Keanu Reeves: Tod
Helen : It sounds like a boy Garry's age needs a man around the house.
Tod : Well, it depends on the man. I had a man around. He used to wake me up every morning by flicking lit cigarettes at my head. He'd say, "Hey, asshole, get up and make me breakfast." You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, or drive a car. Hell, you need a license to catch a fish! But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.
Tod : Can I speak frankly, no holds barred?
Tod : That is one messed up little dude. We can talk straight?
[Helen nods again]
Tod : Um, a few months ago, Garry got his first... boner. You know what that is?
Helen : If memory serves.
Tod : Aw, great! Anyway, since then, he's been... uh... slappin' the salami. No offense.
Helen : No.
Tod : Apparently, he's goin' for a world record. Anyway, he was afraid there was something wrong with him, you know? Like he was a pervert or something. I told him that's what little dudes do - we've all done it. It made him happy.
Helen : Garry was happy?
Tod : He even smiled! I never even knew he had teeth!
Tod : [interrupts foreplay to take out a picture camera] Now we can record our love.