin : Yeah, isn't it great? Oh boy, I feel just like Tim Allen. I build stuff and I have a criminal record.

    [grunts] 

  • [waiting in line for bathroom after drinking prune smoothie] 

    Peter Griffin : Hooold it... hooooold it...

  • Peter Griffin : [Peter's letter to Fox about "Coach", hyphens around the sections that get deleted by TippEx]  if you don't put 'coach' back on the air i'll -be really upset. the s- kill -ful acting of- craig t. nelson -will be missed a lot- signed peter griffin

  • Rising Stars Instructor : Look, it's your first marquee!

    [the sign reads "Simon & Garfunkel" followed by "Olivia & Stewie"] 

    Olivia : It's pretty cool, huh?

    Stewie Griffin : The marquee or the other thing?

    Olivia : What other thing?

    Stewie Griffin : You know- the sex... with Simon. I mean, why else would your name be first?

    Olivia : Well, it makes sense ya know. Lead with strength, put your BEST foot forward.

    [pause] 

    Stewie Griffin : So the sex was good?

  • Peter Griffin : Brian, tape this for me.

    Brian Griffin : Oh, sorry. The VCR hasn't worked since you tried to tape Monday Night Football.

    [Flashback: FBI Agents burst in just as Peter is about to tape] 

    FBI Agent : Do you have the expressed written consent of ABC Sports and the National Football League?

    Peter Griffin : Just ABC.

    [FBI Agents blow the VCR to bits] 

  • [repeated line] 

    Stewie Griffin : Good Lord!

  • Doctor : A child incapable of behaving to the satisfaction of a teacher? I've heard of this, but I never thought I'd see it in my lifetime...

  • Peter Griffin : [drunk, to male coworker]  Why don't you look me in the eye when we make love?

  • [repeated line] 

    Peter Griffin : Holy crap!

  • Stewie Griffin : I was making radio shows for fun! Everybody does it! Well, everybody I know. Shut up!

  • Peter Griffin : Okay, Doc, let's give her some pills to switch that mouth off, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap.

  • Stewie Griffin : [Madlibs]  Oh, how ruthlessly absurd!

  • Peter Griffin : [bringing Stewie back from the Maternity Ward]  Okay, little guy, it's down to you! Save. This. Family.

  • Brian Griffin : [Heaven]  Look at us! Who'd have thought I'd ever be hanging out with Hemmingway, Van Gogh and Cobain! How'd you all end up here?

    Ernest Hemmingway : Well, I collapsed under the weight of my own genius, and so I shot myself.

    Kurt Cobain : I didn't want my music to become part of some Corporate Mechanism, so I shot myself.

    Vincent Van Gogh : I couldn't reconcile the beauty of the World with the way people around me were living, so I shot myself.

    Brian Griffin : ...I got into the garbage and ate some chocolate.

  • Stewie Griffin : [to bully]  I've worked out why you do this, from some deep inner pain, so I thought what would help IS SOME OUTER PAIN!

    [fires laser] 

  • Greased-Up Deaf Guy : Yes, I'm Greased-Up and, yes, I'm Deaf, but what else am I?

  • Peter Griffin : Don't you know about the Bird? Everybody knows that the Bird is the Word.

  • Stewie Griffin : She said a swear!

  • Peter Griffin : All right, as a Rich Dad I will now expect you to compete for my attention while I remain cold, distant and unimpressed.

    Chris Griffin : Well, Dad, I came second in the School Boat Race.

    Peter Griffin : Sounds like another Dad out there is happier than me...

    Meg Griffin : I got an article in the School Newspaper.

    Peter Griffin : That is because I had it arranged.

    Chris Griffin : I was thinking of joining the Army.

    Peter Griffin : No, Meg, as a girl your life has no inherent worth. Now I'm going to gaze at an expensive piece of scrimshaw. Proud sons of New Bedford all. Ah, that's good scrimshaw.

  • Peter Griffin : [Large Plume]  Marital Woes continue to bedevil me. Dib-dib-dib-dib-dib-dib-dib...

  • Brian Griffin : I've done worse. I replaced Peter's I Can't Believe it's Not Butter with real Butter...

    Peter Griffin : [Has some toast]  What... I... Can't... Believe...

    [cut to him being strapped down in an Asylum] 

    Peter Griffin : WAAAH! WAAH!

    Lois Griffin : Yes, but Doctor, I think it might have been real butter.

    Doctor : Your husband killed three children!

  • Stewie Griffin : Can I see Mommy now?

    British Nanny : There, there you're born now. That's enough of this Mommy Nonsense!

    [Leaves him] 

    Stewie Griffin : Not even a stuffed bear to hug?

  • Peter Griffin : Some say Love it is a River that drowns the tender Reed/ Some say Love it is a Razor that leaves your Soul to Bleed...

  • Carter Pewterschmidt : People of France, may I have your attention? A depressed good looking guy smoking a cigarette is not a movie.

  • Peter Griffin : I think your father's Gay.

    Glen Quagmire : Gay? We should all be so Gay!

  • Stewie Griffin : When the World is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.

  • Peter Griffin : On the way home he poisoned me with Polonium Tea. All my hair fell out and I lost a third of my bodyweight. That is our President's best friend.

  • Peter Griffin : Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank.

  • Peter Griffin : I did not care for The Godfather. It insists upon itself.

  • Peter Griffin : Please leave a message after the Blorp.

    [Blorp] 

  • Peter Griffin : The Great Gatsby! A book written by the only respected guy called Scott.

  • Stewie Griffin : If you want to learn more about Drugs, then why not go to your local Library? There's probably a guy behind there selling Drugs...

  • Peter Griffin : [Bar burned down]  We need to find another photo of his wife! There's one!

    Cleveland : No, that's Bruno Mars.

    Peter Griffin : Who's she?

    Cleveland : She's a he, and he's not Black or White. He's a crazy mixed-up Future Person!

  • Joe Swanson : [snatches gun off Quagmire]  I'm keeping this until you start thinking straight!

    Gun : Use it on yourself, Joe. There's more than one bullet in here!

    Joe Swanson : On second thoughts, maybe you should look after this.

    [gives gun to Cleveland] 

    Gun : Are you really gonna sit there after all the shit the White Man has put you through?

    Cleveland : You take this.

    [Hands gun to Peter] 

    Gun : Hey Peter! With me you could get free tacos!

    Peter Griffin : [Holding up Taco Store]  And I did!

  • Stewie Griffin : You gonna go out into the Country and let the AIDS blow through your hair?

  • Brian Griffin : [AA Meeting]  Are we allowed to have a different opinion?

  • Peter Griffin : Hey look, there's Oral Roberts University! And there's Anal Roberts University! That's a hard place to get into, but you'll be surprised how much you like it once you're there.

  • Glen Quagmire : [book club]  I know you're very well read, Angela, but my point is that this is poetry, and with poetry you can't BE wrong!

  • Stewie Griffin : Meanwhile two toothless homeless people shared 50 seconds of lust in an alley. They would become the grandparents of the guys from Oasis.

  • Brian Griffin : God, England sucks now.

  • Peter Griffin : [Congress]  What you're forgetting is that anyone who doesn't want to go to War is Gay.

  • Peter Griffin : We know the problem, we'll all depressed! Let's go and stare out of separate windows of the house.

  • Peter Griffin : I'm an android Ninja from Planet England.

  • Peter Griffin : Ah, it's a Mustache kind of morning...

  • Peter Griffin : Wow, Louis CK?

    Louis CK : Yes.

    Peter Griffin : Well, if you like us, everybody has to!

    Louis CK : Yes.

    [Leaves] 

    Peter Griffin : I'm glad he got Big Enough that we could do this...

  • Peter Griffin : That's the deal you make with the Gods of Fun: every 72 hours you lose a day.

  • Cleveland : I have a weird fat boy too. Would you like a hug?

    Peter Griffin : Birthdays are the hardest.

  • Brian Griffin : Hey, Peter, I brought you some Heirloom Tomato Seeds.

    Peter Griffin : That's nice Brian, here's a Special Kind of Meth you can put in your Pee-Hole!

  • Peter Griffin : Hey God, we know we Cyberbullied that Girl to Death, but we still want a Snowmobile...

  • Peter Griffin : The Global Community's Inaction during the Holocaust was Unforgivable.

  • Olivia : Check out the Asian Businessman!

    Stewie Griffin : [to the tune of Chopsticks]  I work really hard 'cos I'm no fun!

  • Brian Griffin : [Time Travel]  It's so great to meet you! You're why I want to be a writer!

    Ernest Hemmingway : Well I always like talking about writing!

    Brian Griffin : I know man! I mean, if only we could chop off these arms and attach the pen to the heart!

    [Hemmingway shoots himself. Brian runs back to Stewie and Chris] 

    Brian Griffin : I got his pen!

  • Stewie Griffin : Ah, the World of Books! "Horton hears Domestic Violence in the next Apartment but doesn't call 911"...

  • Stewie Griffin : [Pregnant, getting heckled]  Well, what about you? You look over forty, which means whatever you've got in there is Brain-Damaged!

  • Brian Griffin : I warn you, if you kill me the Internet will freak out!

  • Peter Griffin : There is no Peter, only Zool!

  • Peter Griffin : Don't worry Quagmire, it's cool! This is the Doctor who killed Michael Jackson.

  • Stewie Griffin : [Child Actor]  I'm not supposed to use my voice for non-paying stuff, Brian.

  • Stewie Griffin : [to Dying Therapist]  Sorry, this for me is like: No Biggie.

  • Peter Griffin : We all know that no woman anywhere ever wants to have sex ever...

  • Peter Griffin : It is my duty as a Bad Father to prove I can do anything my kids can do.

  • Peter Griffin : Nothing makes sense in these Swamp Monster times!

  • Peter Griffin : Now, let's drink until we uncover repressed memories of abuse by a Trusted Religious Official!

    Cleveland : Oh, come on Peter, who- Oh, Father Jackson, how could you!

  • Peter Griffin : [British Pub]  This is a Dark and Evil place.

  • Peter Griffin : Rhode Island's a mess from top to bottom.

  • Carter Pewterschmiidt : Gentlemen, this is Peter, the Idiot my Daughter married.

  • Peter Griffin : Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You know, people often ask me "Peter, how does an idiot like you end up with a smokin' hot wife like Lois? It just doesn't make any sense!" Well, some feel it's due to a nurturing instinct present in many women which compels them to save a lost cause such as myself. Others suggest it's just a dramatic way for Lois to get back at her Dad. And Mission Accomplished there, because that guy really hates me like poison...

  • Stewie Griffin : Anyone wearing a nightgown at 2pm is not a happy person.

  • Peter Griffin : I'm just poking at your funny bone.

  • Peter Griffin : Remember, most drugs are prescribed to you because a Hot Girl with a Rolling Suitcase gave your Doctor a Free Pen.

  • Hawaiian Shirt Vendor : How about you, Big Island?

    Peter Griffin : Wow, Heart Disease looks beautiful wrapped in a Floral Pattern!

  • Stewie Griffin : Your Mother seems nice.

    Rich Kid : Yes, I've only met her a couple of times, but yes.

  • Peter Griffin : I'm bisexual! Like every member of the Coastguard.

  • Jiminy Cricket : Hello, Peter! I'm your Conscience!

    Peter Griffin : Ah! Bug!

    [squashes Jiminy] 

    Jiminy Cricket's Sister-in-Law : Sharon, you laid a place for Jiminy again!

    Jiminy Cricket's Widow : Oh, yes. Oh, why! Why did he have to go around giving strangers advice! Wasn't being a Paediatric Oncologist enough for him?

    Jiminy Cricket's Sister-in-Law : He hit on me at your wedding.

  • Stewie Griffin : ...Teapot Dome Scandal...

  • Peter Griffin : I'll just have four or five beers to stop the shaking, and then I'll go outside.

  • Stewie Griffin : At least I'll die mildly clever.

  • Peter Griffin : Stop worshipping me! I'm just a big phony, like the Moon Landing or Marky Mark's hog at the end of Boogie Nights.

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs


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