Dianne Wiest: Helen
Helen : It sounds like a boy Garry's age needs a man around the house.
Tod : Well, it depends on the man. I had a man around. He used to wake me up every morning by flicking lit cigarettes at my head. He'd say, "Hey, asshole, get up and make me breakfast." You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, or drive a car. Hell, you need a license to catch a fish! But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.
Julie : [door slams as Tod leaves after having a fight with Julie] If he thinks I'm having his baby now, he's crazy!
Helen : [shocked] Baby?
George Bowman : Your daughter's having a baby?
Helen : [even more shocked] A baby?
George Bowman : You're going to be a grandma?
Helen : [laughs incredulously] No, no, no, no. I'm too young to be a grandmother. Grandmothers are old. They bake, and they sew, and they tell you stories about the Depression.
Helen : I was at Woodstock, for Christ's sake! I peed in a field! I hung on to The Who's helicopter as it flew away!
George Bowman : I was at Woodstock.
Helen : [shouts] Oh yeah? I thought you looked familiar!
Tod : Can I speak frankly, no holds barred?
Tod : That is one messed up little dude. We can talk straight?
[Helen nods again]
Tod : Um, a few months ago, Garry got his first... boner. You know what that is?
Helen : If memory serves.
Tod : Aw, great! Anyway, since then, he's been... uh... slappin' the salami. No offense.
Helen : No.
Tod : Apparently, he's goin' for a world record. Anyway, he was afraid there was something wrong with him, you know? Like he was a pervert or something. I told him that's what little dudes do - we've all done it. It made him happy.
Helen : Garry was happy?
Tod : He even smiled! I never even knew he had teeth!
Susan Buckman Merrick : [after breaking the lock on Gary's bedroom door and searching it, Helen finds some sex tapes and plays one - graphic sex sounds from the television as Susan and Grandma enter the room] Helen? Oh, the door was unlocked.
[sees the sex action on the television]
Grandma : What channel is this?
Helen : No Gran, this is a tape.
Grandma : [to Susan] She needs a man... Now!
Helen : Gran, this isn't mine. I don't watch this!
Grandma : [to Susan again as they are leaving the room and speaking of the sex action on the television] One of those men reminded me of your Grandpa. God bless him!
Helen : [whimpers as she flips through the stack of sex photos of Julie and Tod]
[Julie enters the room and Helen holds up a picture]
Helen : I... I... I think this this one is my favorite.
Julie : It was just for fun, Mom.
Helen : Well, I'm glad to know it's not a job. That's that Tod, isn't it? There's one with his face.
[as she looks closer at the photos]
Julie : Is that what bothers you? That I did those things? Or that I did those things with Tod?
Helen : Gee whiz, Julie, so many things bother me about this, I don't know where to separate them.
[holds up a different photo]
Helen : Oh! Whoo! Here's something for my wallet!
Julie : Tod is very important to me.
Helen : And we've got the photos to prove it!
[as she holds up the sex photos again]
Julie : Mom...
Helen : [looking again at the photos] This is your room. You did these things right here? In my house?
Julie : Well, I thought someone in this house ought to be having sex. I mean with something that doesn't require batteries.
[after finding her 15-year-old son's bag full of porno tapes]
Helen : l assume you're watching these because you're curious about sex... you know. Or filmmaking.
Helen : Open this door! Goddamnit! I was just like a little respect! Not a lot, just a little! Do you know why I'm having sex with machinery? Because your father went to have a party and I stayed to raise two kids, and I HAVE NO LIFE!
[about Tod and Julie's marriage]
Helen : I give them six months. Three, if she cooks.
Karen : Justin's going to go full time next year, so everybody's asking when I'm going to go back to work. Like I'm supposed to. And I'm thinking about it, I mean, I used to like work, it was OK, but... you know, I think I'm better at this, I mean, I think I'm sort of good at it, so... But then people make me feel embarrassed, like I don't have goals or something. Like I sit around here eating bonbons all day, right? Oh, I don't know.
Helen : Well, what does Gil say?
Karen : He says I should do whatever I want. I could have killed him for that.