My Fellow Americans (1996) Poster

Jack Lemmon: President Russell P. Kramer



  • [Russell Kramer's made-up words to "Hail to the Chief."] 

    Russell Kramer : Hail to the chief, he's the chief and he needs hailing. He is the chief, so everybody hail like crazy. Hail to... that's more or less how it...

  • Russell Kramer : When you were in the White House, who was the person you were most excited to meet?

    Matt Douglas : Nelson Mandela.

    Russell Kramer : I'm not a reporter.

    Matt Douglas : Ella Fitzgerald.

    Russell Kramer : Ah.

    Matt Douglas : Mandela was a great man, but he couldn't sing worth a shit.

  • Russell Kramer : There was only one assassination attempt on me. You had three.

    Matt Douglas : Two. The woman in Phoenix doesn't count. She only had a starter pistol.

  • Russell Kramer : I was Time Magazine's Man of the Year.

    Matt Douglas : So was Hitler.

    Russell Kramer : Not twice.

  • Russell Kramer : When this is over, promise me we'll come back and look for my balls.

  • Matt Douglas : Well, I don't think you had anything to do with Charlie's death, but I'm pretty sure you're involved in this mess somehow.

    Russell Kramer : I'm involved? But, what about you? You were the one sittin' in the car next to a dead man.

    Matt Douglas : Well, now you know. I enjoy spending time with dead men. You don't believe me? Go ahead and die. It'll perk me right up.

  • Russell Kramer : Did you ever have one of her pizzas?

    Matt Douglas : Oh.

    Russell Kramer : It was like a wet dream with a crust.

    Matt Douglas : A wet dream?

    Russell Kramer : Huh?

    Matt Douglas : I don't think I need to hear Russell P. Kramer saying the words "wet dream." I'll wake up screaming every night 'til I die.

  • Matt Douglas : You're a whore. Admit it. Admit you're a big whore. Go ahead.

    Russell Kramer : Name three women from the District of Columbia that you didn't bang when you were in office - what am I talking about? Name one.

    Matt Douglas : Screw you.

    Russell Kramer : Blow me.

    [Rifles fire] 

  • FBI Sniper : [Meeting in the Oval office with the presidents]  We've met before sir

    Russell Kramer : I don't think so

    FBI Sniper : Oh we have sir, somewhere...


    FBI Sniper : over the rainbow

    [raises eyebrows and nod slightly] 

  • Matt Douglas : [after Wayne gives a confused, inaccurate depiction of what he thinks Mt. Rushmore will be like]  You've gotta' be kidding, right, Wayne? You've got Lincoln mixed up with George Washington, and you've got the Roosevelts mixed up with Davy Crockett. Do you have *any* idea what you're talking about?

    Wayne : Uh, no disrespect, sir, but you're in my car.

    Matt Douglas : Well, you're in my country - *our* country. Get your facts straight! How do you expect your son to respect the nation's history if *you* don't? That kind of ignorance is dangerous!

    Wayne : Forget our nation's history... what about our nation right now? The country's fallin' apart, people losin' their homes. They can't find work. You talk about ignorance, *you're* the ignorant ones, both of you. Why, you've... you've ignored the voice of the people!

    Russell Kramer : [Slightly incredulous]  Oh, the "voice of the people"? There is no such thing! You've got 240 million voices all yellin' for something different. The only thing you all seem to agree on is you don't want higher taxes. "The voice of the people" my fanny!

    Genny : Pull over, Wayne.

  • Matt Douglas : Just get out of the chopper!

    Russell Kramer : What?

    Matt Douglas : Get out of the chopper!

    Russell Kramer : The crops?

    Matt Douglas : GET OUT!

  • Russell Kramer : It's a kick in the balls. Sorry, sweetheart.

    Margaret Kramer : Please, I'm a politician's wife. I have a set of my own.

  • Russell Kramer : Oh, yeah, I'm about to share my coffee with the Washington Love Machine. No dice. You could spit in a Petri dish and start a whole new civilization.

  • Matt Douglas : [Presidents Douglas and Kramer lead a White House tour as fast as possible in order to get to the Oval Office in time]  Okay, this is the Green Room...

    Russell Kramer : [No pause]  It's green.

    Matt Douglas : [No pause]  And its a room.

    Russell Kramer : [No pause]  Hence its name.

    Matt Douglas : [No pause]  Any questions?

    Russell Kramer : [No pause]  None from me.

    Matt Douglas : [No pause, both Presidents start to move on down the hall]  Okay, then shall we?

  • [last lines] 

    Matt Douglas : Hey, money! Did you drop that?

    Russell Kramer : Yeah, that's mine.

    Matt Douglas : My fellow Americans!

    Russell Kramer : You son of a...

  • Russell Kramer : Well, as usual, the Republican comes up with a plan while the Democrat just aimlessly wanders in the woods.

  • Russell Kramer : Kaye. What a... lovely surprise. And how is my favorite television newsperson?

    Kaye Griffin : Oh, I'm your favorite? I thought Diane Sawyer was your favorite.

    Russell Kramer : She is. How is she?

  • Russell Kramer : [about his "Constellation" watch]  Oh, this really steams my clams. There are only two watches like that in the entire world. Reagan has one, and now Shamu, the killer hick, has the other.

  • Russell Kramer : Oh, geez... he's squeezin' my breast again.

    Matt Douglas : Well, this time, pretend not to enjoy it.

  • Russell Kramer : The people will believe us!

    Matt Douglas : Why

    Russell Kramer : Because we're presidents

    [long silence] 

    Russell Kramer : Okay they won't believe us... what the hell are we supposed to do now?

  • Bruce : [Jim is a Caucasian Secret Serivce agent]  Sir, message from the President.

    Russell Kramer : Oh, thanks Jim.

    Bruce : Jim's off today, Sir. I'm Bruce.

    Russell Kramer : Oh, sorrry. You and Jim look very much alike.

    Bruce : Jim's Black, Sir.

  • President William Haney : [after driving off the tee]  You know, I've actually thought about playing professionally.

    Russell Kramer : Well, gee, I don't know about that, Bill. I think the ladies' tour likes their players to be a little more masculine.

  • Matt Douglas : [Picks up talking President Kramer doll at the Kramer Library gift shop]  Oh, you gotta be kidding me

    Russell Kramer : [Kramer's voice after Douglas pulls the doll's string]  "Our dreams are like our children."

    Russell Kramer : Ah,huh?

    Russell Kramer : [Kramer's voice after Douglas pulls the doll's string again]  "Don't you fall into the trap. Democrats are full of crap."

    Russell Kramer : Anything you like I can get for you at cost.

    Matt Douglas : [Drops the doll]  I feel dirty.

  • Russell Kramer : When it comes time for a rest, there's no place like Cleveland.

  • Matt Douglas : Nice going Mario

    Russell Kramer : Shut up!

  • Matt Douglas : [to the pilots after commandeering the helicopter]  You guys said you need to maintain radio silence?

    [Shoots the radio] 

    Russell Kramer : Douglas, you shouldn't fire off a gun in an enclosed area. You could cause permanent hearing damage!

    Matt Douglas : Get out of the cockpit.

    Russell Kramer : [loudly]  What?

    Matt Douglas : [louder]  Get out of the cockpit!

    Russell Kramer : The crops?

    Matt Douglas : GET OUT!

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

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