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"Columbo" Caution: Murder Can Be Hazardous to Your Health (TV Episode 1991) Poster

Quotes

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Budd Clarke: [Choking to death from a poisoned cigarette] Wade... I can't... I can't breathe. Help me.

Wade Anders: [Smiling] I told you those things were gonna kill ya.

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Columbo: [to Budd Clarke's dog] Oh, you're a girl! Gee, you have more life in you than my dog.

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Columbo: My niece's green thumb couldn't make hedges grow that fast.

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Columbo: [on set for a TV award ceremony] Can you tell me something? Is Roseanne Barr here?

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Budd Clarke: Well, you certainly have done all right for yourself.

Wade Anders: Still smoking four pack a day, Budd? You need me for something?

Budd Clarke: Well, as a matter of fact, there is something.

Wade Anders: Make it fast, Budd, I got a show to do.

Budd Clarke: Oh, well, I, uh... I think I have a story that you, uh... that you might be interested in.

Wade Anders: Well, why don't you let Henry read it? And if it's interesting, we'll get back to you.

Budd Clarke: No, I don't think so. It's a very special story. For your ears only.

Wade Anders: Budd, I would really rather you not smoke in here.

[Budd blows smoke in his face]

Budd Clarke: I just received a video from an old buddy. It was something that he thought I might find... enjoyable. And he was right.

Wade Anders: Budd, I told you, I don't have the time right now.

Budd Clarke: Holly Does Houston. Has a nice ring to it. It's really something you should look at, Wade.

Wade Anders: Go on.

Budd Clarke: Oh! I see that I have your interest now.

Wade Anders: I'm listening.

Budd Clarke: Turns out that our young film star gave quite a performance. As did his underage co-star. Not exactly Disney, if you know what I mean?

Wade Anders: Why are you sharing this information with me now?

Budd Clarke: Because I just couldn't forget the choice bits that you laid on Salzburg about my not having the right image for the show. That was some hatchet-job you did on me.

Wade Anders: Budd, it's not my fault you fell off the wagon again.

Budd Clarke: Well, there's not that much in my background to compare to yours, now, is there?

Wade Anders: What is it you want?

Budd Clarke: You're not a stupid man, Wade. Crime Alert was supposed to be my show. I'm the one with the qualifications. 19 years invested in this business. It was a lock and everybody knew it.

Wade Anders: Everybody? Obviously not Jake Salzburg. He knew what I was capable of.

Budd Clarke: No, what you were capable of was licking the right boots. Oh, you're smooth. You're smooth, all right. I mean, you're really smooth. But what do you think Salzburg and the rest of your adoring audience would day if they knew that you did skin flicks? Our Wonder Boy crime fighter.

Wade Anders: Look, Budd, get...

Budd Clarke: No, you look, Wade. 'Cause if it gets out that you did skin flicks...

[swifts his thumb across his throat]

Wade Anders: Get to the point!

Budd Clarke: The point... is that you're going to lose the show. That's what the point is. Of course, you do have a choice. You can leave with your reputation intact. I'm sure there's others out there who would go for your particular brand of charm. Or you can be... my lead story on the 11:00 news.

[hands Wade a folded piece of paper. Wade opens it up to reveal the headline: "CRIME ALERT HOST EXPOSED AS PORN STAR"]

Budd Clarke: So, which will it be, Wade?

Henry Santos: [walks in on Budd and Wade] Camera's ready, Wade.

Wade Anders: I'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE!

[as Henry leaves, Wade crumples up the paper Budd gave him]

Wade Anders: Where's the rest of it?

Budd Clarke: Just polishing it on my computer at home.

Wade Anders: We'll have to talk about this some more, privately. Right now, I've got a show to do.

Budd Clarke: Certainly. We, uh... We can meet...

[takes out a small card and writes on it]

Budd Clarke: ... tomorrow night at my house, 6:00 p.m.

[hands Wade the card]

Budd Clarke: Don't be late.

Wade Anders: I'll be there.

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George: It's a good thing you ordered a toxicology report, Columbo.

Columbo: Why?

George: Because that's the only way this can be traced.

Columbo: Really?

George: [hands Columbo a clipboard] The victim died of acute nicotine poisoning. Three times the lethal amount introduced through the lungs.

Columbo: Like in cigarette smoking?

George: No. Nicotine in cigarettes metabolizes more slowly in the body. That's why it takes longer to kill smokers.

Columbo: If it wasn't nicotine in the cigarettes, then what was it?

George: A highly concentrated form. Nicotine sulfate, one of the most poisonous substances around. Paralyzes the lungs, the heart action goes nuts. Bingo, you are dead.

Columbo: That quick?

George: With the amount he had in his system, he must have died within minutes of ingestion.

Columbo: Thank you, George.

George: You're welcome, Lieutenant.

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