Dumb and Dumber (1994)
Jeff Daniels: Harry
Harry Dunne : According to the map, we've only gone 4 inches.
Harry Dunne : [a large bus full of gorgeous women in bikinis pull up beside them and three step out]
Bikini Girl : Hi, guys. We're going on a national bikini tour, and we're looking for two oil boys who can grease us off before each competition.
Harry Dunne : You are in luck! There's a town about three miles that way. I'm sure you'll find a couple guys there.
Bikini Girl : [baffled] Okay, thanks.
[the doors close and the bus drives off. After a second, Lloyd turns to Harry]
Lloyd Christmas : Do you realize what you've done?
[they run after the bus]
Lloyd Christmas : HEY! HEY!
Harry Dunne : Lloyd! Lloyd!
[the bus stops and opens the doors]
Lloyd Christmas : [panting] You'll have to excuse my friend. He's a little slow. The town is back *that* way.
Harry Dunne : [after Lloyd trades the van in for a moped] You know, Lloyd, just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!
Harry Dunne : She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
Lloyd Christmas : [Reaching over Joe Mantelino] You're it.
Harry Dunne : You're it.
Lloyd Christmas : You're it, quitsies!
Harry Dunne : Anti-quitsies, you're it, quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!
Lloyd Christmas : You can't do that!
Harry Dunne : Can too!
Lloyd Christmas : Cannot, stamp it!
Harry Dunne : Can too, double stamp it, no erasies!
Lloyd Christmas : Cannot, triple stamp, no erasies, Touch blue make it true.
Harry Dunne : No, you can't do that... you can't triple stamp a double stamp, you can't triple stamp a double stamp! Lloyd!
Lloyd Christmas : [hands over ears] LA LA LA LA LA LA!
Harry Dunne : LLOYD! LLOYD! LLOYD!
Joe Mentalino : GUYS! ENOUGH!
Harry Dunne : So you got fired again, eh?
Lloyd Christmas : Oh yeah. They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, you know?
Harry Dunne : Yeah, well, I lost my job too.
Lloyd Christmas : Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.
Harry Dunne : No, none taken. You know what really chaps my ass though? I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog. The alarm alone cost me two hundred.
Lloyd Christmas : Hey, chicks love it. It's a shaggin' wagon.
Lloyd Christmas : I'll bet you twenty bucks I can get you gambling before the end of the day!
Harry Dunne : No way!
Lloyd Christmas : I'll give you three to one odds.
Harry Dunne : No.
Lloyd Christmas : Five to one.
Harry Dunne : No.
Lloyd Christmas : Ten to one?
Harry Dunne : You're on!
Lloyd Christmas : I'm gonna get ya!
Harry Dunne : Nuh uh!
Lloyd Christmas : I don't know how, but I'm gonna get ya.
Harry Dunne : I don't get it, Lloyd. She told me ten o' clock, sharp! Are you sure you went to the right bar?
Lloyd Christmas : Yep. I'm pretty sure. Lobby bar right by the lobby.
Harry Dunne : [sighs]
Lloyd Christmas : Maybe she just had a change of heart.
Harry Dunne : Oh, that pisses me off! That pisses me right off! I hate when women do that. She wanted to see you again! And now no? Now... Wait a minute! Wait! She must have meant ten o' clock at night!
Lloyd Christmas : Do you think...?
Harry Dunne : Why would she have you meet her in a bar at ten in the morning?
Lloyd Christmas : I just figured she was a raging alcoholic.
Harry Dunne : What's her last name? I'll look it up.
Lloyd Christmas : You know, I don't really recall. Starts with an S! Let's see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson?
Harry Dunne : Maybe it's on the briefcase.
Lloyd Christmas : Oh, yeah! It's right here.
[He reads the manufacturer's name, which is Samsonite]
Lloyd Christmas : Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.
State Trooper : [Harry is driving fast and a cop is behind him and Lloyd] Pull over!
Harry Dunne : What?
State Trooper : Pull over!
Harry Dunne : [realizes he's holding beer bottles that Lloyd urinated in; shows his sweater] No, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticin'!
Lloyd Christmas : Yeah, killer boots, man!
State Trooper : Pull your vehicle to the side of the road! License and registration, please. You fellas were going a little fast back there, wouldn't you say? You fellas been doing a bit of boozin', have ya? Suckin back on grandpa's old cough medicine?
Harry Dunne : No, sir.
Lloyd Christmas : No.
State Trooper : [points to the beer bottles] Yeah, well what's that?
Harry Dunne : That's nothing, sir.
Lloyd Christmas : Yeah, nothing.
State Trooper : Yeah, well are you aware that it's against the law to have an open alcohol container here in the state of Pennsylvania? Come on, give me that booze, you little pumpkin pie, hair-cutted freak, come on!
[Harry complies; the cop prepares to drink it, not knowing that Lloyd peed in it]
Harry Dunne : Sir, no! Wait, wait, wait!
Lloyd Christmas : No, sir, don't!
State Trooper : You keep your mouth shut if you know it's good for ya, buddy!
[takes a swig, only to realize he just drank urine]
Lloyd Christmas : Tic-Tac, sir?
State Trooper : Get the hell out of here!
[on the verge of gagging]
Harry Dunne : [shivering] I can't feel my f-fingers anymore, Lloyd. They're-they're numb!
Lloyd Christmas : Maybe you should wear these extra gloves.
Lloyd Christmas : [takes off gloves over another pair of gloves] My hands are starting to get sweaty.
Harry Dunne : Extra gloves? You've had this pair of extra gloves this whole time?
Lloyd Christmas : [obliviously] Yeah, we're in the Rockies!
Harry Dunne : I'm gonna kill you.
Harry Dunne : Where's the booze?
Lloyd Christmas : I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. I didn't even see it coming.
Harry Dunne : Oh, no, no.
Lloyd Christmas : Come on, Harry.
Harry Dunne : It gets worse. My parakeet, Petey.
Lloyd Christmas : Yeah?
Harry Dunne : He's dead.
Lloyd Christmas : Oh, man, I'm sorry. What happened?
Harry Dunne : His head fell off.
Lloyd Christmas : His head fell off?
Harry Dunne : Yeah. He was pretty old.
Harry Dunne : That was genius, Lloyd, sheer genius. I mean where did you come up with a scam like that?
Lloyd Christmas : Saw it in a movie once.
Harry Dunne : That's incredible! So what happened, so the guy tricks some sucker into picking up his tab and gets away with it scott free?
Lloyd Christmas : No, in the movie, they catch up to him half mile down the road and slit his throat!
Harry Dunne : [Stares at Lloyd in disbelief. The speed of the engine increases]
Lloyd Christmas : Ha ha ha! It was a good one.
Lloyd Christmas : What the hell are we doing here, Harry? We gotta get out of this town!
Harry Dunne : Oh yeah, and go where? Where are we gonna go?
Lloyd Christmas : I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.
Harry Dunne : Oh, I don't know, Lloyd. The French are assholes.
Lloyd Christmas : I'm only human, Harry! Come on! Stop being a baby. So we backtracked a tad.
Harry Dunne : A tad? A tad, Lloyd? You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we don't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough money to eat, we don't have enough money to sleep!
Lloyd Christmas : Well, it's not gonna do us any good sitting here whining about it. We're in a hole. We're just going to have to dig ourselves out.
Harry Dunne : Where did you get those?
Lloyd Christmas : I bought them when we filled up.
Harry Dunne : We are supposed to talk about all expenditures Lloyd! We are on a very tight budget.
Lloyd Christmas : This didn't come out of our travel fund.
Harry Dunne : Oh.
Lloyd Christmas : Yeah, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks before we left.
Harry Dunne : Where did you get 25 extra becks?
Lloyd Christmas : I sold some stuff, to Billy in 4C.
Harry Dunne : The blind kid?
Lloyd Christmas : Yeah! Ha ha!
[Suddenly feels ashamed]
Lloyd Christmas : Yeah.
Harry Dunne : What did you sell him Lloyd?
Lloyd Christmas : Stuff.
Harry Dunne : What kinda stuff?
Lloyd Christmas : I don't know, stuff. A few baseball cards, a sack of marbles,
Lloyd Christmas : Petey.
Harry Dunne : Petey? You sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Lloyd! Petey didn't even have a head!
Lloyd Christmas : Harry, I took care of it...
[cuts to shot of Billy's hands stroking the stiff bird with it's head wrapped in scotch tape]
Billy : Pretty bird. Yes, can you say pretty bird? Pretty bird, yeah pretty bird... Polly want a cracker?
Mary Swanson : Okay, how do you guys know each other?
Lloyd Christmas : We used to be best friends.
Harry Dunne : Yeah, till he turned into a back-stabber.
Lloyd Christmas : Me, a back-stabber? You got a lot of nerve. You knew I was crazy about her!
Harry Dunne : Yeah, and you knew I was crazy about Fraida Felcher, and that didn't stop you, did it?
Lloyd Christmas : [gasps] What do you mean?
Harry Dunne : "What do you mean?" Don't deny it, Lloyd. Fraida told me the whole sleazy story, Mr. French Tickler! I guess we both learned a little something about each other today.
Lloyd Christmas : You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought. I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart like this, then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now.
Harry Dunne : You just tell me where to sign, bud.
Lloyd Christmas : Right on my ass after you kiss it!
Harry Dunne : Kiss it! You kiss mine! Both cheeks, both lips! Right here! Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!
Harry Dunne : What's with the briefcase?
Lloyd Christmas : It's a love memento. The most beautiful woman alive. I drove her to the airport. Sparks flew. Emotions ran high. She actually talked to me, man.
Harry Dunne : [flabbergasted] Get outta here.
Lloyd Christmas : Oh, yeah. Tractor beam.
Lloyd Christmas : [imitates beam noise]
Lloyd Christmas : Sucked me right in. Anyway, she left this in the terminal and flew to Aspen and outta my life.
Harry Dunne : What's in it?
Lloyd Christmas : Man. I would have to be a lowlife to go routin' around in somebody else's private property.
Harry Dunne : Is it locked?
Lloyd Christmas : Yeah, really well.
Harry Dunne : Would you like an atomic pepper, Mr. Mentalino?
Joe Mentalino : Nah, you guys go ahead.
Harry Dunne : I'll do it if you will, Lloyd.
Lloyd Christmas : Okay. You go first.
Harry Dunne : No no. You go first.
Lloyd Christmas : You go first.
Harry Dunne : You go first! I always go first!
Lloyd Christmas : You go first!
Joe Mentalino : Why don't you guys both stop acting like a couple of pussies and go at the same time, huh?
Lloyd Christmas : That sounds like a dare, Har.
Joe Mentalino : It's a *double* dare!
Harry Dunne : Yeah, okay. You're on!
Harry Dunne : [while Lloyd is urinating filling up several empty beer bottles] What are you, a camel?
[Lloyd starts making camel noises]
Lloyd Christmas : This is the life... cold beer, a hot tub and paper-thin walls. There's only one thing that could make this moment any better.
Harry Dunne : What's that?
Lloyd Christmas : If you had a nice set of knockers.
Harry Dunne : That's two things, Lloyd.
Lloyd Christmas : Yeah, well, it's a good thing you're not stacked, Harry, or I'd be banging you right now. I'd show you what a real man can do. Split you like an old piece of firewood. You'd probably like it too, you big homo.
Harry Dunne : Shut up.
Lloyd Christmas : Don't tell me to shut up, woman.
Lloyd Christmas : All we need to do is show a little class, a little sophistication, and we're in like a dirty shirt.
Harry Dunne : No problem, Lloyd. We can be classy and sophistic... Oh, check out the funbags on that hosehound.
Lloyd Christmas : I'd like to eat her liver with some fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti.
Harry Dunne : [Harry just emptied himself into Mary's broken toilet after Lloyd gave him laxatives] Flush, you bastard.
Sea Bass : [Harry accidentally throws a salt shaker at him] What the hell? Who's the dead man that hit me with the salt shaker?
[Lloyd points to Harry]
Harry Dunne : Well, it was a terrible mistake, sir. Oh, please believe me, I would never do anything to offend a man of your size.
Sea Bass Friend : Kick his ass, Sea Bass!
Sea Bass : [looks at Harry's burger] You gonna eat that?
Harry Dunne : What, that? No, yes, no. Well, no, I-I crossed my mind, yeah?
Sea Bass : [hawks a disgusting loogie in Harry's burger] Still want it?
Harry Dunne : Nah, you go ahead.
Lloyd Christmas : Mary Christmas. Mrs. Mary Christmas. Kinda catchy, huh, Harr?
Harry Dunne : Yeah yeah, that sounds nice. But, Lloyd, don't you think you might be jumping the gun a little bit? I mean, you know, who knows? You know, maybe, once you get to know her you'll find out that she's not your type.
Lloyd Christmas : [stern voice] Hey! Don't you ever say that again! She is the love of my life! The blood in my veins! We belong together till the mountains fall into the sea, till the heavens collide! Or until I get sick of her and need to move on. You hear me?
Harry Dunne : Okay, okay, okay, okay. Just calm down. Just calm down.
Joe Mentalino : So why are you guys going to Aspen? Vacation?
Lloyd Christmas : [Lloyd and Harry just sabotaged his burger with atomic peppers and are snickering] Why don't you eat up, and we'll tell ya.
Joe Mentalino : It just doesn't seem like you packed match. All I saw was one bag and a briefcase.
Harry Dunne : Well, no, no. The briefcase isn't even ours. Some lady left it at that airport. We're just bring it back to her. How's your burger?
Joe Mentalino : You mean, you don't even know her? I mean talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
[Harry and Lloyd hear a knock on their door and look through the peephole]
Harry Dunne : [whispering] There's two of 'em. One of 'em's got a gun.
Lloyd Christmas : [suspiciously] Did you pay the gas bill?
[Harry realizes he didn't, Lloyd grabs Harry's face]
Lloyd Christmas : Do you realize what you've done?
Lloyd Christmas : Let me ask you something. Do you want to end up like Petey? Dead? In some flea-ridden apartment? Face down in your own droppings? A soggy sunflower seed pressed against your beak? Come on, Harry! Don't you see what Petey was trying to say to you? You got to take life by the balls! Chew it up and spit it out! Dance to the tune of a different drummer! Spread your wings and fly and run and jump! God, help me!
Harry Dunne : I don't know if I got that from his death, Lloyd. I think his head just fell off.
Lloyd Christmas : Whatever!
[Joe Mentalino is having an ulcer attack]
Lloyd Christmas : He's resisting me!
Harry Dunne : Here.
[puts some pills in Mentalino's mouth]
Harry Dunne : Here you go. Here you go. Here you go.
Lloyd Christmas : Pills! Pills are good! Pills are good!
Harry Dunne : Drink 'em down. There you go. There you go, big guy. You want some ketchup and mustard? That helped us.
[Mentalino sees the rat poison bottle]
Joe Mentalino : Son of a bitch!
[stomach gurgles and he dies]
Lloyd Christmas : Check, please.
Harry Dunne : Weirdo.
Lloyd Christmas : Sucker of big, brown dirty eggs.
Harry Dunne : Idiot.
Lloyd Christmas : Fried teeth-licker of salmon fried fish!
Harry Dunne : Moron.
Lloyd Christmas : Raider of the Lost Fart!
Harry Dunne : Rump roast.
Lloyd Christmas : Licker of dirty chicken butts.
Harry Dunne : Buttfish.
Lloyd Christmas : Masterbatorio... er, soiler of towels.
Nicholas Andre : SHUT UP!
Beth : I'm gonna give you my number. Let's see if I can find it...
Harry Dunne : Great!
[notices his left leg is on fire]
Harry Dunne : Ha!
Beth : Okay. I know I left it in here somewhere.
Harry Dunne : [stomping his left leg] Look! Why don't you just tell it to me! I have a really good memory!
Beth : Well, the number is 555-...
[Harry repeats it almost silently]
Beth : ...-905 - . Oh wait! That's my home number. That is so weird how your mind just goes plain...
Harry Dunne : [gets impatient, still trying to stomp the fire out] FOR GOD'S SAKE! JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN NUMBER!
Beth : [looks at Harry appalled] Okay. Look guy! You're gonna get pushy, FORGET ABOUT IT!
[Beth drives off, and Harry stomps away to the bathroom to put the fire out]
[to the dogs in his van]
Harry Dunne : OK, gang, you know the rules, no humping, no licking, no sniffing hineys.
Mrs. Neugeboren : Where have you been, Dunne? My dogs were supposed to be here 40 minutes ago! Now, I hardly have any time to primp them.
Harry Dunne : Don't worry about a thing, Mrs. Noogy-Burger
Mrs. Neugeboren : Neugeboren!
Harry Dunne : Neu-Neu-Neuge...
Mrs. Neugeboren : -boren.
Harry Dunne : Boren. These pooches are not gonna need any primping. You know why? Because I bathed them, and I clipped them myself. And I stand by my performance.
Harry Dunne : [Dogs are covered in ketchup and mustard from the rough car ride] On second thought, you may just want to run a comb through them.
Lloyd Christmas : You spilled the salt, that's what's the matter! Spilling the salt is very bad luck! We're driving across the country, the last thing we need is bad luck. Quick, toss some salt over your right shoulder.
Harry Dunne : [Tosses the entire salt shaker over his shoulder]
Sea Bass : What the hell? Who's the dead man that hit me with the salt shaker?
Harry Dunne : [on seeing the dogs covered in food] You know, on second thought, you might just want to run a comb through 'em.
Harry Dunne : Who's got the foot long?
Harry Dunne : [his tongue is frozen stuck to the ski-lift] Say... you kids wouldn't happen to have a cup of warm water would ya?