Fawlty Towers (1975–1979)
Basil Fawlty: Your *name*, please, could I have your name?
Lord Melbury: Melbury.
[the phone rings; Basil picks it up]
Basil Fawlty: [to Melbury] One second please.
Basil Fawlty: Hello?... Ah, yes Mr O'Reilly, well it's perfectly simple. When I asked you to build me a wall I was rather hoping that instead of just dumping the bricks in a pile you might have found time to cement them together... you know, one on top of another, in the traditional fashion.
[to Melbury, testily]
Basil Fawlty: Could you fill it in, please?
Basil Fawlty: Oh, splendid! Ah, yes, but *when*, Mr O'Reilly?
[to Melbury, who is having difficulty with the register]
Basil Fawlty: there - there!
Basil Fawlty: Yes, but when? Yes, yes... ah!... the flu!
Basil Fawlty: *Both* names, please.
Basil Fawlty: Yes, I should have guessed, Mr. O'Reilly that and the potato famine I suppose...
Lord Melbury: I beg your pardon?
Basil Fawlty: Would you put *both* your names, please?...
Basil Fawlty: Well, will you give me a *date*?
Lord Melbury: Er... I only use one.
Basil Fawlty: [with a withering look] You don't have a first name?
Lord Melbury: No, I am *Lord* Melbury, so I simply sign myself "Melbury".
[there is a long, long pause]
Basil Fawlty: [to phone] Go away.
[puts phone down]
Basil Fawlty: ... I'm *so* sorry to have kept you waiting, your lordship... I *do* apologize, *please* forgive me. Now, was there something, is there something, anything, I can do for you? Anything at all?
Basil Fawlty: Where's Sybil?
Basil Fawlty: Where's Sybil?
Manuel: Where's... the bill?
Basil Fawlty: No, not a bill! I own the place!
Basil Fawlty: [about Sybil's laugh] Sounds like somebody machine-gunning a seal.
Basil Fawlty: Do you remember when we were first *manacled* together? We used to laugh quite a lot.
Sybil Fawlty: Yes, but not at the same time, Basil.
[she leaves him alone]
Basil Fawlty: Well, that was a warning, wasn't it? Zhoom! What was that? That was your life, mate. Oh, really, do I get another? No, that's your lot mate. Back to the World of dreams...
Basil Fawlty: Polly, what's that smell?
Polly: Flowers, I just got them from the garden.
Basil Fawlty: Well, what are you stinking the place up with those for? What's happened to the plastic ones?
Polly: Being ironed.
Sybil Fawlty: [on the phone] I know... I know... I know... Oh, I know!
Basil Fawlty: Then why is she telling you?
Basil Fawlty: Right, well I'll go and have a lie down then. No I won't; I'll go and hit some guests.
Basil Fawlty: Manuel will show you to your rooms - if you're lucky.
[Basil has accidentally set off the burglar alarm during the fire drill, guests start walking out of the building thinking it's the fire alarm, but Basil stops them all in the lobby]
Mrs. Wilson: Oh I thought that was the drill.
Basil Fawlty: Yes there is, at twelve o'clock.
Mrs. Wilson: But, it is twelve o'clock.
Basil Fawlty: Well not quite.
[to guests that try to leave]
Basil Fawlty: Excuse me!
Mrs. Wilson: Well, I make it twelve o'clock.
Basil Fawlty: [to guests] Im afraid that wasn't the...
Mrs. Wilson: What time do you make it, Major?
Basil Fawlty: [annoyed] Look...
Major Gowen: Burglars about, I think.
Basil Fawlty: Look, it doesn't matter what time he makes it, it hasn't started yet.
Mrs. Sharp: What?
Basil Fawlty: It hasn't started yet!
Mrs. Sharp: But, that was the bell wasn't it?
Basil Fawlty: No!
Mrs. Wilson: He means the *drill* hasn't started yet.
Mr. Sharp: What drill? We didn't hear a drill.
Basil Fawlty: [trying to explain] No, no no no, look, look - that was the burglar alarm.
Major Gowen: See!
Mrs. Wilson: The burglar alarm?
Basil Fawlty: Yes!
Mrs. Wilson: Are there burglars?
Major Gowen: Evidently!
Basil Fawlty: [increasingly annoyed] No! Look, what's the matter with you all? It's perfectly simple: we have the fire drill when I ring the fire bell- That wasn't the fire bell!
Mr. Sharp: Well, how are we supposed to know that wasn't the fire bell?
Basil Fawlty: Because, it doesn't sound like the fire bell.
All guests at once: It did.
Basil Fawlty: It didn't!
Basil Fawlty: You'll have to forgive him. He's from Barcelona.
Basil Fawlty: Next contestant, Mrs. Sybil Fawlty from Torquay. Specialist subject - the bleeding obvious.
Miss Gatsby: And don't do anything *we* wouldn't do!
Basil Fawlty: Oh, just a little breathing, surely.
Basil Fawlty: Don't be alarmed, it's only my wife laughing.
Sybil Fawlty: [Basil's won some money on a horse and he doesn't want Sybil to know because she's very against gambling so Polly is pretending it's her winnings] Polly?
Polly: Yes, Mrs Fawlty?
Sybil Fawlty: What was the name of the horse?
Polly: The name?
[Basil, overhearing this quietly comes running into the dining-room]
Polly: I've gone blank.
[Basil frantically tries miming the answer by flapping his arms]
[Basil nods no]
Polly: No, no. That came in third. Uh...
[Basil points at Sybil]
Sybil Fawlty: What?
Polly: [Basil tries pointing at his zipper] Fly! Fly!
[Basil points at Sybil again]
Polly: Flying tart!
[another wrong answer]
Polly: No, no. It got off to a flying start and it's name... was dragonfly.
[Basil hightails it]
Basil Fawlty: We have a Spanish porter at the moment, he's from Barcelona. It'd be quicker to train an *ape*!
Basil Fawlty: It's almost worth staying alive for little moments like that, isn't it Sybil? I know it's true because I read it on the back of a matchbox.
Major Gowen: [Audrey's separated] I think it's very sporting of Mrs Fawlty to go over there and listen to all that rubbish!
Basil Fawlty: Salt of the Earth, couldn't live without her.
Major Gowen: She's a fine woman, Mrs Fawlty.
Basil Fawlty: No, I wouldn't go that far.
Major Gowen: No, nor will I.
Guest: [Bill dispute] What's this for?
Polly: My painting, you said you liked it!
Guest: No thankyou.
Polly: Oh, only a fiver, go on!
Guest: No, sorry.
Polly: It's for my sister's eye operation!
Polly: You BASTARD!
Basil Fawlty: [to Sybil, while having dinner] Why don't you have another vat of wine, dear?
American: Is this a Hotel or isn't it?
Basil Fawlty: Well, within reason.
Basil Fawlty: Thank you, darling, where would I be without you? Land of the Living, probably.
Terry: I hear Manuel's doing you a paella. I did go to Catering School, you know, Mr Fawlty.
Mrs Richards: You lying hound!
Mrs Richards: Faulty? What's wrong with him?
Major Gowen: Fawlty!
Basil Fawlty: Yes, Major?
Major Gowen: There's a Psychiatrist in the Hotel!
Basil Fawlty: I know!
Major Gowen: And apparently, he's dressed up as a Guest!
Basil Fawlty: He is a Guest, he's on Holiday here.
Major Gowen: Oh, well your Guest is as good as mine!
Basil Fawlty: Maybe he has come for you.
Basil Fawlty: So this Finnish floozy is your karate teacher is she?
Terry: Well. It's a sort of karate isn't it?
Basil Fawlty: Not pureeing your loved ones, that's the tricky part.
Basil Fawlty: A blow on the head like that is worth two in the bush!
Basil Fawlty: He can't tell me anything about myself that I don't know already. All this Psychiatry's a load of tommyrot! You know what they say it's all connected with, don't you? Sex. What a load of cobblers!
Major Gowen: Did you know that the Female Gibbon Gestates for Fourteen months?
Sybil Fawlty: I can't abide cruelty to living creatures.
Basil Fawlty: I'm a creature and you can abide it to me.
Sybil Fawlty: You're not living.
American: Mr Fawlty, I'm really not interested.
Sybil Fawlty: Psychiatry, that's a relatively new profession isn't it?
Psychiatrist's Wife: Freud started in 1886
Sybil Fawlty: Yes, but it's only now we're seeing them on the Television.
Miss Gatsby: Mr Fawlty! There's a Psychiatrist in the Hotel!
Basil Fawlty: I know!
Miss Gatsby: Has he come for the Major?
Nurse: The Doctor's coming.
Basil Fawlty: My God, a Doctor, here in the Hospital, whatever shall we do?
Nurse: You can leave!
Basil Fawlty: Why do they call you Sister, is it a term of endearment?
Basil Fawlty: My God, you're ugly, aren't you? Look at that.
Nurse: I-I'll get the Doctor.
Basil Fawlty: You need a Plastic Surgeon, love!
Basil Fawlty: I shall of course refund your money, I know how important it is to you Americans. But here in Britain there are things we value far more!
Mrs Peignoir: While the Cat's Away, eh?
Guest: Only Joking!
Basil Fawlty: [Infuriated with old women] There's been a lot of bloodshed at the Nell Wynn's Tea Rooms, you know?
Major Gowen: I hate Germans! Love women...
Polly: What about German Women?
Major Gowen: Good card players! But I wouldn't give them the time of day.
Basil Fawlty: Winnie Atwul?
Major Gowen: Well, Marjorie Atwul, then. I just called her Winnie because she looked like Winnie!
Basil Fawlty: She's not Black!
Major Gowen: Black? Churchill wasn't Black, Old Boy!
Polly: Could I have a raise? Mrs Fawlty said it would be alright.
Basil Fawlty: I don't think we see eye-to-eye vis a vis the frozen assets.
Basil Fawlty: A satisfied customer! We should have him stuffed...
Basil Fawlty: [a hotelier, not a linguist] Why don't you talk properly?
Basil Fawlty: I'm sorry, I got confused because Everyone keeps mentioning the War!
Basil Fawlty: That was our Chef. Just nipped out for a quick Prayer, I expect!