William Shatner: Kirk
Punk on bus : [Playing loud music on the bus]
Kirk : Excuse me.
Punk on bus : [He ignores him]
Kirk : Excuse me. Would you mind stopping that noise?
Punk on bus : [He turns it up louder]
Kirk : [louder and firmer] Excuse me! Would you mind stopping that damn noise?
Punk on bus : [He flips him off]
Kirk : [He looks at Spock]
Spock : [He gives the punk the Vulcan neck-pinch, followed by the delighted applause of the grateful bus passengers]
[after landing and cloaking a Klingon spaceship in Golden Gate Park]
Kirk : Everybody remember where we parked.
Kirk : Mr. Spock, have you accounted for the variable mass of whales and water in your time re-entry program?
Spock : Mr. Scott cannot give me exact figures, Admiral, so... I will make a guess.
Kirk : A guess? You, Spock? That's extraordinary.
Spock : [to Dr. McCoy] I don't think he understands.
McCoy : No, Spock. He means that he feels safer about your guesses than most other people's facts.
Spock : Then you're saying...
Spock : It is a compliment?
McCoy : It is.
Spock : Ah. Then, I will try to make the best guess I can.
McCoy : Please do.
Spock : Your use of language has altered since our arrival. It is currently laced with, shall we say, more colorful metaphors, "double dumb-ass on you" and so forth.
Kirk : Oh, you mean the profanity?
Spock : Yes.
Kirk : Well that's simply the way they talk here. Nobody pays any attention to you unless you swear every other word.
Spock : [in response to Kirk pawning his antique spectacles from The Wrath of Khan] Excuse me, Admiral. But weren't those a birthday gift from Dr. McCoy?
Kirk : And they will be again, that's the beauty of it.
[to the Antique Store Owner]
Kirk : How much?
Antique Store Owner : Well, they'd be worth more if the lenses were intact. I'll give you one hundred dollars for them.
Kirk : [pause] Is that a lot?
Kirk : Out of the way...
Shore Patrolman : Sorry, Doctor, I have strict orders...
Dr. Gillian Taylor : [Gillian moans in pain]
McCoy : My God, man. Do you want an acute case on your hands? This woman has immediate postprandial, upper-abdominal distention. Now, out of the way! Get out of the way!
[They enter the operating room]
Kirk : What did you say she has?
McCoy : Cramps.
Disgruntled guy in car : Hey, why don't ya watch where you're going, ya dumb-ass!
Kirk : Well, uh, double dumb-ass on you!
[about 20th Century America]
Kirk : This is an extremely primitive and paranoid culture.
Gillian : You're not from the military are you? Trying to teach whales to retrieve torpedoes or some dipshit stuff like that?
Kirk : No, ma'am. No dipshit.
Gillian : Well, good. That was one thing, I would have dropped you off right here.
Spock : Gracie is pregnant.
[Gillian brakes to a sudden stop]
Gillian : All right, who are you? And don't jerk me around anymore, I want to know how you know that!
Kirk : We can't tell you.
Gillian : But...
Kirk : Please, just let me finish. I can tell you that we're not in the military and that we intend no harm to the whales. In fact, we may be able to help - in ways that, frankly, you couldn't possibly imagine.
Gillian : Or believe, I'll bet.
Kirk : Very likely.
McCoy : You sure this is such a bright idea?
Kirk : What do you mean?
McCoy : [referring to Spock] I mean him! Back at his post like nothing happened. I don't know if you got the whole picture or not, but he's not quite operating on all thrusters!
Kirk : It'll come back to him.
McCoy : Are you sure?
[Kirk doesn't answer]
McCoy : That's what I thought.
[Gillian has just beamed aboard the Klingon ship for the first time]
Kirk : Hello, Alice. Welcome to "Wonderland".
[the crew is on a shuttlecraft pondering what their new starship will be]
Sulu : ...I'm counting on the *Excelsior*.
Scotty : The *Excelsior*? Why in God's name would you want that bucket of bolts?
Kirk : A ship is a ship.
Scotty : Whatever you say so.
Scotty : Thy will be done.
[the new starship USS *Enterprise* 1701-A emerges into view]
Kirk : My friends.
Kirk : We've come home.
Kirk : May fortune favor the foolish.
[Kirk is pacing back and forth, considering a below-decks room in the Klingon ship for possible whale transport]
Kirk : Scotty, how long is this bay?
Scotty : About sixty feet, Admiral.
Kirk : Can you enclose it to hold water?
Scotty : [laughs] I suppose I could. You planning to take a swim?
McCoy : [sourly] Off the deep end, Mr. Scott!
Kirk : We got to find some humpbacks.
Scotty : Humpbacked... people?
Kirk : Whales, Mr. Scott, whales! Forty to fifty feet long and about 40 tons each.
Spock : Ready to engage computer, Admiral.
Kirk : What's our target in time?
Spock : Late twentieth century.
Kirk : Can you be more specific?
Spock : Not with this equipment. I've had to program some of the variables from memory.
Kirk : What are some of the variables?
Spock : The availability of fuel components, mass of the vessel through a time continuum, and probable location of humpback whales - in this case, the Pacific Basin.
Kirk : And you programmed all that from memory?
Spock : I have.
McCoy : Angels and ministers of grace, defend us!
Spock : [recognizing the quote] Hamlet, Act One, Scene Four.
Kirk : [smiling] No doubt about your memory, Spock. Engage computers. Prepare for warp speed.
McCoy : You're going to try time traveling in this rustbucket?
Kirk : Well, we've done it before.
McCoy : Sure, you slingshot around the Sun, pick up enough speed - You're in time warp. If you don't, you're fried.
Kirk : I prefer it to nothing.
McCoy : I prefer a dose of common sense! You're proposing that we go backwards in time, find humpback whales, then bring them foward in time, drop 'em off, and hope to Hell they tell this probe what to do with itself!
Kirk : That's the general idea.
McCoy : Well, that's crazy!
Kirk : You've got a better idea?
Kirk : Now's the time.
Kirk : You mean the profanity? That's simply the way they talk here. Nobody pays attention to you unless you swear every other word. You'll find it in all the literature of the period.
Spock : For example?
Kirk : Oh the collected works of Jacqueline Susann. The novels of Harold Robbins...
Spock : Ah, the "Giants".
[Captain Kirk and his crew prepare to time warp in order to retrieve Humpback whales from the past; via sling-shooting around the sun]
Kirk : [to himself] May fortune favor the foolish...
Kirk : Warp speed, Mister Sulu.
Sulu : Aye, sir. Warp speed.
[the captured Klingon Vessel speeds up at warp speed]
Sulu : [silence in the cockpit; nonchalantly] Warp two... warp three.
Kirk : [uneasy] Steady as she goes...
Sulu : Warp four...
[a metallic reading plate slips off of Spock's desk. Spock reaches for it, but it falls into the grate. As the ship gets closer and closer to the sun, the interior of the Klingon vessel begins to vibrate gradually]
Sulu : Warp five...
[Another metallic reading plate slips off of Uhura's communications desk; clattering to the floor]
Sulu : Warp six...
[several objects fall to the floor noisily in the background as the ship's alarms go off]
Sulu : Warp seven... warp eight...
Chekov : Sir... heat shield's at maximum!
Sulu : [over the alarms] warp NINE! Time warp two, Time warp three...
Kirk : [over the noise] We need to break away the speed.
Sulu : [literally shouting over the alarms] Time warp five, Time warp six, Time warp seven, Time warp eight...
[a screen bursts into shatters due to the pressure from the sun; Uhura screams. Kirk, Chekov, McCoy and Spock immediately turn their heads toward Uhrua's direction]
Cmdr. Uhura : [over the noise] I'm fine... I'm all right.
[Kirk lets out a sigh of relief; steam hisses as the ceiling cracks; the window shows that they are getting really close to the sun]
Kirk : [shouts] NOW MISTER SULU!
[the ship successfully maneuvers around the sun]
Federation Council president : The Council is now in session. If you will all take your seats. Bring in the accused.
[Spock leaves his seat and he moves at side of Kirk]
Federation Council president : Captain Spock, you do not stand accused.
Spock : Mister President, I stand with my shipmates.
Federation Council president : As you wish. The charges and specifications are: conspiracy, assault on Federation Officers, theft of Federation Property namely the Starship Enterprise, sabotage of the U.S.S. Excelsior, wilful destruction of Federation Property specifically the aforementioned U.S.S. Enterprise, and finally disobeying direct orders of the Starfleet Commander. Admiral Kirk, how do you plead?
Kirk : On behalf of all of us, Mister President, I am authorised to plead guilty.
Federation Council president : So entered. Because of certain mitigating circumstances, all charges but one are summarily dismissed. The remaining charge, disobeying orders of a superior officer is directed solely at Admiral Kirk. I'm sure the Admiral will recognise the necessity of keeping discipline in any chain of command.
Kirk : I do, sir.
Federation Council president : James T. Kirk. It is the judgment of this Council that you be reduced in rank to Captain, and that as a consequence of your new rank, you be given the duties for which you have repeatedly demonstrated unswerving ability: the command of a starship.
Kirk : [answering to Scotty about where we are after back to 23rd Century] Out of control, and blind as a bat!