Woody Allen: Victor, Fabrizio, The Fool, Sperm
The Fool : Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting.
The Fool : My father! You who died in childbirth!
Victor Shakapopulis : I don't know if you've read my book, "Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing."
The Fool : With most grievous dispatch I shall open the latch to get at her snatch!
Friend : [in Italian] You got to play with her before you lay her.
Fabrizio : [in Italian] For how long?
Friend : [in Italian] Fifteen minutes. Half hour. Depends on the woman.
Fabrizio : [in Italian] How long with your wife?
Friend : [in Italian] Thirty seconds.
Fabrizio : [in Italian, in awe] Lucky!
[the King has caught the Fool hiding in the Queen's dress]
The Fool : Hi Milord! You remember when you said if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife?
Dr. Bernardo : Here I'm studying premature ejaculation in a hippopotamus.
Victor Shakapopulis : How often does that problem come up with a hippo?
Dr. Bernardo : Here I'm forcing a man to have intercourse with a large rye bread. They're getting on famously! Here I'm going to take the brain of a lesbian and put it into the body of a man who works for the telephone company.
Victor Shakapopulis : But why? What good will this do anybody?
Dr. Bernardo : It'll show those fools who called me mad!
Victor Shakapopulis : Doctor, I read a statement you made that, uh, you felt that the average length of a man's penis should be nineteen inches. Doesn't that seem a little long?
Dr. Bernardo : Long? My friend, I'm making discoveries you wouldn't dream of.
Dr. Bernardo : Yes I know, but nineteen inches. I mean that's-...
[Victor makes hand gestures]
Dr. Bernardo : Does it sound mad? That's what they called me at Masters and Johnson's clinic, mad. Because I had visions of explorations in sexual areas undreamed of by lesser human beings. It was I who first discovered how to make a man impotent by hiding his hat. I was the first one to explain the connection between excessive masturbation and entering politics. It was I who first said that the clitoral orgasm should not be only for women! They ridiculed me, said I was mad, haha! But I showed them. They threw me out of Masters and Johnson, no severance but, and I had it coming. But I showed them!
Victor Shakapopulis : Are we having dessert?
[Fabrizio tries in vain to get Gina excited]
Fabrizio : [romantically, in Italian, as he rubs her] Foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... foreplay...
[a long time later, Gina is still insensitive]
Fabrizio : [sleepily, in Italian] Foreplay... foreplay... foreplay...
[Fabrizio falls asleep on top of her]
Sperm #1 : I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to end up on the ceiling.
The Queen : Hark unto me! If my husband the King and my son the Doctor walketh near upon these paved paths and heareth what thou saist about copping a feel, thy life would not be worth a plugged nickel!
The Fool : But Madam, so beautiful do they lay there, one on either side!
The Queen : 'One on either side'?
The Fool : A matched set!
The Queen : That's the way they were made, Fool! Away with thee!
[She storms away knocking the Fool over]
The Fool : I fell on my bells!