Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask (1972) Poster

John Carradine: Doctor Bernardo



  • Dr. Bernardo : Here I'm studying premature ejaculation in a hippopotamus.

    Victor Shakapopulis : How often does that problem come up with a hippo?

    Dr. Bernardo : Here I'm forcing a man to have intercourse with a large rye bread. They're getting on famously! Here I'm going to take the brain of a lesbian and put it into the body of a man who works for the telephone company.

    Victor Shakapopulis : But why? What good will this do anybody?

    Dr. Bernardo : It'll show those fools who called me mad!

  • Victor Shakapopulis : Doctor, I read a statement you made that, uh, you felt that the average length of a man's penis should be nineteen inches. Doesn't that seem a little long?

    Dr. Bernardo : Long? My friend, I'm making discoveries you wouldn't dream of.

    Dr. Bernardo : Yes I know, but nineteen inches. I mean that's-...

    [Victor makes hand gestures] 

    Dr. Bernardo : Does it sound mad? That's what they called me at Masters and Johnson's clinic, mad. Because I had visions of explorations in sexual areas undreamed of by lesser human beings. It was I who first discovered how to make a man impotent by hiding his hat. I was the first one to explain the connection between excessive masturbation and entering politics. It was I who first said that the clitoral orgasm should not be only for women! They ridiculed me, said I was mad, haha! But I showed them. They threw me out of Masters and Johnson, no severance but, and I had it coming. But I showed them!

    Victor Shakapopulis : Are we having dessert?

  • Helen Lacey : You're insane!

    Dr. Bernardo : That's what they called me at Masters and Johnson for creating a 400-foot diaphragm. Contraception for the entire nation at once!

  • Dr. Bernardo : In here I have twenty scouts. I want to measure your respiration when they gang-bang you.

See also

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