[Grampa sits down to watch Medusa on TV]
Grampa Putterman: I've said it before and I'll say it again, war stories and monster movies are educational. They're survival-oriented. They always neutralize the enemy in the end.
[Grampa see's the Putterman's new satellite dish]
Grampa Putterman: Intellectual decay! Turn it off, it'll rot your brain cells! It's an international conspiracy!
[Sherman meets O.D. for the first time]
O.D.: Hey, little dude, you into metal? Kiss the boot.
Sherman Putterman: [O.D. puts his boot up on the table in front of Sherman, as Sherman raises his assault rifle to O.D.'s crotch] Kiss the ass, bozo.
Medusa: [the alien Medusa from the backseat of the car wakes up her driver] The studio, Al, and make it snappy! Come on, come on, come on!
[Pluthar gives out his warning from the TV]
Pluthar: People of Earth, you must heed my warning. Destroy your satellite receivers. Dismantle your communications systems. Render your TV sets inoperable for the next 200 Earth years. It may already be too late.
[Spiro sees the movie playing on Stanley's TV]
Spiro: Fantastic idea for a movie! Martians diddling the women of the universe.
Stanley Putterman: Yeah, yeah, yeah... you got it, Spiro. Intergalactic swingers.
[Suzy threatens Sherman that she'll make him take his pill]
Suzy Putterman: Sherman, will you shut up about the monster! I'm gonna make you take your pill.
O.D.: Pills? What color?
Sherman Putterman: Follow me.
O.D.: All right, dude! Pill freak!
[O.D. compares the alien monster to the E.T. alien]
O.D.: [excited] Oh, this is too rude! Hey, remember that movie? You know, the one about the little space guy. Made you cry like a butthole?
Sherman Putterman: E.T., stupid.
[Suzy teaches the alien monster how important music is]
Suzy Putterman: This is music. Mu-sic. It's almost as important as food.
[the Putterman kids tells Pluthar the alien monster has killed their parents]
Pluthar: The beast has ingested Earthlings? Oh dear heavens, I'll lose my position for this.
[Medusa on the TV talks about her hair]
Medusa: I went to my hairdresser today to try my hair ratted. You like? Oh, it's really something to see. We use live rats, you know. Snakes just eat 'em up. Mm-Mmm.
[Sherman hears Medusa call for him in the TV]
Medusa: Sherman?... Sheeeerman?
Medusa: [Sherman stands in front of the TV as the camera zooms in on Medusa] Come here, Sherman. Come reeeeal close to Medusa. All set, Sherman? This one's for you, babe.
Medusa: [as Sherman sees the alien monster before appear falling back] Pleasant dreams, kiddies.
[Medusa arrives in time to kill who she thinks is the alien monster]
Sherman Putterman: Medusa!
Medusa: [Medusa sees Pluthar] Not so fast, asshole! Yah!
Medusa: [hitting Pluthar over the helmet with her purse] Ugly bastard!
Pluthar: [as Pluthar's helmet starts to lose air pressure] Uh! I'm losing pressure!
Suzy Putterman: [Pluthar falls dead] Oh, my God!
Medusa: Right in the nick of time, huh?
[the alien monster learns to say O.D.'s name]
Monster Vocal Effects: O.D., maaaan!
[the Putterman parents meet O.D. for the first time]
Suzy Putterman: It's O.D.
Stanley Putterman: O who?
Suzy Putterman: O.D., my new boyfriend.
Stanley Putterman: Oh. Irish boy?
[Cherry asks Stanley if she can go into his Jacuzzi]
Cherry: Is it cool if I get in there?
Stanley Putterman: Cool? Babe, it's a perfect 98.6. It's like floatin' in your mother's womb!
[Sherman watches Pluthar continue to give warnings thru the TV]
Pluthar: I am Pluthar, sanitation captain of Pluton. A stray energy beam containing garbage from my substation may be headed for your solar system and could possibly result in the total annihilation of your species. I'm so terribly sorry for the inconvenience.
[Suzy teaches the alien monster how important TV is]
Suzy Putterman: This is TV. T-V. Next to food and music, this is mankind's greatest invention.
Raquel Putterman: [Raquel watches her exercise program while Stanley works on the satellite dish] Stanley! Stanley! Quit screwing around... Stanley! Stanley, I'm right in the middle of my program. For Christ's sakes, Stanley!
Stanley Putterman: Lay off me, Beautiful. I almost got this baby wired.
[the alien monster has a flashback to his stud-suited creator taking care of him]
O.D.: Did you see that? He looked right at my studs and cooled out. This dude's into metal!
[Sherman and Suzy meet Pluthar]
Pluthar: Please, Earthling, there is little time. I've come to exterminate the hungry beast.
Suzy Putterman: Like, what is going on around here? What is a hungry beast?
Pluthar: On my planet, the hungry beast is a house pet, similar to your Earthly dogs and cats. But, they are highly unstable, prone to mutate wildly and eat everything in sight. When mutation occurs, they must be exterminated at once.
Sherman Putterman: You mean, like, he was somebody's pet?
Pluthar: Oh, yes, they're very lovable, before they mutate.
[Sherman confronts the alien monster in their attack]
Monster Vocal Effects: Sherman... fooood!
[Sherman tries killing the alien monster while blowing up the room they're both trapped in]
Suzy Putterman: [from the front of the house] Did you feel something?
O.D.: Yeah, like, 3.5 on the Richter scale.
[O.D. sees Pluthar on TV trying to warn the Putterman's about the alien monster invasion]
O.D.: [to Sherman and Suzy] Hey, dig this stupid movie. It's just this one dude talking.
[Sherman shoots at the alien monster as it chases after him, Suzy, and O.D]
O.D.: [dodging the bullets] Don't shoot me, dude!
[the alien monster makes a farting noise with its mouth]
O.D.: Woah, I hope this guy's house trained!
[the Putterman's discover the sludge floating in the Jacuzzi]
Raquel Putterman: Spiro...? Cherry...?
Stanley Putterman: [about Spiro] What the Hell did that homo do to the Jacooz'?
Raquel Putterman: Maybe Spiro's cocktail made someone sickie-poo.
[Cherry and Spiro express that Sherman should be in the movies]
Cherry: You know, you really got a cute kid there. Have you ever thought about putting him in the movies? I mean, I know a really sweet agent.
Raquel Putterman: Oh, God no. Sherman's much too neurotic to be an actor.
Stanley Putterman: Yeah, the only thing the kid is interested in is being a soldier.
Spiro: Ahh, such a manly pursuit - raping and pillaging and creating life, but taking it away. Like the gods of the ancient Greeks.
[the alien monster watches Medusa on TV]
Medusa: I had a date the other night. Poor fella. I turned all of the lights off and I whispered to him, 'Whatever you do, honey, don't look at me. One glance and you're hard as a rock.' Needless to say, the poor guy peeked. Now you see why I have this thing for phone freaks.
[Sherman calls Medusa to tell her he has a problem]
Sherman Putterman: This is Sherman, and I have this problem and nobody believes me.
Medusa: Well... maybe I won't believe you either. Let's hear it.
Sherman Putterman: Grampa and me, we were sleeping. And then we woke up, and there was this monster. And Grampa thought it was a burglar. And then we saw the TV guy. And then Grampa disappeared and the monster went inside the TV. Then Mom came home and locked me in the bomb shelter!
Medusa: So, tell me, Sherman. Under psychiatric care?
[Suzy asks her mother what's going on with the TV going out]
Suzy Putterman: Hey! My TV flipped out. I missed the new Noodles' video!
Raquel Putterman: Earth station Putterman is at it again.
[Suzy welcomes Grampa into the home]
Grampa Putterman: Hey, honeybee. You know anything about the U-2's?
Suzy Putterman: Uh, the band?
Grampa Putterman: No, the spy planes.
Suzy Putterman: Oh, yeah. I think I saw'em on MTV!
Grampa Putterman: MTV? Phooey!
[Raquel welcomes her father over]
Raquel Putterman: Hi, dad. How was downtown today?
Grampa Putterman: Downtown phooey! I'm sick of downtown. Used to be the place to go... talk to people, disseminate your literature. Feel like you were doin' some good in the world. Now it's just bums and weirdos and kooks coming out of the woodwork. Getting so decent folk won't even stop and talk.
[Stanley turns on the new satellite TV for the first time]
Stanley Putterman: Get ready, you guys. This baby is going to open up a whole new dimension in television pleasure.
Sherman Putterman: Oh, boy.
Raquel Putterman: Oh, Stanley, I'm so excited.
Stanley Putterman: [the TV turns on to show an Asian Samurai movie] Check it out! Dyno picture!
[Stanley changes the satellite TV channel to a porn station]
Stanley Putterman: Channel, 69, pop.
[the Putterman's see Medusa for the first time on their new satellite TV]
Medusa: Hello, bloodsuckers. Ready to be turned to stone?
Grampa Putterman: Would you look at those hooters!
Stanley Putterman: Holy tomato!
Sherman Putterman: Let's watch her tonight, okay, Grampa? All the way to midnight.
Grampa Putterman: Hell yeah, we'll watch her!
[Raquel asks Suzy what happened to her previous boyfriend]
Raquel Putterman: New Boyfriend? What happened to the Weinstein boy?
Suzy Putterman: Squidsville, Mommy, Gaa! O.D.'s the coolest boy in school, he's a musical genius.
[O.D. sees Grampa eating on the couch]
O.D.: Hey, old dude. Whatcha eatin', man?
Grampa Putterman: Lizard tail jerky. Wanna stick?
O.D.: No thanks, man. I just pigged out.
Grampa Putterman: Amazing creature, the lizard. Ya eat the tail, it don't give a hoot. Just grows another one. And ya eat it, too.
Grampa Putterman: [Grampa giggles while taking another bite] It's mighty darn tasty!
[Sherman and Grampa see the alien monster for the first time in the TV]
Sherman Putterman: Hey, this looks like a cool movie.
Grampa Putterman: Hey, he's a gross-lookin' booger, ain't he? I'd nuke that sucker!
Grampa Putterman: [the alien monster remains still making growling sounds] Well, do something, you ugly bastard!
Sherman Putterman: Man, this is the dumbest movie I ever saw.
[Sherman and Grampa watch Medusa on the new satellite TV]
Medusa: All you phone freaks out there, stay tuned.
Sherman Putterman: [Sherman smiles] Oh, boy!
Medusa: We're gonna open up the call lines to see what you perverts are up to.
Medusa: [Grampa smiles] And Medusa wants to hear some kinky... wet... nightmares.
[as the camera zooms down into Medusa's cleavage]
[Sherman and Grampa react after seeing the alien monster in their living room]
Grampa Putterman: You know what the Sam Hill it was?
Sherman Putterman: It-it looked like a-a monster.
Grampa Putterman: There's no such thing as monsters, boy. It was a God dang burglar! Let's move out!
[Sherman tries describing the alien monster to Grampa]
Sherman Putterman: [scared] It looked... weird.
Grampa Putterman: Sometimes them burglars wear Halloween masks. They scare the poop outta ya.
[Grampa and Sherman wait for the alien monster to attack]
Grampa Putterman: [fully armed] Remember boy, best way to stop the enemy... brain shot!
[Norton sees the satellite covered in sludge]
Norton: Damn, I hate these Do-It-Yourself 100's.
[Sherman and Grampa recon different parts of the house looking for the alien monster]
Sherman Putterman: Grampa? You okay?
Grampa Putterman: A-Okay, little buddy!
[Grampa chugs his alcoholic drink]
[Sherman tries calling the police for help]
Nutky: [on the phone] Now, Sherman, are you aware that what you're doing is a criminal offense?
Sherman Putterman: Huh?
Nutky: There's a law against prank phone calls.
Sherman Putterman: No, really, I swear there's a monster on TV. It ate Grampa and the TV guy.
Nutky: Now listen here, Sherman Putterman, I'd come out and arrest your ass, but lucky for you, I got some real police emergencies to attend to.
[Raquel sees the frightened Sherman holding his assault rifle]
Sherman Putterman: Mom... Grampa... a monster!
Raquel Putterman: Oh, for Christ's sake, he's having another one of his attacks.
Raquel Putterman: [Raquel grabs and shakes Sherman around] Sherman! Wake up, Sherman! You're dreaming!
[Sherman tries telling his mother something weird is going on]
Sherman Putterman: No, Mom, really! Something weird's going on, I swear!
Raquel Putterman: Sherman Putterman, I'm fed up! If you're too big of a sissy to spend the night alone, then you'll just spend the night with Grampa!
[as Raquel throws Sherman with the alien Grampa in the bomb shelter]
[Cherry tells Raquel how much she loves the Putterman's house]
Cherry: I just really love your house here. It's so - I don't know, it's kinda-kinda weird.
Raquel Putterman: Yeah, thank you. We did it ourselves.
[Raquel and Spiro decide to make drinks together]
Raquel Putterman: Spiro, why don't you come and out me make the drinks?
Spiro: Excellent idea. I make a wonderful Margarita. Very unusual.
Stanley Putterman: Go for it!
Spiro: [to Raquel] Raquel, do you have Ouzo?
Raquel Putterman: Uh, no, I don't even know what it is.
Spiro: Too bad. I make a delicious Ouzo Margarita!
[Stanley sees Cherry dress down into her bikini]
Stanley Putterman: Holy tomatoes!
[Stanley warns Cherry to not touch the remote control while in the pool]
Stanley Putterman: Look, whatever you do, don't touch this. There's something screwy with the waterproofing and, well, uh... I wouldn't want you to get electrocuted.
Cherry: [Cherry smiles] Oh, me neither.
[Sherman watches Medusa on TV give out the telephone number for callers]
Medusa: Whatta you know? It's time for all you phone freaks out there to give us a call. Share your, uh, darkest hearts. Meanwhile, back to Attack... of the Something or Other.
[Sherman telephones Medusa]
Medusa: Me, here, who's there?
Sherman Putterman: Is-Is this Medusa?
Medusa: Well, who's it sound like kid, Count Dracula?
[Spiro asks Raquel if Stanley is a manly man]
Spiro: So tell me, Raquel, is Stanley a manly man?
Raquel Putterman: [Raquel smiles] Oh, God, yes. A real stallion.
Spiro: No, what I mean is does Stanley take it like a man?
Raquel Putterman: Oh, yeah. I guess so.
Spiro: [Spiro smiles] I thought so.
Raquel Putterman: And what about you, Spiro? Are you a really manly man?
Spiro: [Spiro smiles big] Oh, yes, indeed. Spiro Xeros is the manliest of men.
[Spiro tells Raquel he likes boys]
Spiro: Well, I'm Greek you know.
Raquel Putterman: Oh, of course, you're Greek. It said so in the classifieds. Oh, don't worry. We're not prejudice.
Spiro: No, no, no. You don't understand. I am into Greek. I am into Greek culture. I like boys.
Spiro: [Raquel in shock, as Spiro smiles bigger] Stanley is such a manly man.
[Stanley finds out that Spiro wants to swing with him]
Stanley Putterman: Well, just gonna have to straighten out old Spiro about the facts of life!
[Sherman gathers the explosives from Grampa's bomb shelter]
Grampa Putterman: [voice-over] Remember what I told you about explosives, boy. Blow your dang balls off!
[Suzy arrives back home and finds Sherman awake]
Sherman Putterman: There's a monster loose. It ate Grampa. I think it ate mom and dad.
Suzy Putterman: Honestly, Sherman. Sometimes, you are such a nerd!
[Sherman holds his assault rifle on Suzy]
Sherman Putterman: Sis, don't... go... in... there.
Suzy Putterman: Sherman, stop it!
O.D.: Yeah, buzz off, dude. I wanna party!
[Sherman sprays rifle rounds into the sludge pool]
O.D.: Careful geek, that thing's loaded!
[Suzy goes looking for her parents with Sherman]
Suzy Putterman: [to O.D] Be right back, okay, baby?
O.D.: Hey, no sweat! What's on El Tubo?
[Suzy and Sherman find their alien Putterman parents and the alien swingers in bed together]
Raquel Putterman: [alien Raquel] Remember, kids, you do your thing, we do ours.
Suzy Putterman: Mother, that is so disgusting!
Stanley Putterman: [alien Stanley] Night, night, now, kids. Try and keep it down, will ya? Thanks.
Suzy Putterman: Barf me out!
[Suzy and Sherman ask the alien Putterman parents if they've seen Grampa]
Suzy Putterman: Have any of you seen Gramps?
Grampa Putterman: [the alien Gramps head pops up from the bed] Right here, honeybee. Just takin' care of business.
Suzy Putterman: Oh, Gramps, that is totally sicko!
Sherman Putterman: [Suzy closes the bedroom door] I thought it was a monster.
Suzy Putterman: That's okay, Sherman. Some day you'll understand.
[O.D. watches Pluthar's warning on the TV]
Pluthar: [O.D. plays an imaginary guitar while watching Pluthar] Earthlings, please, you must heed my warning. It's appetite is insatiable. Its curiousity is boundless. Its strength knows no limits. It will continue to absorb all life forms.
[O.D. sees the alien monster come out of the TV]
O.D.: Whoa, psychedelic!
O.D.: [the alien crawls] Whoa!
O.D.: [the alien growls louder] Whoa!
O.D.: [the alien crawls and growls closer] Whoa!
O.D.: [the alien swipes at O.D. with its hand-tug as O.D. finally runs off] Whoa! Run dude!
[O.D., Sherman, and Suzy feed the monster for the first time]
O.D.: All right!
Sherman Putterman: Rad!
Suzy Putterman: Totally awesome!
[O.D. stops the alien monster from listening to classical music]
O.D.: Ooh, bad tune, dude! Don't ever listen to that kind of music. Rots your brains!
[Suzy tells Sherman and O.D. that they're rich for finding the alien monster]
Sherman Putterman: What are we going to do with him?
Suzy Putterman: We're going to make a million bucks!
Suzy Putterman: [Sherman and O.D. gasp] Don't ya see? This is, like, amazing. I mean, a monster from outer space, like, it's like we own him.
O.D.: Oh, yeah! rude! I mean that guy probably doesn't even know what money is!
[Medusa on the TV wishes her audience good night]
Medusa: Well, it's time for Medusa's beauty sleep now, kiddies. So, 'til next week, Medusa hopes you have some real... wet... nightmares.
[Sherman comes up with calling Medusa for help with the alien monster]
Sherman Putterman: I know. Medusa - Maybe she'll help us.
O.D.: Yeah, dude, she understands monsters. Let's call her. But, no more partners, okay?
[Sherman, O.D. and Suzy call to talk to Medusa for help]
Sherman Putterman: [on the phone] Well, you know that monster I told you about? He's really here. We're teaching him to talk, me and my sister.
O.D.: And me, man, O.D. Riley!
Medusa: Well, listen, Sherman. I've had a long night. So, uh, call me next week. We'll chat it up.
Sherman Putterman: But wait!
Suzy Putterman: [Suzy takes the phone] Let me! Medusa?
Medusa: Oh, who's this? Your split personality?
[Suzy tells Medusa on the phone that she's the alien monster's business manager]
Suzy Putterman: This is Suzy Putterman, Sherman's sister. Business manager for the monster from outer space.
Medusa: So, tell me, Suzy. Is your whole family a little cuckoo?
[Suzy tells Medusa on the phone that she wants to put the alien monster on TV]
Suzy Putterman: Please, Medusa, this is serious! He's a real live monster. We want to know how to get him on TV.
Medusa: Listen, kid, you want a guest spot, talk to the Letterman show. Medusa's strictly solo! Now, if you'll excuse me I gotta hit some parties.
[the alien monster tries watching TV with the Putterman kids]
Monster Vocal Effects: [growling] TV!
O.D.: [the alien monster throws his tentacles at O.D] Hey, hold your horses, turkey!
Suzy Putterman: What are you doing?
O.D.: Hey, man, nothing. This guy just doesn't dig commercials.
[Suzy and O.D. see the alien monster become impatient to watch TV]
Suzy Putterman: Shh, come on now, be quiet, okay?
O.D.: Yeah, dude, don't be so impatient, butthole!
[Suzy tries asking the alien monster for its name]
Suzy Putterman: What's your name? What planet are you from?
Sherman Putterman: [the alien monster growls nodding up and down] He doesn't know what you're taking about. He's just a monster.
[the doorbell rings while the alien monster is with the Putterman kids]
O.D.: Hey, hey, don't let any strangers in!
[while hiding from the alien monster Suzy asks Sherman what are they going to do?]
Suzy Putterman: What are we gonna do?
Sherman Putterman: We're going to blow his butt to kingdom come!
Suzy Putterman: Huh?
[Sherman arms Suzy with a weapon]
Sherman Putterman: [Sherman hands Suzy an assault rifle] Here, best chance to stop him is a brain shot.
Suzy Putterman: What are you talking about? We don't even know where his brain is!
[Sherman and Suzy find the alien monster's sludge all over]
Sherman Putterman: Wow, these grenades are pretty neat. Maybe I killed it already.
Suzy Putterman: It didn't sound too dead when it ate that cop.
Sherman Putterman: Yeah, well, maybe I wounded it.
[the armed Sherman and Suzy find the alien monster in their living room watching TV]
Sherman Putterman: [carrying assault rifles] Perfect set-up for a surprise attack.
Suzy Putterman: Attack? I'm so sure! The hand grenade didn't even phase him!
[Pluthar tells Sherman and Suzy how he can return their mother and father]
Pluthar: Well, we do have a process. If I can take the beast back alive, which isn't likely, the victim's genes could be extracted from the hungry beast's tissue and grown in special serum cultures.
Sherman Putterman: You mean, like, clones?
Suzy Putterman: Clones of mommy and daddy?
Pluthar: No, no, they'd be the real mommy and daddy. Of course, they'd have to live in special aquariums.
[Medusa happily arrives to the Putterman's residents]
Medusa: [seeing the cop car parked outside] Right, neighbors already callin' the cops.
[Suzy yells at Medusa for killing Pluthar]
Suzy Putterman: You killed him!
Sherman Putterman: [Sherman kneels over Pluthar's body] Spaceman, spaceman, please don't die!
Medusa: Hey, what's with you guys? I just saved your ass! How 'bout a little gratitude?
Suzy Putterman: You killed him. You stupid bitch! It was are only hope!