Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask (1972) Poster

Woody Allen: Victor, Fabrizio, The Fool, Sperm



  • The Fool : Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting.

  • The Fool : My father! You who died in childbirth!

  • Victor Shakapopulis : I don't know if you've read my book, "Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing."

  • The Fool : With most grievous dispatch I shall open the latch to get at her snatch!

  • Friend : [in Italian]  You got to play with her before you lay her.

    Fabrizio : [in Italian]  For how long?

    Friend : [in Italian]  Fifteen minutes. Half hour. Depends on the woman.

    Fabrizio : [in Italian]  How long with your wife?

    Friend : [in Italian]  Thirty seconds.

    Fabrizio : [in Italian, in awe]  Lucky!

  • The Queen : Kiss me quick!

    The Fool : Yes!... where is your quick?

  • [the King has caught the Fool hiding in the Queen's dress] 

    The Fool : Hi Milord! You remember when you said if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife?

  • Dr. Bernardo : Here I'm studying premature ejaculation in a hippopotamus.

    Victor Shakapopulis : How often does that problem come up with a hippo?

    Dr. Bernardo : Here I'm forcing a man to have intercourse with a large rye bread. They're getting on famously! Here I'm going to take the brain of a lesbian and put it into the body of a man who works for the telephone company.

    Victor Shakapopulis : But why? What good will this do anybody?

    Dr. Bernardo : It'll show those fools who called me mad!

  • Gina : [in Italian]  It was my first time. Did you like it?

    Fabrizio : [in Italian]  Me? Are you kidding? More fun than laughing.

  • Woods County Sheriff : Only one thing bothers me, though. That was a single. You're sure that was a single, now?

    Victor Shakapopulis : That was a single, yeah.

    Woods County Sheriff : Yeah, well, they usually travel in pairs.

  • Victor Shakapopulis : Doctor, I read a statement you made that, uh, you felt that the average length of a man's penis should be nineteen inches. Doesn't that seem a little long?

    Dr. Bernardo : Long? My friend, I'm making discoveries you wouldn't dream of.

    Dr. Bernardo : Yes I know, but nineteen inches. I mean that's-...

    [Victor makes hand gestures] 

    Dr. Bernardo : Does it sound mad? That's what they called me at Masters and Johnson's clinic, mad. Because I had visions of explorations in sexual areas undreamed of by lesser human beings. It was I who first discovered how to make a man impotent by hiding his hat. I was the first one to explain the connection between excessive masturbation and entering politics. It was I who first said that the clitoral orgasm should not be only for women! They ridiculed me, said I was mad, haha! But I showed them. They threw me out of Masters and Johnson, no severance but, and I had it coming. But I showed them!

    Victor Shakapopulis : Are we having dessert?

  • The Queen : Ah, 'tis the chastity belt that the jealous King hath fastened upon me that no one but he shalst have the goods of the body.

    The Fool : Yeah, it's a pretty bad break for all of us at the Palace.

  • [the Fool standing next to the Queen in her bedroom] 

    The King : [to the Queen]  Come, give me a kiss.

    The Fool : 'Course, Milord - stick out your tongue.

  • [Fabrizio tries in vain to get Gina excited] 

    Fabrizio : [romantically, in Italian, as he rubs her]  Foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... foreplay...

    [a long time later, Gina is still insensitive] 

    Fabrizio : [sleepily, in Italian]  Foreplay... foreplay... foreplay...

    [Fabrizio falls asleep on top of her] 

  • Woods County Sheriff : [on radio]  Be on the look out for a large female breast.

    Victor Shakapopulis : It's about a 4000 with an X-cup.

    Woods County Sheriff : About a 4000 with an X-cup.

  • Sperm #1 : I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to end up on the ceiling.

  • Helen Lacey : Oh, Victor, please don't do anything dangerous!

    Victor Shakapopulis : Don't worry. I know how to handle tits.

  • The Queen : Hark unto me! If my husband the King and my son the Doctor walketh near upon these paved paths and heareth what thou saist about copping a feel, thy life would not be worth a plugged nickel!

    The Fool : But Madam, so beautiful do they lay there, one on either side!

    The Queen : 'One on either side'?

    The Fool : A matched set!

    The Queen : That's the way they were made, Fool! Away with thee!

    [She storms away knocking the Fool over] 

    The Fool : I fell on my bells!

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

Recently Viewed