Quotes

Mr. Gryphon - Book Dealer: It was the first time in my 45 years in the book business that a customer insisted on a book exactly 5 by 8 ½ inches, regardless of contents.

Houlihan: [to Ashton] No member of the party has the right to deny he is not a candidate unless he is a candidate.

Lew Gibson: [to Poppy] You can't go around quoting politicians accurately! That's dirty journalism and you know it!

Lew Gibson: Tell me, do you use a pipe of peace anywhere in this routine?

Indian: Are you kidding?

Lew Gibson: But for a hundred bucks?

Indian: Did you ever smoke one of those things?

Waiter: Vodka, I take, is not good enough for you?

Senator Melvin G. Ashton: Is that fellow radical?

Lew Gibson: No, no. He just likes vodka.

Houlihan: Any member of the party in good standing has a perfect right to have his picture taken eating a hotdog, wearing a fez, or even fishing. But big stuff like Indian ceremonies, or riding in the cab of the 20th Century Limited, or shaking hands with a recognized labor leader is strictly prohibited stuff.

Lew Gibson: Boss, I was in the advertising business once. So believe me, if you can sell the American public that one cigarette is different from another, that one toothpaste is better than another, you can sell them anything, even Mel Ashton.

Senator Melvin G. Ashton: [On the telephone with Mrs. Ashton] Hello! Hello, mama. How's everything? Uh, mama, I'm an Indian now. Yes, it was wonderful. You'll see it in the pictures. I come out and I say, 'How!'

Senator Melvin G. Ashton: This is no time for emotionalism, but rather for a serious searching of the heart. As you all know, I am a simple, plain talking man, with no taste for evasion and no talent for fancy words. So, I am going to be open and above board with you, as I have always been. Ladies and Gentlemen, I cannot put this too strongly - I am not a candidate for the presidency... But... there are times when decisions of this sort are no longer a matter of individual...

Senator Melvin G. Ashton: I say, 'No!' and again, 'No!' I will not raise one finger to obtain this greatest gift within the power of a grateful republic, this brightest jewel in the diadem of mankind. But, if the voice of the people of these United States - if that voice should ring out over the land, and say to me, 'Come!' - then I can only bow my head and say in all humility, 'I will.'

Senator Melvin G. Ashton: Well, I've got a bigger family than all the rest of those jokers put together. Three fine sons and four beautiful daughters.

Houlihan: You mean you have seven secretaries?

Senator Melvin G. Ashton: Well, why not? Senator Arb... has 36.

Houlihan: [Frantically searching the apartment for the diary] Where is it you wooden-headed lunk? Where is it? What'd you do with it? Where'd you hide it? Oh, you windbag. You goof. You... you lunatic. You big creepy lunatic. How could you do it, Mel? Putting things in writing. Why, if that stuff ever got out they could feed us to Little Abner

[sic]

Houlihan: .

Senator Melvin G. Ashton: [Speaking at the Bankers Club] Strictly between ourselves, gentlemen. The time has come for management to take a firm stand. Now, in the Ashton labor control bill, I propose an eight-day week for a two-day pay.

Senator Melvin G. Ashton: Do Indians vote in this country?

Lew Gibson: Yes

Senator Melvin G. Ashton: Help yourselves, fellas. Take all you want.

[Rodeo Indians help themselves to the fruit basket]

Senator Melvin G. Ashton: Whatever my opponent has offered, I'll double it.

Senator Melvin G. Ashton: [Speaking at the party convention] The first plan in my platform is to get me in the White House. Two, Social Security - $200 a week for every man, woman and child in this country, from the date of birth until the date of death, inclusive. Three, Veteran's Relief - Twice what any other candidate offers. Four, Old Age Insurance. - No old age insurance. We must economize somewhere. But, at the age of 45, every American citizen who has ever paid an income tax shall have the entire amount that he has paid - every penny of it - refunded to him, with interest. Five, Education - The United States government should send every man, woman and child in this country through Harvard.

Houlihan: You know, I believe I've underestimated Mel. Why, with a platform like that he could sweep any country.

Senator Melvin G. Ashton: Oh, come now, Lew. Let's not speak lightly of labor's right to strike. Nor of management's right to object to labor's right to strike.

Houlihan: If he really lost that book, I'll break every bone in that cornball's body. I'll tear off his legs one at a time and beat his brains out with 'em.

Houlihan: Are you the house dick?

Farrell: House officer - we're trying to get away from vulgarities.

Joe aka 'You Know Who': [On telephone] Theodore, this is you-know-who. We got a little situation here, and I want you to contact certain parties and tell 'em to stand by for a get-away. Better have their bags packed. Ready? Honest John McAfferty in Boston. Honest John Mancuso in Philadelphia. Honest John Mankiewicz in Pittsburgh. Major Culpepper in Richmond. Colonel Culpepper in Atlanta. Brig. Gen. Culpepper in New Orleans.

Joe aka 'You Know Who': [Still on the telephone] Smiling Horace Miller in Denver. Happy Edgar Caton in Butte, Montana. Square Deal Ralph Nason in San Francisco.

Houlihan: [On telephone] Hello, Clyde. Things look bad here. We better not take any chances. Call Mort, Tommy, Benson, Harold and Bill. Tell 'em to give those swimming pools back before morning.

Joe aka 'You Know Who': [On telephone] Please note the following revised air schedules: Planes for Mexico leave La Guardia Field at 9:05 a.m. and 10:15 p.m. Planes for China leave San Francisco daily at 1:20 p.m. Planes for South America leave Dallas at 3:30 and 10:20 p.m. Planes for Siberia leave Seattle at 8:15 p.m. with connections at Alaska. Planes for the Cape of Good Hope leave Boston every Tuesday at 7:15 a.m.

Senator Melvin G. Ashton: How am I going to live?

Houlihan: Well, off your interest of course.

Senator Melvin G. Ashton: What interest?

Houlihan: The interest off your capital.

Senator Melvin G. Ashton: What capital?

Frank: Look, what did you do before you went into politics?

Senator Melvin G. Ashton: I was a public highway safety deviser.

Frank: What the Sam Hill was that?

Senator Melvin G. Ashton: I painted those white lines down the middle of paved roads. But those roads are all painted now, Fred, even if I could bend over that far any more.

Frank: Well, I'll say this for the senator. He's got more 'Don't know how' than any guy I've met in some time.

Houlihan: What about basketball.

Senator Melvin G. Ashton: Oh, know basketball very well. Played that in high school - fullback.

Houlihan: Football?

Senator Melvin G. Ashton: Football? Oh, uh... 28, 82, 26, 78, hike. Heh, heh, I remember. You really think you could arrange that?

Houlihan: I believe so. I think the duties would be relatively simple.

Senator Melvin G. Ashton: Oh, never mind the duties what does it pay?

Houlihan: About a hundred and fifty thousand, I should imagine.

Senator Melvin G. Ashton: A hundred and fif... Say, that's more than the president.

Frank: It's a bigger job. Youth of the nation. Hope of the future. You know.

Houlihan: What's the matter, Mel? You're going to be president.

Senator Melvin G. Ashton: Yeah, that's just it. It's all right for you fellas to celebrate, but I've just taken a 50 percent cut in pay.

Houlihan: All right, Mel. It doesn't pay as much being president, but it's more important.

Frank: And remember, they give ya a house to live in.

Senator Melvin G. Ashton: [On telephone to his wife] Hello, mama? Well, it's all settled. I'm going to be president. I know, but it's the best I can do. Yes, but, think of the prestige, mama. Well, you think it over, and I'll call you back. Goodbye, mama.

Joe aka 'You Know Who': [on telephone again] Important. There are no extradition treaties between the United States and the following countries: Greenland, Outer Mongolia, and Little America.